Echo's Notorious Sex Blog

Rules of The Booty call

2006-08-01T01:46:00.000-07:00

Let's start with the definition of a booty call...................................................

A booty call is a telephone call, other communication or visitation made with the sole intent of achieving sex with the person being contacted. Such a call is usually made later in the evening and often after consuming alcohol. Traditionally this phenomenon, especially the term booty call, is associated with a woman calling a man, when both parties are already in a sexual relationship.

The term itself is more likely to be used by the person answering the call or others in his/her company than the person making the call. It is often derisive, but not always. For example, "Did Paul take off?", "Yeah, he had to answer a booty call."

Although traditionally the telephone is used for a booty call, the last ten years have seen the rise of IM/chat/e-mail/text message booty calling, benefitting those more timid and more sk illed at written manipulation than at live conversation due to the according anonymity and, hence, increased license to say anything in these formats.

THE BOOTY CALL

The booty call should be made on the same day you plan on getting with him/her. The first option is to call right before you want to meet him/her. The second option is to call ahead of time to schedule the meeting for a later time.

To use the second option you need to have a good idea of what his/her usual schedule is like and the best time and way of reaching him/her, whether through cell or home line, so you don't get the answer machine. However, it's always best to use the first option, calling right before meeting.

Most of the calls should be at night, but if you're calling him/her for the first time, the call should definitely be at night.

The majority of the booty calls need to be at his/her place. A good rule of thumb is 3 to 1, average three meetings at her place for every one meeting at your place. One reason for having them mainly at her place is to make it the customary location.

Make sure you sleep over the first time you two have sex, whether it was a booty call or not, and then apply the 2 to 1 sleepover rule when developing a booty call relationship. You should average one sleepover for every two times you don't sleepover.

Since emotional bonds are strengthened faster than they are weakened, the 2 to 1 rule acts as the emotional bond stabilizer for the both of you. If the bond gets too strong or too weak, it will jeopardize the booty call relationship and it may be too late to remedy the situation.

When you call, depending on when you call and when you want to meet him/her, ask if she is doing anything right now, tonight, or later on. If it's the first call, talk for about 5 minutes before asking. If it's not the first call, keep the talk under 3 minutes.

It doesn't matter whether he/she says yes, no, or anything else, the purpose of the question is to prime her for the next question.

The next thing you should ask him/her is if you can come over to his/her place. For example, "Let me come over <right now/tonight/later on>"

If he/she doesn't answer immediately, say "Ok" or "Alright" in order to elicit a similar response from her. He/She will either say ok or give you an excuse. If the excuse is one that you think he/she would be able to get around, then continue with your persuasion. But if the excuse is a serious one, then it's best to say goodnight and call a few days later.

He/She also might ask why you want to come over, in this case say something along the lines of, "I just want to see you for a little while". If she's more of the flirty type, you can say, "Why do you think?"

Common excuses you might encounter:

* He/She is tired -- this excuse borders between one he/she can get around and one he/she can't. You'll have to play this one by ear and listen to his/her tone of voice. If he/she doesn't sound tired, it's a safe bet to pressure her a bit more with the, "I just want to see you for a little bit" line.

* He/She is going out that night -- tell her you'll come by after she gets back, even if she won't be back until late at night. After all, that's how the booty call got its reputation.

* He/She has to do some work (whether for school or her job) -- say something similar to what you would if she says she's going out, say you'll come by right after she's finished.

* He/She simply says she's busy or has to do something -- ask him/her what he/she has to do, if it's an excuse he/she can get around, just say you'll come by after he's/she's finished with whatever he's/she's doing or has to do.

If he/she keeps giving excuses for why he/she doesn't want to meet, then he/she probably isn't interested in you and/or he/she doesn't feel like having sex at the moment.

Keep in mind that some women are reluctant to saying yes right away, especially if it's the first booty call, but if you work for it just a little, they usually cave in to their desires.

Once a woman has experienced the relaxation that comes from no strings attached sex after building up the tension throughout the day, she'll be constantly craving sex without emotional baggage or pre-sex courting and her booty will definitely be giving you calls when it's 'in need'.

PRE-BOOTY CALL AGREEMENT

The Pre-Booty Call Agreement

This pre-booty call Agreement (hereinafter referred to as "The Agreement") is
entered into on this ___day of ______________, 20 __, by ____________________,
(hereinafter referred to as the "Participant") between ____________________,
(hereinafter referred to as the "Holder of 'The Agreement'") and
____________________ (Participant).

This Agreement shall cover the following rules and principles for the Participant:
1. If it is very good we may repeat it in the morning, but don't hold the Holder of The Agreement to any promises.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 pm. We don't have anything to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" stuff, only mind-blowing sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions!! i.e. where are we heading with this? Do you love me? If the Holder of The Agreement begins said discussion, shut her up with a kiss a nd remind her that this is a Booty Call.
6. No plans made in advance. That is why you are called "the backup." Unless you are from out-of-town, then an advance arrangement as acceptable.
7. All gifts accepted- dinner is always good.
8. No baby talk- however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers; it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other friends with privileges. We are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK. Don't be offended, you mean no less to me than you did before.
12. No extra clothing!! I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. Falling asleep after sex is ok if the Holder of the Agreement is satisfied with your performance to date.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it. I don't care!!
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone of the opposite sex asks who you are, the standard response will be "A friendly acquaintence."
17. Doggie style preferred. Just hit it hard and right or get the Hell out!!!

*Extra tip for successful booty calls: The holder of the Agreement may only alter the aforementioned rules. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of the Agreement, it will automatically become null and void. The Participant will then be removed from the "Possible Future Relationship List" and given minimal Booty Call privileges, and cut off from any communications unless first initiated by the holder of this agreement. If further violations of the Agreement occur the Participant will be deleted from phone memory, email list, and blocked from all communications until the Participant's silly ass understands the rules.
Participant: Holder of the "Agreement":
Signature: ____________________ Signature: ____________________
Date: ____________________ Date: ____________________

Lies We're Told About Sex

2006-07-17T02:09:00.000-07:00

The messages we receive about sex from our parents, the media, and our educational, social, and religious institutions tend to be contradictory, and often downright false. One way to combat the lies we're told about sex is to start cataloguing them. Below is a very incomplete list of some of the biggest lies we're told about sex.

Sex is genetic: it's the puppet-master and we're lucky to be getting our strings pulled now and then.

Because procreation is tied to our species survival, evolutionary scientists and pop psychologists alike argue that the most important understanding of sexuality is the one that links our sexual behavior to procreation. Thus we are told that male sexuality is voracious and dangerous, that female sexuality is a side effect of the need for women to have babies, and that the psychological, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sexuality are not as important as the genetic ones.

There is clearly a genetic component to sex, but that doesn't mean that this is either the most useful, or "truest" perspective from which to think about our sexuality.

Sex is natural and simple: you should just know how to do it.

Sex is natural, we're told, because we have to do it to survive. But this doesn't accurately describe what human sexuality has become. Intercourse may be instinctual for some (but clearly not all) of us, but sexuality is much more than intercourse, and none of it actually comes easily. It's it strange that we are taught how to perform most other basic human behaviors (how to eat, how to communicate, how to go to the bathroom) and as we get older we learn the more complicated ones (how to read, write, drive a car, work) and yet we're just supposed to know how to have sex.

Sex is gender: men are from sex crazed mars women are from soft and romantic venus.

This lie takes many forms:

Women just want to cuddle, men want to have raunchy sex.
Women are sexual communicators, men can't talk about their sexual feelings.
"Real sex" takes place between a man and a woman.
Men and women can't ever be friends, sex always gets in the way.
Men want sex all the time, and women don't.
Men are more visual than women when it comes to sexual arousal.

All of these are variations on the big double-shot sex lie; that sex is 100 percent tied to our gender, and we are all only one gender. The fact is that how we think about, feel about, and actually have sex is infinitely more complicated than which door we walk through in a public washroom.

Sex is spontaneous: don't talk about it, just do it.

When you think of it, this lie about sex doesn't make any sense. If sex is meant to be something fun and exciting, something that makes you feel good about your body and yourself, makes you feel loved and attended to, why would planning for sex ever be a bad thing? Wouldn't it actually be nice to know you're going to get to have sex at the end of a particularly hard day? Yet we're told that the most exciting sex is the sex that "just happens". In reality sex rarely "just happens". It's true that many couples never talk about sex beforehand, but that doesn't mean that one (or more likely both) partners aren't thinking about it, wondering when they're going to have it next, and fantasizing about what kind of sex it will be.

Bigger is better, more is better�better is better.

These statements are true for some people, some of the time. The specific lie we're told is that these things are true for everyone, all of the time. In reality people have size preferences that change depending on their mood and what sort of sex they want to have. Similarly, we all have different levels of sexual desire, and these levels can change throughout the month, and over the years. Finally, there is a more contemporary lie that tells us we should always be reaching for better sex, trying new things, pushing ourselves and our partners to attain new heights of great sex. Some researchers have pointed out that this competitive attitude can have the opposite effect, making us anxious and on edge about the sex we're having.

Sex is special: it's a rare transformative moment that only comes once in a while.

On the one hand it's true that sex can be transformative and that some of us don't get to have sex as often as we'd like, but on the other hand, sex is an incredibly common and regular occurrence. Yet many of us are raised to think of sex like it's a non-renewable resource that's about to dry up. If instead we put sex in its place among all our other activities of daily living and all the ways we communicate with the people around us, we might have a lot less anxiety about how we're doing it, when we're doing it, if we're doing it right, and who we're doing it with. Sex doesn't need to be treated with kid gloves, it can take it, if we start to dish it out.

We can make it on our own: sexual agency is the same as sexual independence.

We can thank the mostly positive influence of the women's movement on sexual expression for this subtle lie. What's true is that we all have a right to sexual agency; to experience sexual pleasure on our own terms, think sexual thoughts, and have sexual desires separate from those around us. But the silent lie is that sexual agency equals complete independence. In truth, none of us are completely independent from those around us, and we rely on others in ways few of us acknowledge. Among the few people who have managed to really figure this out are folks living with disabilities who require assistance with regular daily activities. When you rely on others for some form of help it becomes very apparent the way we are all connected. If you don't, you can go through life imagining that you'd be fine without anyone around. Yet even masturbation, whi ch is often fueled by sexual fantasy, requires some external stimulation (even if you're only dreaming of the UPS guy or gal, they're still involved to some extent).

There's a right way and a wrong way to have sex.

Whether we're being told we have to do it with someone else (masturbation isn't "real" sex), we have to do it with someone of the opposite sex, we have to do it in a bed, 2.5 times a week, or some other form of this lie, there are no lack of people who want to feed you the lie that there is only one (or two) right ways to have sex. The truth is that there are no rules (beyond age and consent) to how you can have healthy and fun sex. Whenever you catch someone feeding you this lie, call them on it.

Great sex is all about�

Is it about sexual technique? Is it sexual communication? Is it the "spark", or the bed sheets, or the sex toys, or the weather system? Amazon lists over 150 books with great sex in the title, each one offering you an endless stream of advice on what constitutes great sex. It's no lie that great sex can be had, but the lie is that one person's great sex will be your great sex. Great sex probably isn't like a great chocolate chip cookie recipe, which works best if you follow the directions to the letter. Learning more about sex can probably only add to your experience of good sex, but in the absence of any proof, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that great sex happens in the way you uniquely put it all together, not in following a step by step guide book written by someone whose main goal is to sell you a book.

Ask a Sex Question that is bothering you

2006-07-17T01:10:00.000-07:00

Ask One Sex Question This Week

This tip was inspired by a website a friend sent me called Question swap. The concept of the site is that you submit a question that has been bothering you for some time, and in return you are sent someone else's question that you have to answer. Then someone answers your question (and the answer gets emailed back to you). Apparently the results are hit and miss, but I love the concept of questions as a conversational building block (even though I don't think that�s the actual concept, it's my interpretive dance version of their concept).

One of the most difficult hurdles to get over when it comes to talking about sex (whether it's talking with a partner, with a family member, with your therapist, etc�) is integrating it into your daily life.

Sex talk is usually so loaded. Either it's a scary thing about sexual difficulties, or you're anxiously awaiting big time rejection, or there's a blood test involved. Talking about sex is rarely casual fun.

When people ask me why I'm so comfortable talking about sex I propose to them that if they spent all day, everyday, talking about sex, they'd be pretty comfortable bringing it up in casual conversation too.

This day's sex tip hopes to take you one step closer to this goal, by giving you the task of asking someone a question about sex this week.

These shouldn't be skill testing questions, and they shouldn't be asked in a mean spirit (designed to embarrass or coerce someone into talking about sex). They are questions designed to let people talk about sex, and also to get you more comfortable breaking the unspoken rule that you aren't supposed to talk about sex.

Ask your best friend, or grandmother, or someone you just met. Be respectful, and consider the fact that for some people a question about sex could be traumatic, or trigger unexpected reactions related to bad sexual experiences. Choose wisely, but at the same time, try to take some risks in who you ask, and what you ask them.

If you're stumped on what to ask, here are some of my favorite questions to ask random people:

Where did you first learn about sex?

When you grew up, what were the names you learned for your sexual body parts?

What was the worst sex you ever had? Did you ever have it again?

In theory, would you ever have sex with me? (note: use this one with caution, and only if you want to know the answer)

That last question is a bit of a joke, and goes against the spirit of this day's sex tip, but it can have fascinating results.

The point of this exercise is definitely not to create stressful conversations, the point is just the opposite. As long as you're pretty sure this is a welcome question, try to ask the question in the same way you might ask about the last movie someone saw, or where they got that great shawl they are wearing.

Have fun!

WHY DO MEN FALL ASLEEP AFTER SEX

2006-07-10T13:51:00.000-07:00

The gentle buzz of snoring is among the most annoying sounds known to woman.

Especially when it happens shortly after a passionate encounter.

Scientists explained exactly why it is that men have a tendency to nod off after making love.

Apparently, it's nothing to do with wanting to avoid a cosy chat with their partner. According to the scientists, they are simply tired out.

As frustrating as it is for most women that their male partners just roll over and fall asleep after sex, men aren't entirely to blame.

Humans are the only animals in which sleep and sex are linked and while often seen as just a poor excuse, there are scientific reasons why men feel tired after sex.

Physically drained

The blood rush after climax depletes the muscles of energy-producing glycogen, leaving men feeling physically drained.

Because they have more muscle mass than women, men become tired after sex and this subsequently leads to them feeling sleepy.

80 % of men said they felt more relaxed and were able to drift off without any problems after making love, compared with 46 % of women.

The country was found to have the highest number of men who fall asleep after sex.

Men in the city managed on average to stay awake for just three to four minutes, according to the survey.

'Play uplifting music'

Men claimed to take up to 20 minutes before falling asleep with music playing.

For women there are some tips on keeping men awake long enough for a cuddle and chat.

