PUTTING ALL MY BLOGS TOGETHER SO TO SAY
Introduction
Do you like sex? I certainly do. I love how close sex can bring me to someone I care about, and I love how it can deepen my understanding and appreciation of that person. I love how much healthy pleasure it brings into my life. I love how sex can bring me to delightful altered states of consciousness, and I love the feelings of acceptance and contentment and trust it can create in me and my partner.
In fact, I love sex so much I've made a hobby of learning more about it. This blog is going to share some of the insights I've gained as I've grown in my understanding of this fascinating and wonderful aspect of human experience.
Some Thoughts on Pleasure...
Most sex guides concentrate on "technique" - this position, that stroke, those toys. We'll get to these matters later on, but for a moment I want you to think back on your sexual history and replay in your mind one of your favorite sexual experiences. What were the key elements of this experience that made it so good for you? I'm actually willing to bet that the key elements didn't have much to do with technique at all, and had more to do with passion and energy.
Don't you find it wonderful when a lover is really into what you two are doing together, and he or she seems actively, passionately, and completely absorbed in the pleasure you two are creating? Isn't it great when he or she is experiencing deep, overwhelming delight and directing that energy and appreciation back at you? It's a profound irony that one of the most effective things you can do to become a better lover is to learn to appreciate pleasure even more, but in my experience it's true. In my opinion, the three most important elements to becoming a better lover are learning to feel, choosing what pleases you, and empathy.
Learning to Feel
This skill consists of learning to value and sink into physical pleasure. It amounts to letting your world be the pleasurable sensations you are experiencing, rather than letting your world be intellectual thoughts or self-criticism.
Find some time in your home or apartment when you won't be disturbed. Then, set up your space in the most pleasurable and relaxing way you can. Dim the lights and light candles, if you wish. Put on your favorite music, and maybe burn some incense you enjoy. Create a place where you can sit in complete comfort. If you usually masturbate with a vibrator, plug it in and leave it in an accessible location.
Now take a hot bath, hopefully with your bathroom also lit by candles. Try to let your entire awareness consist of feeling the hot water against your skin. Try to let your mind feel your entire body, and all of your skin, at once (this can be arousing in and of itself). After a while towel off, put on a bathrobe, and make your way back to the space you set up.
The goal of what follows is to see just HOW comfortable, sensual, and relaxed you can feel. If you notice anything that intrudes on your comfort or pleasure, change it. When the time seems right, move into self-pleasuring. Touch your body in whatever ways feel good, whether sexual or not. Let your awareness rest solely on your body and how it feels. If you choose to masturbate, be exquisitely aware of how you feel up to and possibly through your orgasm.
The whole point of this exercise is to practice valuing and experiencing pleasure. Since masturbation is a perfectly legitimate form of sexuality (it's sex, just "sex for one"), if you don't have a partner and aren't interested in finding one you can stop here. But if you do have a partner, moving into better sex with him or her is now only a question of honest communication and empathy.
Choosing What Pleases You
You already know how to make yourself feel good through self-pleasuring. In theory, sex with a partner could feel this good too. Often, what holds us back are concerns about what our partner would think if we were to offer suggestions; therefore, instead of "Oh wow that feels good oh yeah oh yeah," what goes through our mind is "That would feel so much better if it were just a bit to the right," or "God, I wish he would have kept doing that," etc. This is a pity, as most people like to see their partners experience pleasure and would happily go along with whatever sort of advice they might have to offer.
The best way to get rid of bad habits is to replace them with new ones. So, this exercise needs to be done with a partner. Tell him or her that you're trying to undo some bad habits, and ask if he or she would be willing to make love to you with the understanding that you're going to speak up every time you can think of a way in which what is happening could feel better to you. I've called this section "Choosing What Pleases You," but another way of putting it would be "Endure Nothing." Putting up with something that doesn't feel good just because you're hoping it will be over soon verges on outright dishonesty, and doesn't help either of you. In any case, play around with this exercise until you feel comfortable asking for what you want.
By the way, when you get together with a new partner for the first time, I think it's helpful to take some of the pressure off by saying something along the lines of "Mmmm.... Honey, I want you to have a really good time tonight. While I'm getting to know what you like just let me know any time you can think of a way what we're doing could feel better."
Empathy
The above two skills may help you feel a lot more sexually nurtured, and from this space it's usually natural to want to reflect pleasure and energy back to your partner.