Have sex out of the bedroom, away from the usual sleeping environment, or play uplifting music - not the usual romantic sounds.

Try ~ I Feel Good by James Brown, Elvis Presley's ~ A Little Less Conversation or Britney Spears ~ Toxic.

also recommended is to "talk sex".

There is no better time to communicate with one another than after a mutually gratifying sexual experience.

Communicate

Discuss all the things you enjoyed and found arousing, try to avoid talking about the negatives," he said.

suggested to the more adventurous, is that you could videotape your lovemaking sessions - so you have something to watch afterwards.

Not everyone nods off after sex. The survey found 48% of men had actually fallen asleep during the act itself.

A mere 11 % of women admitted being guilty of this.

What is Tantric Sex?

2006-07-09T16:02:00.000-07:00

Basics about Tantra

Sex isn't some new thing that was invented in recent history. We all know this, but we tend to imagine that sex has been mainly about procreation and not about enjoyment until recent times. But the idea that sex could be for pleasure, and for personal and spiritual growth, is ancient. There are a wide variety of ways of thinking about sex that are radically different from the current North American approach. One of the oldest approaches is Tantra.

What is Tantra?

One translation of the word Tantra is "tools for expansion." Tantra is over 1500 years old, and like yoga it originated in India. It is a set of teachings and practices that are specifically designed to help us feel more, to increase our awareness of our own energy and the energy around us. The path that Tantra uses to these ends is the exploration of sexual energy.

The goal of Tantric sex is to allow us to experience more depth and breadth in our sexuality. The goal is not necessarily orgasm, but rather enriching the whole sexual experience.

Is Tantra a Religion?

While traditional Tantric teachings refer to concepts such as �universal energy� or �higher power� the teachings are, in many cases, not about stubbornly sticking to one set of beliefs or rules. If you are interested in the idea of sexual expression bringing you closer to a higher power, you will find much in Tantra that speaks to you. If you are looking for a way to enhance or deepen your sexual connection with your partner, Tantra can offer many wonderful opportunities without requiring that you follow any specific set of beliefs.

Who is Tantric Sex Good For?

Many of the teachings are about desire and the experience of sexual energy. Unlike western approaches to improving your sex life, Tantra teachings do not focus on external evaluations of what our body looks like, what kind of car we drive, how we wear our hair. In this way Tantric sex teaching are open to anyone who is interested in exploring a new path to sexual fulfillment.

Incorporating ideas of Tantra into your sex life can be something anyone does, regardless of age, sexual orientation, and what your body looks, like, how it feels, how it moves, etc�

What are Chakras?

Tantra distinguishes many different energy systems within us. One of these that you might have already read about is chakras; energy centers in the body between the pelvis and the top of the head. In this system of thought, there is the idea that the smooth flow of energy in our bodies can get stuck somewhere in the system blocked from moving freely or depleted for a variety of reasons. Tantric practice works toward keeping energy flowing through us smoothly and naturally.

What is Tantric Sex Like?

Tantra is different from western ideas about sex in some other important ways. The western concept of sex is like a story with a clear beginning (sexual excitement), middle (penetration), and end (orgasm). This is the way it�s supposed to be and if you don�t follow the story, something is wrong. Sex without penetration is often viewed as being "not real� or �merely� foreplay.

In Tantric sex the point of sex is not orgasm, the point is to feel. There is no clear cut beginning middle or end. Most of the exercises related to Tantric sex involve slowing things down, trying not to focus on our external body, or orgasm, or anything outside of our experience of the moment.

Without a focus on orgasm, the goal becomes increased awareness leading to greater understanding of ourselves, which eventually leads to enlightenment. There is no pressure to "get over the top". This doesn't mean that orgasm doesn't exist in Tantra, it just isn't the be all and end all. The spiritual practice and the good sexual feelings are inter-related, each leading back to, and improving the other.

What Tantric sex �looks like� will be different for different people. Tantra is taught by many teachers around the world, who have their own take on it, influenced by the cultures they grew up in. Certainly a key feature of Tantric sex is the importance of breathing, and slowing down sexual behavior compared to the hectic, orgasm-focused North American approach.

Tantric Sex: Basic Technique

The fundamental premise in tantric sex is that when the sexual energy travels up the spine (instead of out the penis) the result is greater and more lasting pleasure, a clearer mind, a more creative life, and a source of unlimited love.

Most jokes about sex are related to sexual dysfunction. We can view tantric sex then as aimed at sexual function, or increased function or increased efficiency of action.

As in regular yoga asana (posture), the arrangement of the two bodies, male and female, and the action of the breath (breathing patterns) are fundamental to achieving good results.

BASIC TECHNIQUE, JUST 3 PARTS
1. In hatha yoga classes there is a short series of exercises called "Sun Salutations" or "Salutation to the Sun". Prior to getting into bed, or starting foreplay, but when the energy of desire is high, performi ng (at least) 3 complete sun salutations together in the bedroom is a very useful pre-requisite to encouraging the energy to travel up the spine. This is also very useful in cases where the male tends to ejaculate too soon. Try it! You can find hatha yoga classes just about anywhere, including videos and DVD. You may find that after the short set of yoga the desire seems to cool, don't worry - there's always another wave.

2. The beginning position for tantric sex is called 'yab-yum' , with the man seated in what is called half-lotus position (similar to crossed legs) and the woman straddled over the man. This position is chosen for function (as opposed to dysfunction). This position affords the male greatest control over the ejaculatory response, and by itself can remedy what is considered to be premature ejaculation. The greater control over biology provided by this position also allows the act of lovemaking to be prolonged indefinitely, which allows for ex tended sexual exploration.

3. The third unique aspect of tantric sex is the breathing patterns. Again, I refer you to a Hatha yoga 101 and the breathing pattern called 'Ocean Breath'. The man and woman, arrange themselves in the yab-yum position, desire is high, and they begin by breathing in & out of each others bodies: while the man exhales through the nose, the woman draws/sips the mans breath in through her nose. And vice versa. If you have never tried this, you may find it is more intoxicating than kissing. To understand the relationship between breath/desire/pleasure/arousal, this is what you seek.

How To Talk to About Your Sexual Issues

2006-07-07T12:43:00.000-07:00

How To Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Issues or Concerns

Whether we are in a brand new relationship or have been married for forty years, when it comes to talking with our partners about sex, panic can often set in. We imagine the rejection (usually with great drama) and taking a risk like that with someone we love can often feel too great. This is probably the reason so few of us do take chances with our partners, and try and share the really difficult stuff of our sexual lives. Here are ideas on raising those hard to raise issues.

Here's How:

Clarify the Issue for Yourself: Sex is complicated, your feelings may have as much to do with your own baggage and history as it does with what your partner is bringing to the table. If something is on your mind, sit with it for a while and clarify what doesn't feel right. Some people find writing a helpful way to do this, others will talk with close friends. The point of this is not to start complaining to others or placing blame, the exercise is all about you and how you feel.
Try to Write it Down: Don't worry about floral language or grammar. Writing down what you want to talk about is a great step to clarify your issues for yourself and practice the way you might communicate it to your partner. Some people actually write their partner a letter, and end up giving it to them at a later point. Letter writing can be a powerful way to communicate your thoughts and feelings, and if done along with talking it can increase intimacy in a relationship in surprising ways.
Practice the Talk: If you're nervous about bringing it up, practice. If you have a good friend you can do this with great. Otherwise, practice on your own. Before every major "talk" I've ever had to do I sit down in front of my computer screen and do it. If my monitor could talk, it would probably tell me to get a life, but it's a great tool for me (and I'm pretty sure my monitor is too old a model to be talking).
Consider Your Timing: One of the most important considerations is when to talk. This will depend a lot on what you are talking about. If you want to raise the idea of trying something new in bed, then raising it just before you're about to be intimate with your partner is probably not a good time. Or raising your dissatisfaction with the frequency of your sex life minutes before your kids are due home (or your in-laws are coming over).
Choose Your Location: As with timing, location can make a difference. Bringing up sexual dissatisfactions in bed can be a bad move as it may create an association of negativity in your bed. Both you and your partner may also feel more vulnerable in bed than you would having the conversation fully clothed, out for a late night walk.
Allow Time for Processing: Remember that your partner may be surprised by what you are saying. Give both of you the time and space to respond honestly without having to feel rushed or pressured. You may not be able to completely resolve the issue, or even talk about all the aspects of the issue in one sitting. Think about sexual communication as an ongoing process, not a one shot deal.
Be Generous: No matter how hard it is for you to bring up your sexual concerns, if you are the only one raising them consider that it may be even harder for your partner. If you can, try to be generous with your partner and try not to place the blame too heavily on either of you. There are two of you in the relationship, and ultimately both of you need to take responsibility for what is happening.
Check In Afterwards: Sometimes we can make ourselves so anxious about bringing something up with a partner, and then it goes not quite as bad as we thought, and we're relieved, so we want to just move on. Give yourself permission to bring the topic up again. Don't do it in a nagging way, but make it clear that your partner that you care about how they feel and you want to check in with how the conversation went.

Tips:

Keep in mind that every situation is different. These are general tips and your situation may call for many additional considerations.
Remember that our imaginations can be our worst enemy when it comes to taking risks like this. The reality is that the response is almost never as bad as you think it will be, and talking openly about your sexual feelings, desires, likes and dislikes, can not only improve your sex life with your partner, it can improve other aspects of the relationship.

Is it Infatuation or Love

2006-07-04T14:17:00.000-07:00

Are Chemistry and Infatuation the Same?
Does Infatuation Equal Chemistry?
Have you ever been mesmerized by a man/woman standing next to you in line? Is it merely infatuation, a strong shot of chemistry, or budding love: the real thing? Is Cupid being an impish child or bringing you true love forever?
Actually, infatuation and chemistry are essentially the same thing. And they are a very, very long way from real love.

According to Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., in his book Keeping the Love You Find, chemistry or infatuation is actually an attraction to a person who combines:
The worst traits of our parents or childhood care takers to infatuate us;
The negative traits that infatuate us and we possess but deny in ourselves;
The traits that we find infatuating but have been repressed in us by our upbringing;
The infatuating traits that society denies our gender.

The Imago is like a homing device that drives us to repeat ourselves, choosing over and over the facsimiles of our caretakers' worst traits. When we find ourselves saying, "You're just like my father (mother)," this person who infatuates us is our Imago match. For example, a man who is seeking a submissive woman, just like the one that married good ol' Dad, is attracted to a woman at a party. Infatuation strikes!
Why?

He is unconsciously attracted to the way the woman demurely lowers her eyes when she is speaking; the way she is so agreeable. He begins a conversation and infatuation strikes them both. She is unconsciously attracted to his power stance and his take-charge air of authority. In short, he reminds her of her father, a no-nonsense, ruler-of-the-realm. You know, the one she could never please. He protectively puts his arm around her; she nestles his head on his shoulder. Together they contemplate true love and happiness forever. Love? No, chemistry and infatuation!
We also seek an Imago who possesses traits of our "Denied Self." These are negative traits from our parents that we cannot bear to recognize in our own behavior.

Hendrix states, "The anger that is so unsettling in your partner was unconsciously chosen by you not only because it reminds you of your mother, but to substitute for the anger you cannot admit to in yourself. Your perception of that anger is at least in part a projection onto your partner of your own inadmissible anger."

By choosing a partner with the traits we deny in ourselves such as compassion or aggression, we can be a whole person without having to take responsibility for aspects of ourselves that make us uncomfortable. We seek in another person those traits that have been buried and repressed in ourselves.

Romantic love or infatuation is really the "king of self-love." It stems from a desire for self-gratification, not love. Part of what we fall in love with is our lost or buried self.
In short, romantic infatuation is an illusion of being in love with another person. In reality, we are in love with our missing selves. We are seeking fulfillment of our expectations by what our mate/lover can give us through association.

We unconsciously want our parents back. We then strive to get the desired results we missed as children and make whole our lost or denied selves.

In other words, chemistry is quite insulting.
Other psychologists have added that at least part of infatuation is buried memories of the first times we had actual contact of a sexual nature, even a quick fondle behind the barn.
We all recall our first dance. As women, we remember the way his hair was combed back from his forehead and the way he held us kind-of close. As men, we remember the way she smiled so sweetly and how she felt in our arms. Long after names are forgotten, those memories become part of "chemistry" or infatuation. Psychologists have said for years that behavior that is learned can be unlearned. However, most psychologists agree that the illusions that cause us to become infatuated are quite powerful and would not be easy to relearn.
Even if chemistry is actually insulting, it certainly feels good, and is probably in our life to stay! We're in love with infatuation!

Here is a poem that will get you thinking!~

Love or Infatuation?
Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another.
Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and places about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.
Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away! I can't risk losing you!"
Love says, "Be patient. Do not panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you can admit it is difficult to be in one another's company unless you are sure it will end ---- in intimacy.
Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is cheating. Sometimes you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels that also and that makes them even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love never will.
Love is an upper. It makes you look up. It makes you think up.
It makes you a better person.

Sexuality and Body Image

2006-07-04T05:23:00.000-07:00

Sexuality and Body Image

Body image, like sexuality, is one of those very broad terms that everyone uses but few take the time to analyze for themselves. While most research on body image focuses on how we feel about the shape and weight of our bodies, body image can incorporate:

How we think and feel about our bodies
How important our physical appearance is to us
How we see our "real" bodies (what happens when we look in the mirror, touch ourselves, smell ourselves, etc�)
How we imagine our body looks
How we imagine other people look at our bodies

One of the most important things to remember is that body image is largely an effect of the unrealistic ideals of beauty that are specific to this time and place. Different societies at different times had ideals of beauty that were radically different than the skinny, practically emaciated bodies we hold up today as the perfect body. The impact of body image is experienced by most of us in deeply personal ways but it's important to remember that we are not born with poor body images, it's something we learn.

Often body image and sexuality are thrown together in the media, but what do we know about the relationship between sexuality and body image?

Body image can impact sexuality.

When we think about body image and sexuality we tend to think about it as a fairly simple relationship. If you grow up with positive messages about your body, you'll be more comfortable in your body, and probably more comfortable having sex, and therefore have better sex. If you feel bad about your body, the opposite will be true.

But it isn't that simple. Our body image and our sexuality can impact each other in unexpected ways. Consider a recent study that examined the connection between body image and risky sexual practices. The study found that:

Men with more positive body image were more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors.
Women with more positive body image were less likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors.

This study reveals two important aspects about the relationship between sexuality and body image. First, body image can have a different impact on different people. Second, having a "positive" body image doesn't always mean positive sexual effects.

Sexuality can impact body image.

Since the 60s, feminist therapists and sex educators have been working with women to help them have more positive sexual experiences, specifically helping them learn how to sexually satisfy themselves and teach their partners how to sexually satisfy them. One of the things this work, and the many books it has spawned, reveals is the way that sexual exploration and sexual behavior can have a positive impact on body image.

Positive body image and sexual satisfaction do not always come together.

Many people assume that those with positive body image reap the rewards in the bedroom. But the connection between the two is more complicated.

A recent study of women between 35 and 55 for example showed that poor body image was related to a reduction in sexual desire and sexual activity. But the same study found that when the women were having sex, their satisfaction was very high. 72 percent of women in the study reported being physically and emotionally satisfied in their sexual relationship and 71 percent reported general sexual satisfaction.

Body image is general, sexual satisfaction is specific.

One possible explanation for the above finding is that body image doesn't account for the unique and personal experience of having sex. Some people may be shy and self-conscious about their bodies when they are out in the world, but they may be uninhibited and comfortable while having sex with a partner they trust. Thus a woman who is bombarded with messages that her aging body is no longer beautiful may feel the weight of that through a decrease in how "sexy" she feels or how often she wants sex, but when she's having sex, the satisfaction may be unrelated to her body image.

Where do male body image issues originate?

There are many professional theories that pin-point modern advertisements and media campaigns that portray the ideal man as lean, muscular and fat-free, much in the same way women have been pressured over the years. Majority of magazine covers (such as Men's Health) and billboards (like Calvin Klein) give the perception of the ideal and desired man as one perfectly fit. For years women have lived with the pressure to be as thin as a Vogue or runway model. Males are also more likely to have a body image disorder due to the pressures of sports and are more likely to induce vomiting because dieting is not a socially acceptable method of weight loss. If you find your anxiety and stress levels increasing over the way you feel about your physical appearance, consult a medical professional and seek help. Preoccupation with body image can lead to dangerous disorders such as anorexia.

What is Sexual Response?

2006-07-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

Explaining Sexual Response

The term sexual response is just a clinical way to say "the things that happen to you while you're being sexual".

Sexual response is usually understood to mean things that we don't consciously control. So, for example, choosing to take your clothes off because you're partner is calling you to bed to have sex isn't, strictly speaking, sexual response. Pouring a drink on someone who is being sexually inappropriate, while also a "response" to (unwanted) sexual advances, also isn't, strictly speaking, part of sexual response.

Sexual response is usually measured in the body. Things like increased heart rate, flushed skin, dilation of the pupils, heightened awareness, are all parts of sexual response. Sex researchers have also traditionally defined male sexual response as distinct and different from female sexual response.

What is a Sexual Response Cycle?

Sexual response cycles were first devised as a way for scientists, doctors, and therapists to try and make sense of how our bodies respond to sexual stimulation. The idea of there being a predictable cycle, one that is similar for everyone, is an artificial creation, but it can be helpful when studying or trying to treat sexual complaints and dissatisfaction. The original research that proposed sexual response cycles is over thirty years old, and for the most part the theory has gone unchallenged, with a few notable exceptions.

The original sexual response cycle as defined by Masters and Johnson in 1966 described a process for both men and women of increasing arousal to climax, and included four phases:

Excitement phase
Plateau phase
Orgasm phase
Resolution phase

Helen Singer Kaplan, a prominent sex therapist and author working around the same time as Masters and Johnson, proposed a slightly different model of sexual response. Her proposal grew not out of physiological research in a laboratory, but out of her clinical experience as a sex therapist. For Kaplan, sexual response included:

Desire
Excitement
Orgasm

One of the most important parts of this model is the addition of desire, which is primarily psychological. Nowadays "disorders of desire" are all the rage among pharmaceutical companies looking for a female version of Viagra.

Benefits of the Sexual Response Cycle Concept

Sexuality is so complicated, and is deeply connected to our physical, psychological, and spiritual selves. Because of this, it can be difficult to see the forest from the trees when it comes to our own sex lives.

Sexual response cycles can be a helpful way to start teasing apart sexual experiences, and thinking about sexual behavior in terms of a cycle of sexual response can give people clarity and help them better understand what's going on for them. But it is important not to let the idea of a "typical" or "normal" sexual response cycle make you feel bad if you're experience doesn't match what it says in a textbook (or on a website).

In reality, the sexual response is an imposition on a very fluid process of excitement, arousal, tension, release, and more. At times there may be a "typical" pattern, but other times things will be completely different. Our sexual response flows and changes, and often the descriptions you hear won't exactly match your experience. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it is just an example of how sexual response is truly unique to each of us.

Problems with Traditional Descriptions of Sexual Response

Most of the teaching about sexual response is based on the research of Masters and Johnson first published in 1966, and Helen Singer Kaplan's alternate model developed in the early 1970s. There are a number of potential problems with the way that sexual response has traditionally been defined:

Early research had several limitations, not least of which is the fact that the sexual response of individuals willing and able to be observed and monitored while having sex may differ in many ways from the general public.
Sexual response is traditionally only described in terms of physical events (heart rate, blood pressure, engorgement, etc...). While sexual response may be observed in the body, it is experienced cognitively and psychologically, and our subjective experience of sexual response should be included in descriptions.
Creating artificial stages of sexual response ends up informing both research and clinical practice, and by encouraging us to focus on small parts of our sexual experience may create a problem of "not seeing the forest from the trees".

Four phase model of female sexual response

Masters and Johnson were the first researchers to propose a "four phase" model of sexual response. They conducted experimental research with adults, both observing adults engaging in sexual behaviors, and measuring what happens to the body during sexual behaviors.

While this description of female sexual response can be a helpful way to start thinking about your own sexual response, try not to use it as a strict guide to measure yourself against. For one thing, the description only deals with physical changes in your body. Your sexual response is much more than blood flow and lubrication.

If you're experience is different it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you. While there are some generalities, the reality is that everyone is different, and everyone's sexual response may be a bit different too. There are limitations to the research that Masters and Johnson conducted, and some researchers argue that separating sexual response into stages doesn't make any sense at all.

Here is what Masters and Johnson found to happen during the four phases of the sexual response cycle for women.

Phase 1 of the Female Sexual Response -- Excitement

In response to sexual stimuli (whether psychological in the form of sexual thoughts or fantasies, or physical in the form of physical stimulation) vaginal lubrication will usually begin. There are many reasons why women may have less (or no) vaginal lubrication, even when there is excitement and arousal. Other physical changes may include:

Vasocongestion will result in the clitoris becoming engorged.
The size and shape of the labia may change.
The inner two thirds of the vagina may expand.
There may be an enlargement of the breasts.
The skin may become flushed, women may experience heightened sensitivity in parts of their body, like the nipples.
Some increase in heart rate, blood pressure, and muscle tension.

Phase 2 of the Female Sexual Response -- Plateau

With continued sexual stimulation this phase represents the time between the initial arousal and excitement, up until orgasm. Physical changes during this phase may include:

A continued swelling of the tissues in the vagina, which may be accompanied by contractions of the vaginal opening.
The clitoris can withdraw into the clitoral hood and the external clitoris can shorten in size.
The labia minora increase in size and turn a reddish-purple.
There may be a sex flush, muscle tension, increase in heart rate and rising blood pressure.

Phase 3 of the Female Sexual Response -- Orgasm

Masters and Johnson description of female orgasm does not include any information about female ejaculation accompanying orgasm. Physical changes involved in female orgasm may include:

Contractions of the pelvic muscles around the vagina.
The uterus and anal sphincter also contract in a throbbing or rhythmic way.
Muscles may spasm, blood pressure and heart rate reach a peak.
The contractions (which occur at different speeds, and in different amounts) are usually what are experienced as highly pleasurable feelings of release.

Phase 4 of the Female Sexual Response -- Resolution

Resolution phase refers to the period of time immediately following an orgasm, when the body begins to return to its "normal" state. This phase includes:

Blood that had engorged areas of the body now flows out, swelling decreases, and eventually muscle tension and skin flush go away.
A general feeling of relaxation.

Four phase model of male sexual response

While this description of male sexual response can be a helpful way to start thinking about your own sexual response, try not to use it as a strict guide to measure yourself against. For one thing, the description only deals with physical changes in your body. Your sexual response is much more than blood flow and lubrication.

Here is what Masters and Johnson found to happen during the four phases of the sexual response cycle for men.

Phase 1 of the Male Sexual Response -- Excitement

In response to sexual stimuli (whether psychological in the form of sexual thoughts or fantasies, or physical in the form of physical stimulation) the process of vasocongestion occurs, where more blood flows into the penis than is flowing out, and the result will usually be that a man will get an erection. How long this takes, and what the erection feels like will differ from man to man, and for the same man over time. Physical changes may include:

There are also changes in the scrotum and testes, with the testes increasing in size and the scrotum elevating, coming closer to the body.
The skin may become flushed, men may experience heightened sensitivity in parts of their body, like the nipples.
Some increase in heart rate, blood pressure, and muscle tension.

Phase 2 of the Male Sexual Response -- Plateau

With continued sexual stimulation this phase represents the time between the initial arousal and excitement, up until orgasm. For many men the plateau phase is very short, but this is the phase that men can extend as a way of controlling premature ejaculation. Physical changes during this phase may include:

An increase in the size of the head of the penis, and the head may also change color, becoming purplish.
The Cowper's gland secretes fluid, often referred to as pre-cum, which comes out of the tip of the penis.
The testes move further in towards the body, and increase in size.
There may be a sex flush, muscle tension, increase in heart rate and rising blood pressure.

Phase 3 of the Male Sexual Response -- Orgasm

Masters and Johnson further divided the orgasmic phase for men into two separate stages. In the first stage:

Contractions in the vas deferens, seminal vesicles, and the prostate causes seminal fluid ("cum" or ejaculate) to collect in a pool at the base of the penis, in the urethra.
This collection is usually felt as a "tickling" type sensation.

In the second stage of the orgasmic phase:

Contractions of muscles occur in a "throbbing" manner around the urethra, and propel ejaculate (cum) through the urethra and out of the body.
These contractions (which occur at different speeds, and in different amounts) are usually what are experienced as highly pleasurable feelings of release.

Phase 4 of the Male Sexual Response -- Resolution

Resolution phase refers to the period of time immediately following an orgasm, when the body begins to return to its "normal" state. This phase includes:

The loss of the erection as the blood flows out of the penis, which happens in two stages over the period of a few minutes.
The scrotum and testes return to normal size.
A general feeling of relaxation.
There is also a refractory period following ejaculation when a man is physically incapable of getting another erection. This period may be from a few minutes to much longer. It seems to be longer in older men, although there are many possible individual differences.

What to do when sex is painful

2006-07-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

Tips for dealing with pain during sex

Because sex can be painful for many reasons, and several factors could be causing the experience of pain during sex, finding the solution can be a bit like solving a mystery (a very painful mystery). Not all of these suggestions will apply to everyone, but here are some steps to take

Take notes: Try to figure out what's going on. Ask yourself some questions:

When did sex start to hurt (has it always hurt)?
When does the pain begin (is it as you're getting excited, only during penetration, related to orgasm)?
Where do you feel the pain (is it in one specific area, or more general)?
Are there still things you can do sexually that don't cause pain?

Explore on your own. If you don't regularly masturbate, now's the time to start. If you can masturbate without pain, that is both a helpful thing to know, but it can also provide you with much needed release while you figure out how to resume sex with your partner without it hurting. Using masturbation to explore sexual pain is particularly good because you don't have to worry about a partner poking you the wrong way. You can be as gentle (or as rough) as you want to be, and you're always in control. If penetration with your partner is painful, you may want to use a vibrator or dildo (with lots of lubricant) to explore penetration with masturbation, to discover if it feels the same or different.

Use plenty of lubrication. One of the most common reasons for painful sex is lack of lubrication. There are all sorts of reasons women experience vaginal dryness, but using a personal lubricant can be an easy and effective way to treat this problem and eliminate a major cause of painful sex.

Communicate with your partner. It can be difficult to talk about sex at the best of times, even for couples who have been together for years. When it comes to talking about a difficult sexual issue, the communication can get even trickier. But communication is key to resolving painful sex. Even if the cause is entirely physical, and will go away with treatment, it's still important to talk with your partner about the pain you're experiencing and figure out other ways for both of you to satisfy your sexual needs while you are getting treated. This can actually be one of the positives of experiencing sexual pain, it can force couples to break down communication barriers and eventually lead to a better sex life than before the pain was experienced.

Experiment with different sexual positions. For some pain during sex happens as a result of pressure on particular parts of the body. It may be putting pressure on certain joints hurt, or that penetration at a certain angle is painful. Try exploring different sexual positions, and see if this alleviates some of the pain.

Consult a doctor or other healthcare provider. If you can, in most cases it is worth talking with your doctor about this. Even if the problem clears up (or seems to clear up) pain during sex can be a symptom of other issues, and knowing this can alert your doctor to other questions they may want to ask. If you're experiencing pain during sex there may be several factors that are contributing to the pain you feel. While things aren't always so clear cut, it can help to separate the common physical causes of pain during sex from the psychological ones.

Physical causes of painful sex

For women there are a number of physical conditions that may make sex hurt, including:

For men there are also a number of physical conditions that can make sex hurt, including:

Some infections (like thrush) can cause soreness and itching
Some sexually transmitted diseases
Tight foreskin

Psychological causes of painful sex

A psychological cause of pain during sex doesn't mean it isn't "real". Often people think that psychological cause is like saying "it's all in your head, just get over it". Psychological causes of pain still result in very real pain, and very rarely can someone just "get over" a psychological reason for pain during sex. For both men and women there are a variety of reasons why our minds may play a role in sex being painful, here are some of the more common causes:

Coercive sexual experiences. Far too many women and men have experienced sexual assault or abuse. For many people their first experience with sex was something they did not choose. If you've never known sex that is consensual and pleasurable, it isn't surprising that when you have sex (even when you choose to have it with a partner you like or love) your body doesn't experience it as pleasurable. If you're interested in learning more on this topic, I highly recommend the book The Survivor�s Guide to Sex which offers hope, support, and concrete guidance for people trying to create a positive sex life after experiencing sexual assault or abuse. It really helped with me after my rape.

Anticipating pain. If you experienced pain during sex (whether it was from a physical condition, or a wrong position), you may begin to anticipate pain the next time you have sex. If you're expecting it at least three things can happen. First, you aren't going to be as tuned into what's going on in your body, and you may find your arousal is lowered. Along with this, women may have less lubrication, which can cause a different kind of pain during sex. As well, the anticipation can actually make the pain feel more intense. For example your body may be very tense, which may result in a different physical experience of pain or pleasure.

Lack of interest in having sex. A very different situation than sexual assault is the time when you may not be in the mood to have sex, but your partner is. Many of us will have sex even when we're not 100% into it, and we do this for a variety of reasons. One of the problems with doing this is that if you're not that interested in having sex, it may result in pain. For women, the most common reason for this is likely lack of vaginal lubrication. If you're not psychologically aroused at least a little, and you don't have a lot of vaginal lubrication, sex will most likely be uncomfortable or painful. For men, if they are physically stimulated they may have an erection and be able to engage in intercourse. But if they aren't turned on, it may take a lot longer to ejaculate than it normally would. If there isn't sufficient lubrication in this scenario the prolonged friction may cause pain.