When pleasuring your partner, try to get inside their head and imagine what they would like. As you gain experience with them, you can eventually learn what they like (everyone is a little different, after all). The ultimate goal is to be able to key your arousal into theirs, so the more turned on they get the more turned on you get. In my opinion, the easiest way to reach this place is to imagine YOU are experiencing whatever you are doing to THEM.
As a thought experiment, imagine someone is performing oral sex on you. For a few seconds, imagine that they're going through the motions purely mechanically. Then, imagine exactly the same technique done by someone who is obviously aroused, ecstatic with pleasure, and possibly masturbating while they're pleasuring you. Makes a difference, doesn't it? Like "learning to feel" and "choosing what pleases you," empathy is a win-win situation.
Creating an Inviting Space for Your Lover(s)
Taking the time to make your space inviting is a good way to let someone know you appreciate them and value having sex with them. Sex is almost always better by candlelight. Turning off the ringers on your phones or pagers is another nice touch, as is setting a nice CD on repeat play. Keeping a towel, a bottle of water, and maybe a warm wet washcloth handy is also a good idea. Keep the room temperature on the warm side.
Another thoughtful thing you can do is keep everything you need within easy reach, so you don't have to interrupt sex while you fumble around for your lube, a soft mitten, a condom, or whatever. Laying out the things you might use or else keeping them all in a drawer by your bed (being sure you can identify everything by touch) will go a long way towards helping you and your partner feel better about both toys and any safer sex precautions you deem necessary.
Expanding Your Definition of Sex
This can be quite liberating. Spend an evening kissing passionately and running your hands over each other, and call it sex. Spend an evening giving each other erotic massage and (whether or not anyone had an orgasm) call it sex. Spend an evening blindfolding your lover and running various tantalizing objects over his or her skin, and call it sex.
The point is that nobody is served by getting "goal oriented" about something that's supposed to be fun. Sex is just how adults play and have a good time together, and you'll probably have a better time the more you think of it that way.
Keeping Lube Handy
A basic part of every sex-positive person's toy collection is a bottle of water-based lube (WITHOUT Nonoxynol-9, for the sake of people who are sensitive or allergic to it). Popular brands include Astroglide, Liquid Silk, I-D, and ForPlay. Some sort of lube is necessary for anal penetration (as the anus doesn't lubricate itself), and additional lube usually makes vaginal penetration feel better too. Using adequate lube is especially important when latex gloves or latex condoms are being used, and it should be reapplied whenever necessary.
Recently two new lubes based on silicone rather than water, Wet "Platinum" and I-D "Millenium", have hit the market. The women I've talked to so far haven't liked the way they feel when used vaginally; these lubes' primary value seems to be for having sex in hot tubs (they can be used underwater, unlike everything else on the market) and for playing with men's genitals.
Oil-based lubes, such as vegetable oils, Vaseline, Crisco, and most lotions, are incompatible with latex condoms and break them down in short order (though there is still some debate about whether it's OK to use oil-based lubes with latex gloves for reasonable periods of time). Oil-based lubes should be fine for masturbating men, and are usually preferred if they're an option.
Male and Female Arousal Patterns
It seems to be a fact of life that, on the average, women take longer to become aroused than men (though women are often able to experience deep, multiple orgasms without the refractory period that men go through, so I suppose it's only fair...). Having intercourse before full arousal rarely feels good for women. For many male/female couples, the best approach may be to enjoy a lot of foreplay followed by a lot of cunnilingus (or something similarly pleasurable) before engaging in intercourse.
It is much more common for women to be pre-orgasmic (i.e. to have never experienced an orgasm) than it is for men. A good thing to buy, if you are a pre-orgasmic woman, is a plug-in vibrator such as a Hitachi Magic Wand. The key thing is just to have fun, without being too goal-oriented.
Stimulating the G-Spot or Prostate Gland
Most sexually active people today are aware of the clitoris and its role in female pleasure; similarly, most sexually active people today are aware of the penis and its role in male pleasure. Knowledge about the female G-spot (the area of the vagina adjacent to the urethral sponge) and the male prostate gland is less common, however.
Basically, many women (once they are fairly aroused and possibly have had an orally-induced clitoral orgasm or two) find that it feels good if someone puts their first two fingers an inch or two into their vagina (to just beyond the pubic bone) and presses gently but deeply towards their belly with a circular or "come to me" motion. This tissue can feel ridged, and as arousal increases you may be able to feel the urethral sponge itself through the vaginal wall as it swells. G-spot pleasure can be very deep and intense, and if continued can often be a source of multiple orgasms. It can also feel good to make the circular motions with one's first two fingers into her G-spot while massaging her clitoris with the thumb of the same hand, or to repeatedly rotate the two fingers (farther in, keeping the pressure even all the way around the vagina) to integrate the sensations. G-spot stimulation sometimes results in female ejaculation. It has been fairly conclusively demonstrated that female ejaculate is not urine, but if you're still concerned about it just put a towel down on the bed before starting to play.