How to Talk Dirty to your partner

2006-06-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

How to talk Dirty!

Talking dirty to the one you love (or even just the one you're with) is one of those sexual behaviors people are uncomfortable with the first time they do it, and the first time they do it with a new partner. To do it well means letting loose and exposing yourself, which always feels scary the first time. Here are some steps to getting comfortable with dirty talk, and ideas for introducing into your sex play.

Here's How:

Be authentic in your dirty talk.
Dirty talk can feel silly if you expect it to be what you've seen in the movies. You might have this idea that dirty talk is something specific. But good dirty talk is completely what you make it, and to do it well, you have to be yourself. While you may take on a role in your dirty talk (e.g. the ravished submissive) you need to find something of yourself in the role. Make a list of different aspects of your personality you can draw on for inspiration.
Find your dirty talk voice.
You need to find your own way of talking dirty. Your dirty talk might be low rhythmic grunts, high pitched squeals, or precise whispers. It might reflect the way you talk in your daily life, or it might express a different aspect of your personality. You don't need to pick only one voice, the element of surprise can add an extra sense of anticipation, when your partner doesn't know what they're going to get an earful of next!
Expand your dirty talk vocabulary.
Most of us are raised not to swear. Dirty talk is your opportunity to pull out all the stops on the foul mouth express. Unless you're role playing calls for it, avoid clinical terms (like penis). If you're at a loss, do some research online, read some raunchy erotica, or in some cases watch porn (although the dirty talk in porn tends to be unimaginative).
Practice dirty talk when you're alone.
Starting on your own, talk dirty while you masterbate. Fantasize about having sex with your partner and talking dirty to them. You can start by doing it in your head, but eventually do it out loud.
Establish ground rules with your partner.
One of the reasons many of us don't talk dirty is fear of sounding ridiculous, or being put down or rejected by a partner. It's important to set some rules when you're willing to take risks like this. Rules like no laughing at one another, and no judgment are important. In the heat of the moment anything can come out of your mouth, and you need to know that your partner is respectful of the ways that can be exposing.
Start slow the first time.
Don't feel you have to rush right into elaborate verbal gymnastics. A great way to start with dirty talk is to describe out loud what is happening during sex. Things like "I love the way your hand feels in my�." Or "Your �feels so good on/in my�" Describe what's happening and how it feels in your body. You can also experiment by telling your partner something you're going to do to them, or something you want them to do to you.
Experiment with your voice.
Most of us take for granted all the different things we can do with our voice, and the impact these changes have. Experiment with speed, how fast you talk. Some things call for a staccato barrage, while some things are best said slowly. Change the volume of your voice, try whispering, try screaming, try everything in the middle. Also play with the tenor of your voice. You can sound commanding and harsh, trembling and uncertain, and everywhere in between.
Make dirty talking a two way conversation.
Once you've taken the risk and initiated talking dirty with your partner, ask them to do the same. It isn't for everyone, and you might find that you like doing it more than hearing it (or vice versa). But being on the receiving and the giving end of dirty talk can give you a different perspective on it, plus you may learn a few things from your partner you didn't already know

How To Perform Fellatio aka a blow job

2006-06-28T06:50:00.000-07:00

How To Perform Fellatio

Whether you call it a blow job, going down on a man, or giving him head, performing fellatio is an act that requires a lot of trust. Social messages about fellatio suggest that guys love it so much, they don't care about technique. In reality there is a lot of variation in fellating skills, and knowing how to read your partner, what to do to him, and when to do it can make all the difference.

Time Required: 15-30 minutes

Here's How:

Get nice and clean. Social stigma seems to focus on the taste and smell of women's genitals. In fact guys can smell and taste just as much and as strong as women. If you're new to oral sex, you might be worried about taste and smell. If so, suggest a sexy bath or shower together and start with a clean slate. You can also add a bit of flavored lubricant to his penis or put on a flavored condom, which is great for safer oral sex.
Get comfortable. Your comfort is key to your enjoyment, and fellatio can put a strain on your neck and jaw. Kneeling before him on a pillow, while he's standing or sitting, gives you good range of motion and plenty of access. If you've had bad experiences with oral sex where you felt lack of control, have him on his back and crouch in between his legs. Giving head can put you in a major power position, if you like that feeling then go for it.
Tease him with touch. Using your hands first, gently caress his inner thighs, penis, testicles, and perineum, paying attention to his reactions (verbal and facial) as you touch certain spots. The most sensitive spot on a guy's penis is the head (known as the glans), especially the frenulum, an indentation between the glans and the shaft on the underside of the penis. You might want to brush up on your knowledge of , to know what you're working with.
Give him a lick. Follow up with your tongue, exploring the same terrain using slow wide strokes with your tongue. Don't be afraid to use lots of saliva, as this natural lube feels great and helps create friction and suction. There are many STDs that can be passed during oral sex, using flavored condoms is a great way to practice safer sex and deal with any taste you may not like. It is also a perfect way to get guys who say they have difficulty with condoms, to gladly put one on.
Take him in your mouth. When he's semi-erect, slowly guide your lips over the tip of his penis, making sure your lips cover your teeth as you slide gently down his shaft as far as you're comfortable. Keep your mouth taut, as the pressure from your lips will feel great as they glide down the penis. Putting him in your mouth before he is fully erect is a good way of getting comfortable with the size of his penis, particularly if he is in the larger range.
Watch the gag reflex. If you're not adept at deep throat (taking the whole penis in your mouth), don't try it or you'll trigger the gag reflex. It's not necessary and a similar effect can be achieved with the hand and mouth technique described below. With practice, you can learn to relax your gag reflex and take in more of the penis. See past blog posts on this.
Use your mouth and tongue. As your head travels up the underside of the penis, flatten your tongue so it gives his frenulum a nice wide, wet stroke. Don't be afraid to try different types of licks or kisses--the lips feel good when popped over the ridge of the penis--but perform each stroke repeatedly before changing to give consistent pleasure.
Foreskin fun. If your partner is uncircumcised, insert your tongue into the foreskin and circle around the head with it. You can also use your fingers to gently massage the head through the foreskin, alternating with deep tongue licks.
Using your mouth and hand, tip 1. A great blow job incorporates both hands and mouth. Place one hand around the shaft of his penis while you move up and down on the top half of his penis. Try coordinating your movements so your hand and mouth are going up and down in unison. If you're partner is thrusting, your hand will prevent his penis from being pushed too far into your mouth.
Using your mouth and hand, tip 2. If he likes this combination, bring your hand all the way up the shaft (following your mouth), remove your mouth briefly, use your palm to slide and twist over the head (as if you were juicing an orange), and then glide your hand back down followed by your mouth again. Repeat.
Let him come. When he's ready to orgasm, keep your movements consistent and firm--don't slack off. Once he starts ejaculating, see him through with a few strokes and then stop, as most men don't want continued stimulation once they've come.
To swallow or not to swallow? This decision is entirely up to you. There's nothing wrong with you if you don't want to, but it's nice to let your partner know it's nothing personal. If you don't want to swallow, and you don't know how to recognize the signs that he is about to come, let him know you want a warning. Remove your mouth as he's about to ejaculate, and continue hand stroking through his orgasm.

Tips:

Don't forget the rest of his body. The testicles (balls) are particularly sensitive, and most men like them to be stimulated. Try lightly licking or touching his testicles during oral sex. He might also like them to be cradled gently in one of your hands. Some men go wild when you place your hand around the top of the scrotum and gently tug down.
You can also apply pressure to his perineum (the spot between his anus and his penis) with one or two fingers, as this also can feel good.
He might like wearing a butt plug during oral sex for added prostate stimulation. Or you can apply pressure to his anus with one of your fingers. Only try this if you know he likes this type of stimulation.

How To Perform Cunnilingus on Women

2006-06-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

How To Perform Cunnilingus

Some consider oral sex the most intimate of all sex acts. Cunnilingus, the technical term for performing oral sex on a woman, can be incredibly intimate. To be good at it you have to be an excellent reader of her body, her breathing, her movements, and what she may be telling you with words. Everything you do is for your partner in that moment and not based on a performance expectations, lessons from porn, or previous oral sex experiences. It can be a bit Zen, but with more saliva.

Time Required: 30-60 minutes

Here's How:

Clean yourself up! Make sure your hands are clean, and your nails are trimmed as you'll probably want to use your hands as well as your mouth on her. Shave your stubble--nothing kills the mood quite like sandpaper on her sensitive parts.
Get wet. Many men have preconceived notions about the taste and or smell of their partner's genitals. If you're anxious about this, suggest a romantic bath or shower together and then go down on her. Getting naked and wet with each other is never a bad idea, and as you get more comfortable you will probably find that your partners taste and smell trigger more arousal than anything else. Some people use flavored lubricants, and many dental dams (great for safer sex) are flavored also.
Start slowly. Most women won't want to go from zero to oral sex in 30 seconds. Take your time and ease into it. Do other things you know she loves. Use your hands and mouth all over her body--which will nicely foreshadow what is to come. When she's good and excited--her hips are thrusting and the moans pretty regular, head south.
Get comfortable. This will be different for everyone, but both of you will enjoy this more if you're both comfortable. Use pillows and be creative with positioning so that you are both relaxed and feel like you can move around. Some people will find it hard on their neck to lie between their partners legs with their head poised over her vulva. For others this will work just great. Remember that it's okay to change positions and move around.
Get the lay of the land. If you don't have the body parts, you may want to brush up on your female genital anatomy. Most of the attention with cunnilingus is on the clitoris, but don't forget the rest of her body. But every woman is different, and there may be other parts of her that will take oral sex from the everyday to the out of this world. Use your fingers to spread her lips and take a good look at her clitoris, her labia, her mons, her vagina, her perineum and her anus.
When in doubt, go slow. A lot of women have very sensitive clits, so don't attack her vulva as if it were a juicy ripe peach. Flatten your tongue and use wide slow strokes to explore her inner and outer lips, her vagina, and her clitoris. Imagine licking an ice cream cone. Start at the perineum and lick up and around her clit and back down the other side.
Check the hood. Most women prefer to have their clitorises licked through the "clitoral hood". This is a fold of skin that covers the actual glans of the clitoris, which is extremely sensitive.
Experiment with different strokes. In general, women tend to like firm pressure and repetitive motion. Quick tongue flicks against the clitoris can be irritating. If you're not sure, ask her to give you feedback while you try different kinds of stroke--circular, side-to-side, up-and-down. Don't take it personally if she flinches--discovering what pleases is often a process of trial and error--just try something else.
Let her give you a hand. If you've ever seen her masturbate, you have some idea how she likes her clit to be touched. Ask her to show you how, or you can offer her your hand and ask her to demonstrate the kind of stroking she prefers by placing hers on top of yours.
Use your mouth. Take her clit in your mouth and gently suck on it. Use your mouth to suck on or nibble her labia.
Add penetration. When she's good and excited, add some lubricant to your fingers or toy and gently insert it into her vagina. Move them in and out using short but firm strokes. Put your mouth back on her clitoris and lick her while you penetrate her. This won't do it for all women, but many love the experience of clitoral stimulation and penetration.
Keep a steady pace, try not to stop. Women like steady stimulation, so don't stop unless you need to come up for air. You'll see the signs when she's getting ready to go over the top--her moans, her thighs pressing against your head, her body arching, her hands tightening on your head! When the orgasm washes over you, she'll let you know when to stop.

Tips:

Don't forget the rest of her body. In terms of what's nearby, you can incorporate the perineum and vaginal opening into your oral sex. Let your tongue travel down and pop in and out of the vagina occasionally.
If you are using a sex toy for penetration, she might prefer to work the dildo or vibrator inside her while you're licking. This allows you to concentrate, and her to get the rhythm she likes best.
If your mouth or tongue tires, give it a rest, but replace the stimulation with your hand or a vibrator (unless she wants a rest too).
It can take women longer to come than men, and many women are anxious about this. Whatever you do, don't make her feel bad about how long it's taking, and hang in there for the long haul. If you need to stop or change things up, that's okay, but don't make it about her "taking too long".
Have fun with it. It is fun to discover your woman's likes and dis-likes and when or if you master them can make her experience so much more pleasurable then ever. She may even "squirt" (female ejaculation) for you!

How to Achieve Male Multiple Orgasms

2006-06-22T10:39:00.000-07:00

How To Achieve Male Multiple Orgasms

The process of learning to have multiple orgasms for men is partly a matter of UN-learning beliefs about male orgasms and male sexual response. Because sexual response and orgasm tend to come easily for men, they rarely explore other options (if it ain't broke don't fix it). But there are plenty of reasons to check out what's under the hood, even if the engine is just fine. The key is to understand that orgasm and ejaculation are two separate experiences for men.

Here's How:

Breathing and male multiple orgasms.
If you haven't already learned about using your breath to explore your body, you may want to brush up on the importance of breathing for sexual exploration. For the exercises below you should be breathing deeply and focus on how your breathing changes as you go through sexual response, get turned on, build your sexual excitement, and experience climax, orgasm, and ejaculation.
Your PC muscle and male multiple orgasms.
Your PC muscle is the one you use to stop the flow of urine when you pee. Your PC muscle is also involved in the experience of orgasm and learning to use it helps in developing multi-orgasmic capacity. Find your PC muscle, and make sure you know what it feels like to squeeze and release it (called Kegel exercises ). If you've never done them before, learn about how do male Kegel exercises.
Discover your "point of no return".
This is the moment during sexual excitement after which ejaculation is inevitable. The best way to identify this is to masturbate and pay close attention just as you are about to ejaculate. You may notice a tingling feeling, which is the sign that you are about to hit your point of no return. Knowing what this feels like will help you know when to pull back from an orgasm.
Before you learn something new, take some time to understand your baseline.
The work here is simple and fun: pleasure yourself (masturbate) as you would regularly, and pay close attention.
- What things do you do to get turned on?
- What happens to your body and your breathing as you become even more stimulated?
- What does it feel like just before an orgasm? Just before you ejaculate?
- What happens to your body after orgasm?
Practice when alone, and when you have time to focus.
Learning to distinguish your orgasm from ejaculation takes time and a keen attention. Don't do these exercises when you have to rush off to work, or make dinner for your family. I would also recommend doing these exercises on your own at first. If you have someone else there, part of your attention will be on them.
Relax and tune into your body.
This process is all about awareness. As you begin the exercise get relaxed, you may want to get naked also, and try to tune into how your body feels in the moment. Run your hands up and down your body, and really feel your body. You can touch your genitals and any other part of your body that turns you on, but don't start masturbating right away.
Masturbate slowly, paying attention to changes in your body.
Now you can masturbate however you like to, but pay attention to the energy in your body.
- Are some parts of your body much warmer than others?
- Does the warm energy move up (or down) your body, or stay in one place?
- As you get closer to a climax how does the energy in your body change? Don�t bring yourself to orgasm or ejaculate yet.
Start and stop your stimulation, play with the point of no return.
If you feel yourself reaching the point of no return stop the stimulation and take some deep breaths. Once you've pulled back from the point you can begin to stimulate yourself again. Do this at least twice. Do this to get a more detailed sense of what your point of no return is like, and discover how you can control when you cross that point.
Use your PC muscle to pull back from the point of no return.
As you feel yourself coming closer to climax stop the stimulation as you have in the past, but this time squeeze your PC muscle and hold it for a few seconds. Notice how this feels. This is the technique you can use to prevent yourself from ejaculating and create the opportunity to have several orgasms in a row.
Use your breath to increase the orgasmic energy flow.
Having multiple orgasms is not just about using your PC muscle, it�s also about allowing the energy that usually flows out of you at the point of orgasm, to flow elsewhere in your body. When you're nearing the point of orgasm, notice the build up of energy (heat) in the lower part of your body, and begin to do deep breathing while visualizing the energy up towards your chest and head.
Let yourself go, see where it takes you.
The final stage of this exercise is to let yourself have an orgasm, while using the techniques learned above including breath, awareness, and squeezing your PC muscle. The first time you try this, let yourself orgasm, but squeeze your PC muscle just as you feel yourself going "over the top". It might not work the first time, but the worst that happens is that you've had an orgasm and you have to try again.
Use your breath, PC muscle, and awareness to orgasm without ejaculating. As you practice the last step above, you may find that you can get to the point of no return, pass it, and experience a tingly orgasm without ejaculating. Don't expect the orgasm to feel the same as an orgasm you have with ejaculating. Non-ejaculatory orgasms feel different, but they can be very pleasurable.

Tips:

The above steps are a very brief version of techniques that men have practiced for thousands of years.

1. Male multiple orgasms are associated with elements of spiritual sexuality. Certainly doing this work involves playing with your body's energy. If the spiritual part isn't for you, don't feel pressured to follow it. Based on your brain alone, your body is an amazing thing capable of experience intense and infinite pleasure. If you prefer to see this as a science experiment go for it!

2. The above instructions were written for men to practice this alone. But these exercises can be easily adapted for using with partners (and are great for anyone who has sex with men to know about).

Experimenting with temperature

2006-06-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

Heat it up, Cool it down - Experiment with Temperature

We tend to associate good sex with heat. We use terms like hot, steamy, scorching, searing (lots of "s" words) when describing memorable sex. On the other hand cold showers, cold shoulders, and cold hearts generally aren't associated with lustful pursuits.

As a rule, a good sex tip is one that turns a common assumption on its head. It's not that common sense doesn't always make good sense, but our sexual behaviors are so easily habituated, and we tend to find something we like and do it over and over until we're bored of it. We also tend not to think laterally about the sex we're having.

The lateral thinking, temperature controlled tip for this week is all about temperature.

The next time you're having sex, by yourself or with your partner(s), find some way to bring something cold and hot to bed.

That leftover bag of freezer burnt peas may not be good for eating anymore, but wrap it in a t-shirt and bring it into bed tonight. Or there's always the cinematic standby of ice cubes. You don't want to use the cold to shock your lover. Be sure to wait until things have hit a rhythm in the sex, and then gently touch a less sensitive part of your partner's body with the cold. Once they know what's coming, you can experiment heating things up with your bodies, and then cooling it down with a more sensitively placed cold touch.

To heat things up, you can explore everything from silicone toys or glass toys (both of which retain heat and warm up nicely if you soak them in hot water before using) to hot wax play. Be careful with the latter. Hot wax play can be exciting and intense, but it requires some thoughtfulness and knowledge. Get some good information, be sure to use candles that melt at a low temperature, and experiment on yourself first. Once you're ready to introduce it with a partner, start on less sensitive areas, and build up (or down) from there.

As always, have fun!

How To do Kegel Exercises (for women)

2006-06-19T11:37:00.000-07:00

How To do Kegel Exercises (for women)

Kegel exercises are designed to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles (also called your PC muscles ). Kegel exercises can be good for women who are experiencing incontinence (as a result of childbirth, medical treatment, or changes/stress on the body), and they have also been recommended as a way of changing how orgasms feel (some, but not all, women say it enhances their orgasms).

Here's How:

Start by locating your PC muscle.
Many people begin doing kegel exercises but are actually squeezing the wrong muscle. Before you start the exercises, find your PC muscle, make sure you know where your PC muscle is and what it feels like.
Squeezing kegel exercises: start slow, find your baseline.
The basic exercise can be done anytime and anywhere. Just squeeze your PC muscles as hard as you can, and hold them. This is doing a kegel exercise. Start by squeezing and holding for a count of 3-5 seconds, then release and relax for 5 seconds. When you release, notice how your muscles feel. The first time you do a kegel exercise see how many times you can do it before you feel your muscles getting tired.
Squeezing kegel exercises: use sets of repetitions
Your kegel exercises will be most efficient and have the most impact if you get into doing sets of repetitions of the squeezing. Once you've found your baseline, you can work from there. If you can, start with doing 5 repetitions (squeeze/hold/release). Judge for yourself how long you can hold the squeeze for, but don't push yourself too much at first.
Building up strength with kegel exercises.
Once you've found your baseline, do your exercises, and every couple of days increase both the length of time you hold the squeeze for, and the number of exercises per set. As a guideline, try to work up to a point where you can hold the squeeze for ten seconds and try to work up to doing ten reps of kegel exercises per set. So you squeeze, hold for ten second, release, relax for ten seconds, and repeat ten times.
Do your kegel exercises three or four times a day.
Try to take three or four times in the day to do kegel exercises. Again, everyone is different, but as a guideline try to do ten reps per session, holding for ten seconds on each exercise.
Vary the intensity and time in kegel exercises.
You can also try to vary the intensity of your squeezing and the amount of time you hold the squeeze in a set. Once you're comfortable that you're doing the exercises properly try a set where you do rapid squeeze and release. Experiment with how long you can comfortably hold a squeeze. Remember not to push yourself to the point of pain or discomfort.
Using products for resistance kegel exercises.
Some people will use a toy or kegel exercising device to add resistance to kegel exercises. This is not necessary, and while some sex educators suggest it increases the usefulness of the exercise, doing them on your own is still a great way to develop your PC muscle. If you are interested in purchasing a product for kegel exercises, make sure it isn't too large, as this may get in the way of kegel exercises more than it will help them.
Do kegels while masturbating and having partner sex.
Once you're comfortable, incorporate kegel exercises in your masturbation. Do them while you're getting warmed up, doing them before you have an orgasm, and even try to do them while having an orgasm. You may notice that kegels change the way your sexual excitement and your experience of orgasm feels.

Tips:

Isolate the PC muscle when doing your kegel exercises. At the beginning, remember to regularly check that you are exercising your PC muscle, and not other muscles. Avoid contracting your abdominal, thigh, or buttocks muscles. This is something many people do, but it reduces the effectiveness of the kegel exercise Concentrate on breathing and trying to keep yourself relaxed, and only tense the PC muscles you are using. Try not to tense up your whole body.
Finding time to do your kegel exercises. You don't need to set aside a big chunk of time to do kegel exercises. Do a few reps while waiting for a stop light to turn green. In the last ten minutes before lunch, when you're sitting at a desk, do a few reps. Do them while you're waiting for the movie to start, or a commercial break to be over.
Don't overdo your kegel exercises. Like any exercise, it's important to build up slowly, and pay attention to your body. If you are experiencing pain or discomfort, you are pushing yourself too hard. It is possible that you could strain the muscles and aggravate a current problem, when you are trying to resolve it.
Kegel exercise products can be fun and helpful but they aren't necessary. There are more and more products, often called "kegelcisors" on the market. While some of these can genuinely increase the strengthening exercises, and some of them double as fun sex toys, remember that they are not necessary. You don't need any special work out clothes or paraphernalia to do kegel exercises properly.

The Lessons of Divorce

2006-06-16T11:12:00.000-07:00

Divorce changes your life forever. It teaches you things about yourself that you would never have known otherwise.

I know this blog almost seems out of place amonst all this sex talk, but it is a subject that has been coming up alot recently so I felt the need to write a blog on it.

Divorce teaches you...

that you are capable of much more than you ever thought you were. that being strong is easy when you believe in yourself, and almost impossible when you don't.
that actions are much more important than words.
that children aren't blind to the problems of their parents.
that good friends are an invaluable source of strength.
that some friends are not worth keeping.
that money isn't the source of all happiness.
that forgiveness is a difficult and long process.
that anger is part of the healing process.
that being alone and single is far less painful than being married and lonely.
that love doesn't last forever.
that people change.
that nothing worth having comes easily.
that the price of infidelity can far exceed its pleasure.
that even spouses have their limits.
that one person cannot keep a marriage together.
that one person can break a marriage apart.
that lies and love don't mix.
that lust can destroy love.
that the legal system is not always fair.
that no matter how bad your life is, there is someone pretty close by whose life is far worse.
to use caution before you fall in love.
that emotional infidelity can be more dangerous than physical infidelity.
how much you never knew about the person you trusted with your life.
that waiting for someone else to change is pointless.
that if you want control of your life, you must take it instead of waiting for someone to give it to you.
that possessions are a poor substitute for love.
that hindsight isn't always 20/20.
to trust your instincts.
that ultimately it's all up to you.

Here is a quote that sums of my Divorce (sort of)

"...I accepted that nothing happens to me that I did not start or permit in some way. As I did all of this I accepted that the people that I would count as friends would become fewer and fewer, because the crazy folks don't find me to be fun any more. Then I came to like, respect, and love the one person that I can not live with out.........ME!"

Top 10 Ten Tips on Talking with Your Children about Sexuality

2006-06-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Ten Tips on Talking with Your Children about Sexuality

Here are ten ideas that might help you navigate the murky waters of talking with your kids about sexuality.

With sexuality, there are few right and wrong answers. It's important to communicate in a way that fits with

your own values and beliefs. It is equally true that giving your child honest, straightforward information

about sexual health is the best way to support them in having a healthy sexual life, including protecting them

from the experience of unwanted pregnancies and STDs.

1) Sex is a Lifelong Conversation

When talking to other parents I often get the sense that for them everything is building up to the "big sex

talk". The reality is that there is rarely just one conversation, more often there are thousands of small

moments of learning and teaching about sex. This means you get more than one chance to do it right. If you

feel like you screwed up a talk, don't worry, you'll get another chance next week, or next month. The

important thing is to keep the conversation open.

2) Know Your Comfort Level, Don't Force Yourself to Talk

Getting a sense of your own comfort is crucial. A well meaning parent who is uncomfortable talking with

their kids honestly about sex might inadvertently communicate negative messages about sexuality. Take time

to imagine conversations at different ages and stages in your child�s life. If you imagine these scenarios and

shudder, don't put yourself down for it. There are lots of things you can do to increase your comfort talking

about sex, including tips in this blog.

3) Clarify Your Own Sexual Values

Knowing how to talk to our children about sex is often complicated by the fact that few of us spend time

considering our own sexual values. Sexual values are the beliefs, priorities, prejudices, thoughts, and

feelings we have about sex, sexuality, and gender. Our sexual values will change over time and experience.

But knowing how we feel about key issues of sexuality can go a long way to communicating clear and

helpful information to our children.

4) Make it Okay for Your Kids to Ask About Sex

All children have questions about sex. When we don't give our children permission to ask questions or create

appropriate time and space for them to ask their questions, the questions come anyway, and they can come at

embarrassing or inconvenient times. If you are genuinely interested in raising sexually healthy children you

need to create an environment where they feel comfortable asking you questions.

5) Give Your Child Age Appropriate Sex Information

We all take in information differently at different times in our life, and too much good information is still

too much. Make sure to present your child with information that is appropriate for their age, and in a way

that they can understand, and that you don't give them more information than they're ready to hear. If you are

worried about what is age appropriate you may want to look for resources on sex education in your local

library or contact an organization like SIECUS .

6) Practice Talking About Sex with Others

The only way to get comfortable talking about sex is to talk about sex. The more you talk about sex, the

better you'll be at it. And this experience is transferable. If you get comfortable talking about sex with a

friend, or your partner, often that comfort level and self-confidence can help you when talking to your kids.

If you're comfortable, it can go a long way to putting your kids at ease too and you are modeling a behavior

you want to support them in.

7) Take the Time You Need to Talk About Sex

When we feel rushed to answer questions, our answers are often not as good as they could be. A way to

convey that sexuality is important to your children is to make sure that "sex talks" happen at a time when they

don't have to be rushed. This is also important as these talks can open up into unexpected other subjects.

Because sexuality is part of who we are, sex talks can lead to amazing sharing on other topics that seem

unrelated to sex.

8) It's Okay to Postpone, but don't Ignore

If you are shocked by a question, or get a question you don't know how to answer, it's okay to postpone the

answer. Don't use this as a way to avoid answering the question altogether, but if you've had a long day at

work and are rushing around trying to get the grocery shopping done, it's okay to tell you child that they need

to wait until the end of the day, or when you're at home and will feel more comfortable talking about it.

9) Don�t Try (or Pretend) to have all the Answers

Sexuality involves our bodies, minds, spirits, society, and more. There is no way you will ever have answers

to all your children's questions. Admitting this to your kids can teach them that no one has all the answers

(and that you are human like the rest of us), as well turn into a chance to help them learn where to find their

own answers (a trip to the library, or a previously checked-out, credible sexual health website might be in

order).

10) Know Your Boundaries and Teach Them

You are not your child's "buddy" or best friend. And you shouldn't feel like you have to answer every

personal question your child might ask you. Establishing boundaries for ourselves, the things we will and

won't talk about with strangers, family, friends, and eventually romantic partners, is an important

developmental stage, and you can model for your child by having clear boundaries about what you will and

will not discuss with them.

You child looks to you for advise, after all you are the child's parent. You should at least find out some information on answering questions and concerns about sex for your child's sake, so that you do not give them the worng information and it may lead to them to never trust you or to never come to you for advice again. Just use caution when talking about sex with your child and remember, this talk will come eventually.

What Men Want (a Guide For Women)

2006-06-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

What Men Want (a Guide For Women)

What do men want (from women)?

Women have been trying to answer this question for ages, and

shelves of self-help books try to resolve the differences between

men and women by considering we're from different planets.

Recently, in discussing the nature of humanity with a close friend, I

pointed out the "M" his hand made when he wrinkled up the palm of

his hand. In seeing this he jokingly came to the conclusion that

men really ARE from Mars! That idea worked fine, until a woman

overhearing our conversation exclaimed that "her hand made an

'M' too."

A recent poll said that the average person is willing to spend 6

months' salary to find their true love. Many women ask the

question "What do men want?" to their women friends and

sometimes they'll ask their guy friends. I've heard more than a few

women express that men are "animals" or just want one thing: SEX

(especially when dating). Yet, most women also know that when a

man is really serious about her, he'll wait to have sex with her.