An identical game can be played with men, except that you use one or two fingers inside the anus rather than the vagina. The structure one is pressing into is called the "prostate gland," and some men find it feels especially good to have this structure stimulated while their penis is being stroked. It's found a few inches inside the anus towards the stomach, and often feels like a firm bulge. If you're worried about hygiene, just put on a latex glove before inserting your fingers (and don't forget to use some water-based lube for his comfort).
Be sure to clip your fingernails quite short before doing any of these two types of penetration. If you must have longer fingernails for fashion reasons, pack some cotton balls around your fingernails and then put a latex glove.
Since G-spot or prostate play often makes people feel as if they have to go to the bathroom (whether or not they really do), it's a good idea for them to actually use the bathroom just beforehand. Then they won't have to worry about whether these sensations are caused by anything "real," and they can just lie back and enjoy it.
Using Your PC Muscle
The pubococcygeus (PC) muscle supports the genital organs in both men and women. Toning it can enhance the quality of your orgasms as well as yielding several other positive benefits. Basically, the next time you pee notice what muscles you use when you stop the flow of urine. Once you've identified this muscle and what it feels like to contract it, you should be able to consciously and repeatedly contract it, hold the contraction for a second or two, and then relax it. These exercises are called "Kegel" exercises, and doing them (for both men and women) will tone the PC muscle.
For both men and women, contracting the PC muscle while having sex can feel good to the other partner and enhance your own arousal level. For men, contracting the PC muscle just before orgasm (and tightening the buttocks) can help avoid an ejaculatory orgasm; some men also find that squeezing their PC muscle during orgasm enhances their sexual pleasure.
Experimenting with Male Multiple Orgasms
Since sex feels nice and (especially for women) often feels nicer the longer it goes on, it seems natural that some men would want to figure out how to prolong it. Obviously, one option is to spend a lot of time getting your partner off orally or manually or with a vibrator before switching to intercourse. But instead of or in addition to this, techniques have been developed by some men to approximate the multiple orgasms which women often seem to have so easily:
- Learn (through masturbation just to the point of ejaculatory inevitability) exactly how your body responds and feels just before you ejaculate. Then, while having sex, slow down or change the stimulation you are receiving so you don't go beyond this point. This can feel like a mini-orgasm, except that you don't ejaculate. After a while, continue whatever you were doing. If your partner is fucking, fellating, or masturbating you it might be valuable to work out some sort of signal (such as pulling your hips away) so you don't go "over the edge."
- Use a variety of "Taoist" techniques (which include PC muscle contraction and some other things) to achieve fuller orgasms without ejaculation. Read The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Chia Mantak for details.
In general, the longer you can put off your orgasm the stronger it will ultimately be. Again, a big part of all this is not seeing orgasm as the goal of sex; enjoy the sensations throughout your body, whatever they may be, whether or not they lead to orgasm or even erection.
Heating Things up with Erotic Talk
Most people love hearing nice things about themselves, and they usually love being told when something they do for you feels especially good. If you know what your partner's favorite fantasies are, it's also fun to incorporate them into whispered "hot talk" during sex. Carol Queen's book Exhibitionism for the Shy is especially good if you want to learn more about this sort of thing.
Erotic Massage
Erotic massage is a wonderful way to give to your partner and to raise sexual energy in a completely safe manner. It is discussed at length in this document on this web site.
"Tantric" Sex
In the West, "Tantra" is used as a catchall word that refers to many different types of eroticism with spiritual components. These sexual practices typically involve ritual preparation and consecration of the space, energetic exercises designed to connect the participants with each other, and some sort of ritual sexuality combined with meditation and/or visualization. For men, ejaculation is typically deemphasized in favor of non-ejaculatory "energy" orgasms.
This is a big topic, and you would probably want to do a bit of reading if you're curious about it. However, there are several simple techniques you can try which will probably enhance your existing form of making love.