Knowing this, and a few more keys to men, women can increase

their odds of success in their relationships with men. If women

would approach men with a few simple, effective guidelines, they'll

be much more likely to get exactly what they want from men: a

fulfilling, healthy, happy relationship.

Here are the guidelines:

1. Men want a fun and exciting (female) companion.

2. Men want great sex (consistent, frequent, and passionate

lovemaking score high with men).

3. Men want to share meals with their woman companion (especially

when she cooks for him).

4. Men want you to support them in their work and boost their

confidence.

5. Men want you to look great, keep in shape, and express

confidence about your body.

6. Men want you to listen to them and treat them with respect.

7. Men need private time, to unwind, to engage in sports and

hobbies, and to spend time with other men.

Women: in case you're not very thrilled with this list, that may be

because you were hoping I wrote the guidelines for "What Women

Want Men To Want," which, predictably, is a considerably different

list. For that, you'd have to see What Women Want (A Guide For

Men). But the idea is to understand men so that you might get along

better, right? Well, this guide works, trust me - it is proven and

tested.

You will note that this list of guidelines is far shorter than my list for

What Women Want. Why is this? Because men are more like dogs,

women more like cats. However, if you put a weighted scale on it,

you'd find more VALUE placed on each guideline than any of the

thirteen guidelines for What Women Want (A Guide for Men). So, if

you want to improve your relationship with the man you love or

want to love, then try these guidelines and see how they work for

your relationship improvement results.

1. Men want a fun and exciting companion. There are things that a

man will discuss with a woman if the level of communication and

trust has been established. Sharing activities can also be a healthy

way to build relationships. If women spend more time with men

sharing some activities each week they are likely to get along better

with the men in their lives.

2. Men want consistent, frequent, passionate sex. Men get turned

on by different things that a woman does. A woman wants to know

she's "the only one he loves" and that he digs her.   A man wants

his partner to be a bit of a lusty animal in bed - thus the high

subscription rate among men to Playboy and Penthouse. (Note:

the top 2 subscriptions among men are Playboy and Penthouse,

the top for women is Ladies Home Journal and Better Homes &

Garden). A woman that delivers in the bedroom will, more often

than not, get what she wants from her man - a dedicated lover. A

woman who is more vocal in bed, and carries the attitude that goes

with it, is likely to get a lot back from her man, as well. On the other

hand, a woman who is frigid and uses sex as a manipulation tool is

likely to receive games right back. The main thing isn't so much

experimentation though - please don't take this the wrong way. It is

about creativity, bonding, and emotional intimacy. Men bond

through being physically connected. The act of making love is how

a man feels that you love him. Withhold this, and you are

withholding your love, to a man. Men want to connect with the

physical act, because the act of release during sex is how a man

most feels connected to you. It is the "feeling of being connected"

he most seeks.

By the way, some men living by their animal instinct or Ego's rules

enjoy the conquest. We can help curb this tendency by being

aware and learning as much as possible about each other prior to

becoming physical. Women can help improve their sexual

relationships by offering some spice and also helping men

understand the importance of romance, ambience, and setting a

good mood (thus helping her meet her own need to "heat-up" first).

3. Men want to share meals with you, especially when you prepare

the meal. I personally enjoy cooking a meal together and going out

and enjoying a nice meal together. Do not expect a woman to cook

every meal for you, appreciate it when she does. It is also nice

when a woman appreciates when her man cooks for her. Women

who share their meals with their partner are improving the quality

time they spend together and building a better bond. A man who

expects his woman to cook every meal might improve his

relationship by offering to clean-up dishes or surprising his woman

with a home-cooked meal of his own. Many men just take their

women out to dinner to show their appreciation (thus, the reason

Mother's Day brunches are so expensive!). Communication about

the importance of cooperation and sha ring of all aspects of the

meal can help improve problems in this area.

4. Men want you to support them in their work and help boost their

confidence. Note: Women who understand men do not put them

down. Women who understand this ask men questions about their

career and let them know "you can do it, baby!" In return, women

will find their man equally supportive because she understands him

and does things to let him know she's a believer. Call it a case of

mutual admiration.

5. Men want you to look great. Some women call this the "trophy"

mentality. Just go to a sporting event (like a football game or

baseball game) and check out the player's wives and girlfriends.

They are often quite nice looking with top-shape bodies. Of course,

many of these women are also attracted to the "star" image or

athlete's physical body. Looking great does not mean you have to

look like these people. I point them out because of society's status,

but please consider our perspective of how we look more important

than a societal viewpoint of what looks best. Certainly, watching

weight, eating and drinking healthy food and water, and working out

a few times a week also has benefits to our own emotional, mental,

physical and spiritual health. It is important to love our body.

When we love our body, why shouldn't our partner love it, too?

Even if you are "working on it," sending loving thoughts to your

body will help you achieve physical goals and happiness more than

sending out negative thoughts. Our confidence is attractive to most

people, and it counts in looks, too. Confidence is sexy. And men

love sexy women. Why did Marilyn Monroe have such popularity?

Because she was sexy. So, do your best to look great, stay in

shape, dress attractively, and display a confident and sexy attitude.

Watch how much more attention you'll receive from the man in your

life.

6. Men want you to listen to them and treat them with respect. I've

recently heard a woman say that she felt men were not respecting

her, but then a few moments later used the phrase "well you men ..."

in her speech. This indicates a tendency towards negatively

judging men.   Sometimes, we get back what we give out, and what

we say to each other DOES matter. Instead, when we give love,

kindness, and respect, we will experience the law of abundance in

action. Men listen differently than women do. Women tend to nod

their head and make comments, such as "ah, uh-huh, wow, yes,

right" during conversation to indicate they are listening and

involved. Men tend to listen like a wall, quietly observing until the

other person finishes their statement. Being sensitive to this

difference in how men and women communicate (and adapting, as

appropriate) will improve communication between partners.

7. Men need you to give them private time to be left alone, to spend

on hobbies and sports, and to spend time with other men. Some

men need a few minutes to unwind when they walk in the door

before sharing the day's challenges. Some women need this

space, too, but I've noticed that most women prefer to launch into

the daily review, while men really just like a hug, a kiss, and then

some quiet space for a few minutes to unwind prior to reviewing the

day together. Do what works best for your relationship. I find that a

sincere and compassionately deep hug upon greeting is nice,

followed by a thirty-second kiss sometime in the next few minutes,

helps re-establish that "connected" feeling. Did I just say 30 second

kiss? Yes, I did. Why? Because a peck kiss does nothing to

establish nor maintain romance. It requires a longer kiss to do that.

So, use your kissing to your advantage and keep the passion alive

between you!

I remember a friend telling me about his girlfriend, how she tried to

be his "Ms. Right" by becoming the woman he wanted, rather than

developing some interests of her own. Perhaps, she'd be married

to this man, today, had she simply had some of her own interests

and creating abundant living in her own life. It can also be valuable

to take time apart, once in a while, to reinforce and remind each

other of your bond that hold you together. Perhaps, by not

spending too much time together, we may realize why someone

coined the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

I hope this advise works for you, it truly works for me and as I know

that not all men and woman are the same, this is merely a guidline

to help you acheive a bond that may last the test of time.

What women want (a guide for men)

2006-06-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

What do women want?

The epic struggle of mankind to figure out the inner workings of women is ages old. Even Sigmund Freud, the master of modern psychology, died trying to figure out women. It isn't easy.

I had a friend once joke with me that "men mostly want sex, woman want the right to be hypocritical, yet call men on their inconsistencies." Yikes. No wonder men and women have struggles getting along.

One reason why understanding women isn't such an easy thing is because the ways women process thoughts and emotions are drastically different than their male counterparts' ways of processing.

Studies indicate women use emotion to process thought as their basis for decision making 30% more than men do. As such, women are also known for being more intuitive than men. This is not exactly true, as men use intuition in different ways, and have different ways of communicating. Nevertheless, men tend to bond through shared activities, whereas women bond through sharing thoughts and feelings.

I've noticed that a woman will want to tell every little ounce of a story, where their male counterpart might be feeling like, "ok, what's the point?" A man typically seeks a solution to the problem, as if the story was a problem. Or, he's looking for a way to suggest something to help his woman improve, which is based upon competitive thinking (how men relate in conversation is much more competitive). In fact, a woman often is just relating this story to SHARE with him; there isn't anything competitive about it.

So what do women really want in a man? You want my take at it, here you go.

The top 6 things women want FROM MEN, in order, are:

1. Confidence (or Power)

2. Sense of humor (Fun)

3. Money or the things money can buy (Security)

4. Looks (Protection and Attraction)

5. A little bit of ""Bad boy" qualities (Mysterious and Independent/Strong)

6. All the other stuff they typically list (varies - sensitive, caring, etc.)

However, in interviewing countless women, and receiving numerous pointers from women. I must say that there is an expanded list for guys to get familiar with, according to women. So, what is the expanded list? Men can get what they want from women much more frequently when they approach women with a few simple - yet effective - guidelines:

1. Women want a man to be confident! Confidence is the number one quality women look for. Don't be wimpy. Don't apologize for everything. Be real. Be you.

2. Women go nuts over a man who will go the extra mile. For example, he opens the door for her, he walks on the right side of the street, he helps her shop. I'm talking about being a GENTLEMAN! If she is cold, offer her your jacket. If she is in trouble, protect her. If there is danger, put your arm around her. Be a real man.

3. A sense of humor. Women love a man who can make her laugh. If you are dull, you are boring. If you make a woman laugh, you're halfway home. Take a chance, be real, but be funny.

4. Women want a man to listen to them (yes, even to the gripes and details of all the craziness) and not necessarily give advice. Many women love to complain about their problems; however, they complain not to receive advice, but merely to sound off. I know it's hard to nod and be supportive, because you want to watch ESPN or do something that to you may seem more exciting, but the fact is, your woman will go to the ends of the earth to love you when you truly listen to them and acknowledge their needs. You need to understand that women need to VENT. Allow her this, and she'll allow you in. Nod. Get involved and provide active listening feedback. Be truly interested in what she is saying without worrying about what you're going to say next. Then, watch what happens as your woman opens up to you more.

Women want men to listen to them, because they have a need to be heard. And, women want their man to express his feelings and trust her with his intimate side. Real listening, with real intimacy, is rare. Real listening is suspending thinking about what to say and being deeply engaged in what she is talking about. Listening requires actively paying attention -- shutting off the chatter mind.

5. Women want to be treated like they are the sexiest woman on the planet and that no other woman compares. Talking about your ex-girlfriends is not going to score big points with your new woman. Treating her like she's the ONLY one will make her smile for quite a while.

6. Women want to know you will be faithful. Don't tell a woman how you cheated on your ex. It won't make her think you are wise, loyal, or trustworthy. I'm not saying to lie to her -- just don't go there. Don't cheat on your woman. She will not think you are a better man for doing this. Just like you want to think you are the only man she's ever loved, well, that's the thing she wants, too. The key to faithfulness comes from your own inner character. Be a man of character and you will reap a relationship built upon trust. You gain respect through consistent committed action. Respect backed up by love builds trust, trust builds a strong relationship that can stand the tests of life and time.

7. Women SAY they want a sensitive man. Truth is, if you go around apologizing all the time and crying frequently then a woman will abuse you. Trust me, it is NOT wise to do. This was well exemplified during the beach scene in the movie Bedazzled, where the main character in the film was trying to woo his love interest, his advice had been to "be more sensitive." Well, he went so overboard, was so sensitive, that his love interest ended up walking away with another dude with the assumption that they'd have meaningless conversation and casual sex! Boy was HE surprised! Being overly sensitive is a quick way to get shown the door. It is important to strike a balance. Be strong, be there, yet share your emotions. Speak up and be real. Let them know you care. But don't be a sissy.

Women say they want to be treated like an equal. This is not true. Women want to be treated like a WOMAN. Not like a man. If she wanted to be with a woman, sh''d do that. She wants to be with YOU. Therefore, be a MAN. This is not to be confused with being treated like a piece of property, not to be confused with being treated with disrespect. Women want to be respected! A woman wants to be respected for being feminine, being a woman. Women are quite different from men. A man who takes the time to understand the difference is a wise man. Bottom line here: NO MORE Mr. NICE GUY. Be a REAL MAN, not a sensitive NICE GUY. Because the nice guys usually do finish last.

You still don't get it? Ok, then try this: be your own bad self. I will say that some women are attracted to "Bad Boys".

I think there is a certain ruggedness to the bad boy - they break rules, they sometimes behave rudely. But the true gentleman always remembers what matters most. Have an air of mystique, but definitely be you. If, on occasion, that means doing what you want, rather than what she wants, then do it. Just don't make a continual habit of it - that's rude.

8. Women LOVE a man with a plan. Women love men with ambition. Men who know who they are, what we're doing tonight, and what we're doing with our life. If you don't have a plan, get one. Have a plan and be ready at all times, so that no matter what, it will appear that you're fairly spontaneous, but reality is you usually know where, when, and how the evening or date could go. In dating, it is extremely important that you have a plan when you ask a woman out. They will judge your sense of confidence by how well you have thought out where you will take her and what you will do together. So, think ahead, have a plan, then work that plan. While yo''re at it make sure you have an alternative plan, too, in case she doesn't like the first one!

It is equally important for a man to know when to call a woman's bluff and let her know when she is pushing his limits. A man who just falls over and laps at his woman's feet is a man who is called "whipped" for a reason. An example is as follows: she asks, "what do you want to do tonight," he says, "whatever you want to do." If this is his consistent pattern, he's whipped. She won't respect him in the end.

9. Give the woman in your life gifts. Like the Chairman of the Board, Ol' Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra, used to say, "you gotta gift 'em." Well, I figure good enough for Frank, good enough for other men. After all, Frank was a MASTER SWOONER. Guys, get this: Frank Sinatra went to Hollywood with a plan to take a lengthy list of top actresses in his movie studio to bed at some point during his career. As the story goes, he pretty much succeeded. Some women will frown when they read this - but guy, I know what you're thinking: "who did Frank get together with?" Well, how about Gina Lollobrigida and Ava Gardner, for starters (I believe it was Angie Dickinson who claimed to abstain). That's like saying Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, and Charlize Theron to today's younger actor. So, maybe giving a gift once in a while isn't such a bad idea. Just don't go broke trying to impress h er! After all, Frank Sinatra also had a stellar voice, plenty of swagger, and loads of star power to go with his ability to buy a gift or two. Nevertheless, small gifts, especially gifts that show you were listening when she mentioned her favorite candy bar, or when she stopped at that jewelry counter to admire those earrings (but put them back without buying them), or how she commented on how she'd just love that dress in the window of that snazzy clothing store. Well, use your own imagination. But if you don't gift the woman in your life you'll probably be referred to by the woman you love as "cheapskate".

Now, "why," you ask, "do women care about gifts?" Good question. The answer is that one way women relate is through giving gifts - especially when you've paid attention to what they want. Women will gift exchange compliments with each other, too. So just trust me and surprise her with a gift every now and then and see if she doesn't respond favorably.

10. Be a true friend. Let her share her good times and problems with you. Be there, rather than just promising to be there. Consistent committed positive action is a definition of love. How do you show you are a friend? Are you there when it matters most? Are you there for the small stuff, too?

11. Women want to be loved, despite their flaws, and need to be satisfied mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as much as physically. Unconditional love would be ideal love. How can you love a woman without judgment, conditions, or rules? How would you like to be loved?

Sexually speaking, women define great sex differently than men, using words like soft candlelight, light touch, then becoming more aggressive as their mood rises to the occasion. A man, on the other hand, instantly rises to the occasion. Women want men to be their lover instead of obsessing over their body to just get sex. Rather than treat women as sex objects, treat them as someone to relate with; in other words, a real person! That means taking your time, showing extra attention, and being tender in ways with her to let her know she is special.

12. Women appreciate a man who is creative. Roses are nice. But sometimes it is extra special to think of something that most guys wouldn't do for a woman. It could be something frivolous, but if it is something that you think SHE would like, then why not do it? You might have just made her day.

13. Women want a sense of security, to know that her partner will be there if she becomes sick or when she grows old or flabby. Giving a woman security is being there through emotional and physical support. An example might be if she has to have surgery. Take the day off and be there for her, hold her hand, and give your full support to her. In other words, postpone that "tee time"! Security comes from trust. Again, this is about being able to rely in your strength of character.

Knowing these 13 traits,,how can men better relate to women?

First, men need to develop ways of listening more like how women listen to each other. Women nod and say "aha, wow, yes, uh-huh" much more than men do. Men listen more quietly when they speak, and consider such mannerisms as an interruption. Men may improve their chances if they are interactive in conversation. Relate to them. Carry on the story with the extra question.

Men also need to cut the cheesy lines and just be genuine. An example might be how a man interacts with a woman in a bar scene. Instead of approaching her with some line like "your mother must be beautiful - just look at you," a man can be more genuine: "Nice restaurant, do you like the food here?" would be a much better approach.

If you are going to compliment a woman, pay attention to how women compliment each other. Good examples include: new hairstyles, jewelry, sense of style, great laugh. Poor examples would be her boobs, butt, or other body parts. Again, that makes her feel like a sex object or piece of meat. Relate and get the story behind that bracelet she's wearing. Use "props" properly and you'll get positive proposition results!

One challenge men have is the tendency to see a woman as his personal sex toy. This is a real problem between men and women. He really needs to put aside the sex issue and consider the deeper issues: how does he feel with her? Does she make him laugh? Do they share common dreams and goals? When a man stops worrying about when or how he will get a woman in bed, the odds for a successful relationship improve dramatically.

Men need to appreciate a women for the effort she goes through to be beautiful for him. A woman does not have to be a size 6 or have perfectly toned muscles or large breasts to be a beautiful woman. It is important for women to love their body (flaws and all), as this attitude creates confidence in herself -- which is practically an aphrodisiac to a man. Appreciating what women go through is a way to develop gratitude. An "attitude of gratitude" goes a long way to improving a relationship. He can compliment her and let her know she is beautiful to him and that she is "perfect" to him.

Last, men need to share in the responsibility of building a good relationship. Helping make each day fun; living on purpose with aspirations, sharing the good times, and taking on the crazy challenges life can present, is what makes relationships worthwhile.

How To Take Erotic Photographs

2006-06-11T05:25:00.000-07:00

How To Take Erotic Photographs

Have you ever imagined yourself being the model in a sexy photograph? For many individuals and couples, the idea of taking erotic photos is something they have fantasized about but are not quite sure how to go about doing. Here are some practical, hands-on tips to capture that spark through the lens of your camera.

Here's How:

Use a camera you are comfortable with.
You don't have to have any fancy camera equipment. You can do this with an automatic, manual, digital, Polaroid or disposable camera. Use whatever camera you are comfortable with so you don't have to worry about the technical aspects on top of everything else.
Digital & Polariod Cameras are a great way to guarantee privacy.
In addition to the technical advantages of a digital camera, the main plus is privacy. It isn't recommended to take erotic photos to a photo-finishing store unless you have checked with them ahead of time.
Many photo stores that work with professional photographers and artists are comfortable processing erotic images.
If you don't know the store well, you could run into problems with extra copies being made without your knowledge or an overzealous employee or owner calling the authorities (depending, of course, on the content of the photos).
Plan ahead, and plan together.
Whether this is with a partner, lover or a friend, spend some time planning out the photo shoot. Ask each other questions about who will be taking the photos and who will be posing. Find out what parts of the body the person modeling really loves and what parts they might not like to see in the photos. Share ideas about clothing and props you may like to use. Look at books of erotic photos together or search online for websites with artistic nudes.
Consider a Model Release form.
Even when photographing friends, partners or lovers, situations and people's memories can change overtime. A form can help structure a conversation about expectations and will ensure trust and confidence around the experience. Outline the terms of the photo shoot with the name of photographer, date, what the photos will be used for, any payment (e.g. an 8x10 print or breakfast in bed), and then finally, a signature from the person who is modeling.
Setting the mood.
This is the fun part of the shoot. Choose a variety of lighting to experiment with, burn some incense and put on some sexy music to set the scene. Turn off the phone and give yourself a few hours with your partner, lover or friend to explore your fantasies with a camera.
Start off with one idea.
You may have developed several scenarios or ideas during the planning stage. Lay out the various props and clothing that you would like to play with and start with one idea. Avoid moving quickly from one idea to the next, give each idea time to take hold, and if it isn't working, then move on.
Consider your models comfort level.
Sometimes, it is nice to start off with more clothes on and then have the person modeling, slowly undress throughout the photo shoot. If they have never done this before, it can feel comfortable to do it in stages.
Don't feel like you need to be static.
Many of us have an image of photography as people sitting very still. Forget that cliche'. The model can try out different poses, sitting, lying down, standing up, leaning, crouching, and moving their body in different ways that feels comfortable for them. The photographer can also move around them to take photos from different angles and perspectives.
Debrief after the shoot.
After the photo shoot, you can view the images together and share the parts that you love and the parts you might want to do differently next time. If a photo doesn't come out the way you wanted it to, just make a note of what you did and you can try something new next time.
Journal your experiences.
Some people like to keep journals of their experience. If it's possible to journal right after the photo shoot you may remember things that you'll forget by the time you meet up with the model. Pay as much attention to what felt right as to the things you think you �did� right. Remember there is no right or wrong way to take erotic photos. It is all about experimenting and exploring your desires and creativity with someone else.

Have Fun taking and posing for the photos.......I always do!

How To Talk Dirty

2006-06-08T06:48:00.000-07:00

How To Talk Dirty

Talking dirty to the one you love (or even just the one you�re with) is one of those sexual behaviors people are uncomfortable with the first time they do it, and the first time they do it with a new partner. To do it well means letting loose and exposing yourself, which always feels scary the first time. Here are some steps to getting comfortable with dirty talk, and ideas for introducing into your sex play.

Here's How:

Be authentic in your dirty talk.
Dirty talk can feel silly if you expect it to be what you�ve seen in the movies. You might have this idea that dirty talk is something specific. But good dirty talk is completely what you make it, and to do it well, you have to be yourself. While you may take on a role in your dirty talk (e.g. the ravished submissive) you need to find something of yourself in the role. Make a list of different aspects of your personality you can draw on for inspiration.
Find your dirty talk voice.
You need to find your own way of talking dirty. Your dirty talk might be low rhythmic grunts, high pitched squeals, or precise whispers. It might reflect the way you talk in your daily life, or it might express a different aspect of your personality. You don�t need to pick only one voice, the element of surprise can add an extra sense of anticipation, when your partner doesn�t know what they�re going to get an earful of next!
Expand your dirty talk vocabulary.
Most of us are raised not to swear. Dirty talk is your opportunity to pull out all the stops on the foul mouth express. Unless you�re role playing calls for it, avoid clinical terms (like penis). If you�re at a loss, do some research. Both of the books recommended below have lists of words. But you can do research online, by reading some raunchy erotica, or in some cases watching porn (although the dirty talk in porn tends to be unimaginative).
Practice dirty talk when you're alone.
Carol Queen, author of the highly recommended Exhibitionism for the Shy, suggests starting on your own, talking dirty while you masturbate. Fantasize about having sex with your partner and talking dirty to them. You can start by doing it in your head, but eventually do it out loud.
Establish ground rules with your partner.
One of the reasons many of us don�t talk dirty is fear of sounding ridiculous, or being put down or rejected by a partner. It�s important to set some rules when you�re willing to take risks like this. Rules like no laughing at one another, and no judgment are important. In the heat of the moment anything can come out of your mouth, and you need to know that your partner is respectful of the ways that can be exposing.
Start slow the first time.
Don�t feel you have to rush right into elaborate verbal gymnastics. A great way to start with dirty talk is to describe out loud what is happening during sex. Things like �I love the way your hand feels in my�.� Or �Your �feels so good on/in my�� Describe what�s happening and how it feels in your body. You can also experiment by telling your partner something you�re going to do to them, or something you want them to do to you.
Experiment with your voice.
Most of us take for granted all the different things we can do with our voice, and the impact these changes have. Experiment with speed, how fast you talk. Some things call for a staccato barrage, while some things are best said slowly. Change the volume of your voice, try whispering, try screaming, try everything in the middle. Also play with the tenor of your voice. You can sound commanding and harsh, trembling and uncertain, and everywhere in between.
Make dirty talking a two way conversation.
Once you�ve taken the risk and initiated talking dirty with your partner, ask them to do the same. It isn�t for everyone, and you might find that you like doing it more than hearing it (or vice versa). But being on the receiving and the giving end of dirty talk can give you a different perspective on it, plus you may learn a few things from your partner you didn�t already know

New Pictures soon I promise

2006-03-22T06:35:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,

Sorry it has been awhile since I posted a blog, things have been a bit hectic in my life and I will try to get back on track with my blog posting. I have had a few people ask me what happened to the girl/girl play pictures......let me explain what happened. I put the pictures up and I apparently didn't block out my ex-girl friend's face, which I didn't even know her face was in the pictures, anyway,,,,she called me ranting & raving all kinds of pissed off at me (and she has every right), so to keep the peace, since she is married to my hubby's friend, I removed every picture containing her & her body. So I know I have to get more girl/girl play pictures and take some new sexy ones. I just started a new job, so once I have some money saved I am going to a great local photographer that only charges $250 for 150 pictures and he does an excellent job, if you want to check him out his link is http://www.onemodelplace.com/photographer_list.cfm?p_id=6002

So, there should be some juicy, nice, sweet new pictures soon I promise. As for the girl/girl play pictures,,,,,recently we haven't played with any couples where the woman was Bi.....so sad. So when I get the chance and have a willing woman to be photographed, you will get your girl/girl pictures. Have a great week!!!!!!

PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

2006-03-10T06:37:00.000-08:00

PUTTING ALL MY BLOGS TOGETHER SO TO SAY

Introduction

Do you like sex? I certainly do. I love how close sex can bring me to someone I care about, and I love how it can deepen my understanding and appreciation of that person. I love how much healthy pleasure it brings into my life. I love how sex can bring me to delightful altered states of consciousness, and I love the feelings of acceptance and contentment and trust it can create in me and my partner.

In fact, I love sex so much I've made a hobby of learning more about it. This blog is going to share some of the insights I've gained as I've grown in my understanding of this fascinating and wonderful aspect of human experience.

Some Thoughts on Pleasure...

Most sex guides concentrate on "technique" - this position, that stroke, those toys. We'll get to these matters later on, but for a moment I want you to think back on your sexual history and replay in your mind one of your favorite sexual experiences. What were the key elements of this experience that made it so good for you? I'm actually willing to bet that the key elements didn't have much to do with technique at all, and had more to do with passion and energy.

Don't you find it wonderful when a lover is really into what you two are doing together, and he or she seems actively, passionately, and completely absorbed in the pleasure you two are creating? Isn't it great when he or she is experiencing deep, overwhelming delight and directing that energy and appreciation back at you? It's a profound irony that one of the most effective things you can do to become a better lover is to learn to appreciate pleasure even more, but in my experience it's true. In my opinion, the three most important elements to becoming a better lover are learning to feel, choosing what pleases you, and empathy.

Learning to Feel

This skill consists of learning to value and sink into physical pleasure. It amounts to letting your world be the pleasurable sensations you are experiencing, rather than letting your world be intellectual thoughts or self-criticism.

Find some time in your home or apartment when you won't be disturbed. Then, set up your space in the most pleasurable and relaxing way you can. Dim the lights and light candles, if you wish. Put on your favorite music, and maybe burn some incense you enjoy. Create a place where you can sit in complete comfort. If you usually masturbate with a vibrator, plug it in and leave it in an accessible location.

Now take a hot bath, hopefully with your bathroom also lit by candles. Try to let your entire awareness consist of feeling the hot water against your skin. Try to let your mind feel your entire body, and all of your skin, at once (this can be arousing in and of itself). After a while towel off, put on a bathrobe, and make your way back to the space you set up.

The goal of what follows is to see just HOW comfortable, sensual, and relaxed you can feel. If you notice anything that intrudes on your comfort or pleasure, change it. When the time seems right, move into self-pleasuring. Touch your body in whatever ways feel good, whether sexual or not. Let your awareness rest solely on your body and how it feels. If you choose to masturbate, be exquisitely aware of how you feel up to and possibly through your orgasm.

The whole point of this exercise is to practice valuing and experiencing pleasure. Since masturbation is a perfectly legitimate form of sexuality (it's sex, just "sex for one"), if you don't have a partner and aren't interested in finding one you can stop here. But if you do have a partner, moving into better sex with him or her is now only a question of honest communication and empathy.

Choosing What Pleases You

You already know how to make yourself feel good through self-pleasuring. In theory, sex with a partner could feel this good too. Often, what holds us back are concerns about what our partner would think if we were to offer suggestions; therefore, instead of "Oh wow that feels good oh yeah oh yeah," what goes through our mind is "That would feel so much better if it were just a bit to the right," or "God, I wish he would have kept doing that," etc. This is a pity, as most people like to see their partners experience pleasure and would happily go along with whatever sort of advice they might have to offer.

The best way to get rid of bad habits is to replace them with new ones. So, this exercise needs to be done with a partner. Tell him or her that you're trying to undo some bad habits, and ask if he or she would be willing to make love to you with the understanding that you're going to speak up every time you can think of a way in which what is happening could feel better to you. I've called this section "Choosing What Pleases You," but another way of putting it would be "Endure Nothing." Putting up with something that doesn't feel good just because you're hoping it will be over soon verges on outright dishonesty, and doesn't help either of you. In any case, play around with this exercise until you feel comfortable asking for what you want.