Without a doubt, the single most powerful thing you can do while making love to increase your sense of spiritual connection with your partner is to initiate and maintain eye contact. To augment this, try breathing in unison deeply and rhythmicly (the "bliss breath," a form synchronized breathing which includes sipping in air through the mouth and immediately making a sharp vocal exhalation by mouth, can also be quite powerful). To get even higher, make love in a face to face position and form a heart connection by each of you placing your right hand over the other's heart and placing your left hand over the other's right hand.
Some mystics believe that concentrating on a particular result you want right at the moment of orgasm (or else in the "afterglow" immediately following one) can increase the chance this result actually occurring. For men, this technique is claimed to work well even if the orgasm is a non-ejaculatory one.
Exploring BDSM
Depending on the interests of the participants, BDSM play can include role playing (e.g. one of you is at the command of the other during the course of the evening), bondage of some kind, and/or sensation play (spanking, scratching, pinching, hair pulling, flogging, teasing, etc.).
If you and your partner(s) want to experiment with any sort of play where one of you wants to pretend to resist or to pretend not to like what is happening, it's a good idea to use a "safeword." This is a special word (actually, the word "safeword" itself is a good choice) that when used causes play to immediately cease until both participants are ready to go ahead again. It prevents confusion between "No, please don't!" as an erotic thing to say and "No, please don't!" as a request that should be taken literally in order for the "scene" to remain consensual. In general, good communication skills, such as the ability to talk about ("negotiate") a scene with your partner ahead of time, are important elements in determining the quality of your mutual experience with BDSM.
If you're going to be doing bondage with anything more complicated than non-constricting padded leather cuffs attached to someone lying on a bed, or plan on doing any sort of sensation play much more serious than spanking, it's a good idea to read a book or two on BDSM technique so you can learn how to do what you want to do with skill and grace while staying aware of any necessary safety precautions.
Role playing, especially the type of role-playing where one of you offers to do whatever the other requests for a set period of time, can be quite sexually empowering for both participants. For the person being served, it can be a wonderful exercise in learning to ask for what you want (see "Choosing What Pleases You"); since your partner has already agreed to do what you ask for (within reason, or with possible exceptions that they articulated), it should be easier to indulge in exactly what you want without guilt. For the person serving, it can be a wonderful exercise in learning to look out for another person's needs and desires (see "Empathy"); it can also be a tremendous liberation from the stresses of work and responsibility to have only simple (and possibly erotic) jobs to do, which are clearly articulated to you by someone you care for.
Many couples enjoy consensually restraining or pinning each other down, then possibly blindfolding the restrainee before he or she gets played with, spanked, or fucked. Especially when playing this way for the first time, a "safeword" would probably be in order and it would probably be a good idea to talk about ("negotiate") the scene ahead of time. Being restrained and blindfolded for long periods of time can provoke altered states of consciousness; since this can be psychologically potent stuff, be prepared (as you should be with sex in general, actually) to call things off and listen non-judgmentally to what your partner has to say if difficult emotional issues come up for him or her.
Sensation play, which runs the gamut from brushing feathers over your partner's body to spanking to flogging to whatever, is almost as popular a fantasy as is bondage. Many cultures incorporate elements of what we would call SM into traditional spiritual ceremonies, as extreme sensation (built up to over a period of time) is known to provoke altered states of consciousness and mystical visions.
If what you are interested in is light spanking, etc. as an adjunct to sex, you probably won't have to worry about the psychological subtleties that become important with more intense play. However, if you two are interested in going deeper, here are some hints for the person on the receiving end of things:
- Keep breathing regularly and deeply, and stay relaxed. If you want to get even more sophisticated about this, you can try a visualization suggested by Author Joseph Bean: "breathe out the pain, and breathe in a relaxed receptivity to the scene in progress."
- Make noise if you need to, especially when exhaling.
- Key into some characteristic of the person playing with you that makes you want to go farther or longer - wanting to please that person if they are enjoying what they are doing to you is as good a method as any. Alternatively, go mentally more deeply into a particular fantasy you have which involves something like what is happening to you (which will probably be different for each person). Or...
- Key into your trust of the person playing with you. "Pain" only has to be "bad" when it signals danger. If you trust that your partner is not going to physically damage you, your mind is in theory free to interpret "pain" as something else entirely (this is where SM can become mind-expanding). Or...
- For flagellation scenes especially, visualize absorbing the energy of each stroke and transforming it into sex, strength, and/or power (Joseph Bean suggests another option: visualizing the pain not as pain but rather as heat, light, or color).
And, here are some hints for the person on the delivering end of things:
- Your partner will be able to go deeper and longer if you alternate between "envelope-pushing" sensation and lighter or overtly pleasurable sensation (e.g. sexual stimulation, running a nice soft mitten over them, kissing them, etc.). Ideally, the intensity should start lightly, gradually build, pull back for a while, build again, pull back for a while, etc. Each intensity peak can be higher than the last until it's time to quit.
- Your partner may be able to go deeper and longer if you are obviously enjoying what you are doing to them, and are obviously turned on (in some sense) by their submission to you or trust in you. When you feel moved to do so, be sure to tell your partner that he or she is beautiful, handsome, etc., and that you're having a good time.
- Your partner will have a much better time if you slowly build up to the most intense sensations over a period of time. As the recipient's natural pain killers (endorphins) kick in, a sort of "runner's high" results that can often lead to ecstatic states of consciousness or at least a desire to keep playing (or play harder).
- After particularly intense play, your partner may be in a vulnerable altered state of consciousness. "Take care of your partner" for a while, be willing to listen to what he or she has to say about the scene, etc.
As a final note, the BDSM community in the U.S. is currently quite active, with educational and play organizations popping up in almost every state of the union. Classes and play parties may already be offered in your area on a regular basis.
Maybe Fisting?
Some women enjoy vaginal fisting (having all or most of their lover's hand in their vagina). This is DEFINITELY a case where you should proceed only with your partner's active and ongoing encouragement and within her comfort level. If you two would like to give vaginal fisting a try, then I'd recommend first reading Deborah Addington's book A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting. However, the basic technique is as follows: with your hand palm up (and your lover on her back or on all fours) bring your fingers and thumb together to form something that looks like a duck bill. With massaging, and possibly gentle twisting motions, slowly tease your hand into her vagina. If your anatomies allows it, once you get past the third knuckles your fingers will start to gently and naturally curve back to form a fist. Anal fisting uses the same basic hand technique, but with different lube and more preparation; read TRUST/The Hand Book by Bert Herrman if this is your area of interest.
Fisting takes time and plenty of trust, but the women and men who can take a whole hand vaginally or anally usually claim that it leads them to transcendent, ecstatic altered states.
Being in Love
I wouldn't presume to have a "definition" of love, but just as the same poem can be read passionately or indifferently at a poetry reading, so the same feelings of love can either be well-conveyed or lost in the translation.
My philosophy is that love is best expressed in the little things. Being thoughtful. Thinking about what the other person needs. Keeping agreements. Calling when you're going to be late. Telling them when you realize something that you appreciate about them.
It's interesting to me how people will spend two months' wages on a diamond and then not spend two minutes taking out the garbage; over the years, I personally have little doubt which would have more impact.
Dealing with Body-Image Issues
Unfortunately, many people dislike their bodies and hence have trouble enjoying sex. This is a difficult issue, but here's some food for thought... After someone has already decided to have sex with you, does it do either of you any good for either of you to be upset about your appearance? Unless you have some specific reason to believe your partner is lying when he or she tells you that you're beautiful, why not take his or her word at face value? Also, just speaking for yourself, would you rather have sex with someone imperfect in appearance (by mass media standards) but wildly turned on to you and enthusiastic, or would you rather have sex with someone more traditionally attractive but so hung up about their body that they can't have a good time or enjoy pleasing you?
It's worthwhile to play around with the idea that pleasure and intimacy are good for you (i.e. that you're doing something productive and good for your body by having sex). It's also worthwhile to (at least once) attend a nudist event and see just what the range of human bodies types really is.
Bisexuality
Depending on one's underlying sexual orientation and preferences, there can sometimes be distinct advantages to being able to enjoy having sex with both men and women.
- Many people with opposite-sex lovers find the thought of their lover having sex with someone of the same gender to be a potent erotic fantasy; coming to terms with this aspect of yourself (if it is there at all) could be a huge gift for both your partner and yourself.
- Especially for (mostly) het-identified men, being bisexual can sometimes help when exploring various aspects of contemporary sex-positive culture; a friend of mine who is intimately involved with the San Francisco community once phrased this more bluntly: "The easiest way for men to start having more sex with women is to start sucking dick."
- You will be able to enjoy attending same-sex bathhouses, sex clubs, and sex parties; many of these events allow singles to attend, which mixed-gender spaces such as swinger's clubs often do not.
- You will be able to have a lot more fun in mixed-gender group sex situations.
Dr. Kinsey proposed a continuum for sexual orientation, with 0 representing pure heterosexuality and 6 representing pure homosexuality. There are relatively few folks at the extremes of this continuum - the bulk of us are somewhere in the middle. The problem is that most folks get hung up on the question of romance: "I only fall in love with men (or women), so I can't be bisexual." Unless you are looking for a closed, monogamous relationship and don't really enjoy having sex during the dating process, instead of asking yourself, "Could I fall in love with that person," try asking yourself, "Could I have a good time having sex with that person?"
Understanding Polyamory
Polyamory is the state of being open to having more than one romantic and/or sexual relationship at once, without "cheating" on any of your partners by implying you are monogamous. There are many different ways in which people negotiate and structure polyamorous relationships, but the key philosophical underpinning behind all of them is that love isn't a zero-sum game; you don't automatically have to love person A less because you decide you also love person B. This lifestyle has some advantages and disadvantages. On the plus side:
- You will have a larger network of friends and lovers who care about you. The practical benefits of this, as well as the intense feelings of support it creates, can be wonderful.
- You won't have to try to find the one "Mr. or Mrs. Perfect" who meets all of your needs, because your relationship needs can be met by a combination of folks who each have their strengths and weaknesses. This can help take a lot of pressure off people you are in relationship with, because you won't be as tempted to start thinking along the lines of "This person could be The One, if only I can manage to change this and this and this about him [or her]..."
- There is a higher probability you will be able to stay friends with a lover if you break up, and because you have a larger network of friends and lovers your social life won't completely fall apart.
- You won't have to worry as much about "affairs" breaking up the relationship between you and a lover, because neither you nor your lover will have to (and hence be tempted to) end your relationship with each other in order to date that other person.
On the minus side:
- If your life gets busier due to a job change, new baby, etc., you may not be able to have as much "alone time" with some of your partners as you would like. This can be hard on everyone concerned.
- Polyamory is a hard lifestyle to explain to monogamous folks, and some particularly dim-witted people will be unable to distinguish what you are doing from cheating no matter how eloquently you explain it.
- Being polyamorous can work against you in custody battles if your ex decides to go for a "low blow."
- You may have to move out of seeing jealousy and blind mistrust as a sign of love, if this is your tendency.
"Polyamory" can take a variety of forms ranging from "closed marriages" among a few people to completely open relationships.
Visiting Sex Clubs and Attending Sex Parties
Some people find the thought of meeting other adults for casual sex and possible intimate friendships to be exciting.
Many parts of this country are within driving distance of a swinger's club or two. These exist primarily for male-female couples to meet other male-female couples for sex and possible ongoing relationships. An "on-premises" club is one where sex is allowed at the facility, and an "off-premises" club is one which arranges events (typically dances) where you can make dates with other couples.
In most cities of the U.S., one can pretty easily find men-only sex clubs and men-only bathhouses (bathhouses will have facilities such as a steam room, but are still primarily for male-male sex). The tradition at many bathhouses is not to use condoms for fellatio, so if your safer sex standards include using latex barriers for oral this is something to be aware of (if you choose not to use latex for fellatio, be aware that it IS considered courteous at the baths not to come in someone's mouth unless they specifically offer to let you). If you're going to engage in anal intercourse as either the penetrator or the penetratee you'll definitely want to use a latex condom or insist that one be used; a significant percentage of the men who frequent the baths are HIV+, and if someone says you "don't have to use latex with them" that may be their way of saying they're HIV+. Most of the cruising at the baths is non-verbal, and you generally don't say very much or exchange names. Sex between men at the baths, however it may take its course, usually ends with each man masturbating himself to orgasm. Going to men-only bathhouses or men-only sex clubs and just being a voyeur is considered acceptable, although depending on the club you may have to take your clothes off when you enter.
If your interest is BDSM, you're in luck. Same-gender and mixed-gender BDSM play parties are held on a regular basis all over the country, and typically aren't that hard to get invited to (if an invitation is even required).
The women's BDSM community in many large cities may host women-only events (which may allow and encourage sex) on a regular basis. A few women's dance events, such as a few of those in San Francisco and Seattle, can be quite cruisy - a little bit like hip off-premises swing clubs.
Private events are held all the time in many of the larger, more progressive cities, but you often need to be specifically invited to them in order to attend. If it helps, think of this as one of the possible "perks" of being a productive and supportive member of your local sex-positive culture. Some traits which might work in your favor as you start to get involved in the community are open-mindedness and tolerance (homophobia or bigotry about other types of safe and consensual adult activities definitely would not work in your favor), being courteous and respectful of others' space and boundaries (i.e. not being pushy), and being willing to help out when volunteers are needed.
Happy loving!