By the way, when you get together with a new partner for the first time, I think it's helpful to take some of the pressure off by saying something along the lines of "Mmmm.... Honey, I want you to have a really good time tonight. While I'm getting to know what you like just let me know any time you can think of a way what we're doing could feel better."

Empathy

The above two skills may help you feel a lot more sexually nurtured, and from this space it's usually natural to want to reflect pleasure and energy back to your partner.

When pleasuring your partner, try to get inside their head and imagine what they would like. As you gain experience with them, you can eventually learn what they like (everyone is a little different, after all). The ultimate goal is to be able to key your arousal into theirs, so the more turned on they get the more turned on you get. In my opinion, the easiest way to reach this place is to imagine YOU are experiencing whatever you are doing to THEM.

As a thought experiment, imagine someone is performing oral sex on you. For a few seconds, imagine that they're going through the motions purely mechanically. Then, imagine exactly the same technique done by someone who is obviously aroused, ecstatic with pleasure, and possibly masturbating while they're pleasuring you. Makes a difference, doesn't it? Like "learning to feel" and "choosing what pleases you," empathy is a win-win situation.

Creating an Inviting Space for Your Lover(s)

Taking the time to make your space inviting is a good way to let someone know you appreciate them and value having sex with them. Sex is almost always better by candlelight. Turning off the ringers on your phones or pagers is another nice touch, as is setting a nice CD on repeat play. Keeping a towel, a bottle of water, and maybe a warm wet washcloth handy is also a good idea. Keep the room temperature on the warm side.

Another thoughtful thing you can do is keep everything you need within easy reach, so you don't have to interrupt sex while you fumble around for your lube, a soft mitten, a condom, or whatever. Laying out the things you might use or else keeping them all in a drawer by your bed (being sure you can identify everything by touch) will go a long way towards helping you and your partner feel better about both toys and any safer sex precautions you deem necessary.

Expanding Your Definition of Sex

This can be quite liberating. Spend an evening kissing passionately and running your hands over each other, and call it sex. Spend an evening giving each other erotic massage and (whether or not anyone had an orgasm) call it sex. Spend an evening blindfolding your lover and running various tantalizing objects over his or her skin, and call it sex.

The point is that nobody is served by getting "goal oriented" about something that's supposed to be fun. Sex is just how adults play and have a good time together, and you'll probably have a better time the more you think of it that way.

Keeping Lube Handy

A basic part of every sex-positive person's toy collection is a bottle of water-based lube (WITHOUT Nonoxynol-9, for the sake of people who are sensitive or allergic to it). Popular brands include Astroglide, Liquid Silk, I-D, and ForPlay. Some sort of lube is necessary for anal penetration (as the anus doesn't lubricate itself), and additional lube usually makes vaginal penetration feel better too. Using adequate lube is especially important when latex gloves or latex condoms are being used, and it should be reapplied whenever necessary.

Recently two new lubes based on silicone rather than water, Wet "Platinum" and I-D "Millenium", have hit the market. The women I've talked to so far haven't liked the way they feel when used vaginally; these lubes' primary value seems to be for having sex in hot tubs (they can be used underwater, unlike everything else on the market) and for playing with men's genitals.

Oil-based lubes, such as vegetable oils, Vaseline, Crisco, and most lotions, are incompatible with latex condoms and break them down in short order (though there is still some debate about whether it's OK to use oil-based lubes with latex gloves for reasonable periods of time). Oil-based lubes should be fine for masturbating men, and are usually preferred if they're an option.

Male and Female Arousal Patterns

It seems to be a fact of life that, on the average, women take longer to become aroused than men (though women are often able to experience deep, multiple orgasms without the refractory period that men go through, so I suppose it's only fair...). Having intercourse before full arousal rarely feels good for women. For many male/female couples, the best approach may be to enjoy a lot of foreplay followed by a lot of cunnilingus (or something similarly pleasurable) before engaging in intercourse.

It is much more common for women to be pre-orgasmic (i.e. to have never experienced an orgasm) than it is for men. A good thing to buy, if you are a pre-orgasmic woman, is a plug-in vibrator such as a Hitachi Magic Wand. The key thing is just to have fun, without being too goal-oriented.

Stimulating the G-Spot or Prostate Gland

Most sexually active people today are aware of the clitoris and its role in female pleasure; similarly, most sexually active people today are aware of the penis and its role in male pleasure. Knowledge about the female G-spot (the area of the vagina adjacent to the urethral sponge) and the male prostate gland is less common, however.

Basically, many women (once they are fairly aroused and possibly have had an orally-induced clitoral orgasm or two) find that it feels good if someone puts their first two fingers an inch or two into their vagina (to just beyond the pubic bone) and presses gently but deeply towards their belly with a circular or "come to me" motion. This tissue can feel ridged, and as arousal increases you may be able to feel the urethral sponge itself through the vaginal wall as it swells. G-spot pleasure can be very deep and intense, and if continued can often be a source of multiple orgasms. It can also feel good to make the circular motions with one's first two fingers into her G-spot while massaging her clitoris with the thumb of the same hand, or to repeatedly rotate the two fingers (farther in, keeping the pressure even all the way around the vagina) to integrate the sensations. G-spot stimulation sometimes results in female ejaculation. It has been fairly conclusively demonstrated that female ejaculate is not urine, but if you're still concerned about it just put a towel down on the bed before starting to play.

An identical game can be played with men, except that you use one or two fingers inside the anus rather than the vagina. The structure one is pressing into is called the "prostate gland," and some men find it feels especially good to have this structure stimulated while their penis is being stroked. It's found a few inches inside the anus towards the stomach, and often feels like a firm bulge. If you're worried about hygiene, just put on a latex glove before inserting your fingers (and don't forget to use some water-based lube for his comfort).

Be sure to clip your fingernails quite short before doing any of these two types of penetration. If you must have longer fingernails for fashion reasons, pack some cotton balls around your fingernails and then put a latex glove.

Since G-spot or prostate play often makes people feel as if they have to go to the bathroom (whether or not they really do), it's a good idea for them to actually use the bathroom just beforehand. Then they won't have to worry about whether these sensations are caused by anything "real," and they can just lie back and enjoy it.

Using Your PC Muscle

The pubococcygeus (PC) muscle supports the genital organs in both men and women. Toning it can enhance the quality of your orgasms as well as yielding several other positive benefits. Basically, the next time you pee notice what muscles you use when you stop the flow of urine. Once you've identified this muscle and what it feels like to contract it, you should be able to consciously and repeatedly contract it, hold the contraction for a second or two, and then relax it. These exercises are called "Kegel" exercises, and doing them (for both men and women) will tone the PC muscle.

For both men and women, contracting the PC muscle while having sex can feel good to the other partner and enhance your own arousal level. For men, contracting the PC muscle just before orgasm (and tightening the buttocks) can help avoid an ejaculatory orgasm; some men also find that squeezing their PC muscle during orgasm enhances their sexual pleasure.

Experimenting with Male Multiple Orgasms

Since sex feels nice and (especially for women) often feels nicer the longer it goes on, it seems natural that some men would want to figure out how to prolong it. Obviously, one option is to spend a lot of time getting your partner off orally or manually or with a vibrator before switching to intercourse. But instead of or in addition to this, techniques have been developed by some men to approximate the multiple orgasms which women often seem to have so easily:

Learn (through masturbation just to the point of ejaculatory inevitability) exactly how your body responds and feels just before you ejaculate. Then, while having sex, slow down or change the stimulation you are receiving so you don't go beyond this point. This can feel like a mini-orgasm, except that you don't ejaculate. After a while, continue whatever you were doing. If your partner is fucking, fellating, or masturbating you it might be valuable to work out some sort of signal (such as pulling your hips away) so you don't go "over the edge."
Use a variety of "Taoist" techniques (which include PC muscle contraction and some other things) to achieve fuller orgasms without ejaculation. Read The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Chia Mantak for details.

In general, the longer you can put off your orgasm the stronger it will ultimately be. Again, a big part of all this is not seeing orgasm as the goal of sex; enjoy the sensations throughout your body, whatever they may be, whether or not they lead to orgasm or even erection.

Heating Things up with Erotic Talk

Most people love hearing nice things about themselves, and they usually love being told when something they do for you feels especially good. If you know what your partner's favorite fantasies are, it's also fun to incorporate them into whispered "hot talk" during sex. Carol Queen's book Exhibitionism for the Shy is especially good if you want to learn more about this sort of thing.

Erotic Massage

Erotic massage is a wonderful way to give to your partner and to raise sexual energy in a completely safe manner. It is discussed at length in this document on this web site.

"Tantric" Sex

In the West, "Tantra" is used as a catchall word that refers to many different types of eroticism with spiritual components. These sexual practices typically involve ritual preparation and consecration of the space, energetic exercises designed to connect the participants with each other, and some sort of ritual sexuality combined with meditation and/or visualization. For men, ejaculation is typically deemphasized in favor of non-ejaculatory "energy" orgasms.

This is a big topic, and you would probably want to do a bit of reading if you're curious about it. However, there are several simple techniques you can try which will probably enhance your existing form of making love.

Without a doubt, the single most powerful thing you can do while making love to increase your sense of spiritual connection with your partner is to initiate and maintain eye contact. To augment this, try breathing in unison deeply and rhythmicly (the "bliss breath," a form synchronized breathing which includes sipping in air through the mouth and immediately making a sharp vocal exhalation by mouth, can also be quite powerful). To get even higher, make love in a face to face position and form a heart connection by each of you placing your right hand over the other's heart and placing your left hand over the other's right hand.

Some mystics believe that concentrating on a particular result you want right at the moment of orgasm (or else in the "afterglow" immediately following one) can increase the chance this result actually occurring. For men, this technique is claimed to work well even if the orgasm is a non-ejaculatory one.

Exploring BDSM

Depending on the interests of the participants, BDSM play can include role playing (e.g. one of you is at the command of the other during the course of the evening), bondage of some kind, and/or sensation play (spanking, scratching, pinching, hair pulling, flogging, teasing, etc.).

If you and your partner(s) want to experiment with any sort of play where one of you wants to pretend to resist or to pretend not to like what is happening, it's a good idea to use a "safeword." This is a special word (actually, the word "safeword" itself is a good choice) that when used causes play to immediately cease until both participants are ready to go ahead again. It prevents confusion between "No, please don't!" as an erotic thing to say and "No, please don't!" as a request that should be taken literally in order for the "scene" to remain consensual. In general, good communication skills, such as the ability to talk about ("negotiate") a scene with your partner ahead of time, are important elements in determining the quality of your mutual experience with BDSM.

If you're going to be doing bondage with anything more complicated than non-constricting padded leather cuffs attached to someone lying on a bed, or plan on doing any sort of sensation play much more serious than spanking, it's a good idea to read a book or two on BDSM technique so you can learn how to do what you want to do with skill and grace while staying aware of any necessary safety precautions.

Role playing, especially the type of role-playing where one of you offers to do whatever the other requests for a set period of time, can be quite sexually empowering for both participants. For the person being served, it can be a wonderful exercise in learning to ask for what you want (see "Choosing What Pleases You"); since your partner has already agreed to do what you ask for (within reason, or with possible exceptions that they articulated), it should be easier to indulge in exactly what you want without guilt. For the person serving, it can be a wonderful exercise in learning to look out for another person's needs and desires (see "Empathy"); it can also be a tremendous liberation from the stresses of work and responsibility to have only simple (and possibly erotic) jobs to do, which are clearly articulated to you by someone you care for.

Many couples enjoy consensually restraining or pinning each other down, then possibly blindfolding the restrainee before he or she gets played with, spanked, or fucked. Especially when playing this way for the first time, a "safeword" would probably be in order and it would probably be a good idea to talk about ("negotiate") the scene ahead of time. Being restrained and blindfolded for long periods of time can provoke altered states of consciousness; since this can be psychologically potent stuff, be prepared (as you should be with sex in general, actually) to call things off and listen non-judgmentally to what your partner has to say if difficult emotional issues come up for him or her.

Sensation play, which runs the gamut from brushing feathers over your partner's body to spanking to flogging to whatever, is almost as popular a fantasy as is bondage. Many cultures incorporate elements of what we would call SM into traditional spiritual ceremonies, as extreme sensation (built up to over a period of time) is known to provoke altered states of consciousness and mystical visions.

If what you are interested in is light spanking, etc. as an adjunct to sex, you probably won't have to worry about the psychological subtleties that become important with more intense play. However, if you two are interested in going deeper, here are some hints for the person on the receiving end of things:

Keep breathing regularly and deeply, and stay relaxed. If you want to get even more sophisticated about this, you can try a visualization suggested by Author Joseph Bean: "breathe out the pain, and breathe in a relaxed receptivity to the scene in progress."
Make noise if you need to, especially when exhaling.
Key into some characteristic of the person playing with you that makes you want to go farther or longer - wanting to please that person if they are enjoying what they are doing to you is as good a method as any. Alternatively, go mentally more deeply into a particular fantasy you have which involves something like what is happening to you (which will probably be different for each person). Or...
Key into your trust of the person playing with you. "Pain" only has to be "bad" when it signals danger. If you trust that your partner is not going to physically damage you, your mind is in theory free to interpret "pain" as something else entirely (this is where SM can become mind-expanding). Or...
For flagellation scenes especially, visualize absorbing the energy of each stroke and transforming it into sex, strength, and/or power (Joseph Bean suggests another option: visualizing the pain not as pain but rather as heat, light, or color).

And, here are some hints for the person on the delivering end of things:

Your partner will be able to go deeper and longer if you alternate between "envelope-pushing" sensation and lighter or overtly pleasurable sensation (e.g. sexual stimulation, running a nice soft mitten over them, kissing them, etc.). Ideally, the intensity should start lightly, gradually build, pull back for a while, build again, pull back for a while, etc. Each intensity peak can be higher than the last until it's time to quit.
Your partner may be able to go deeper and longer if you are obviously enjoying what you are doing to them, and are obviously turned on (in some sense) by their submission to you or trust in you. When you feel moved to do so, be sure to tell your partner that he or she is beautiful, handsome, etc., and that you're having a good time.
Your partner will have a much better time if you slowly build up to the most intense sensations over a period of time. As the recipient's natural pain killers (endorphins) kick in, a sort of "runner's high" results that can often lead to ecstatic states of consciousness or at least a desire to keep playing (or play harder).
After particularly intense play, your partner may be in a vulnerable altered state of consciousness. "Take care of your partner" for a while, be willing to listen to what he or she has to say about the scene, etc.

As a final note, the BDSM community in the U.S. is currently quite active, with educational and play organizations popping up in almost every state of the union. Classes and play parties may already be offered in your area on a regular basis.

Maybe Fisting?

Some women enjoy vaginal fisting (having all or most of their lover's hand in their vagina). This is DEFINITELY a case where you should proceed only with your partner's active and ongoing encouragement and within her comfort level. If you two would like to give vaginal fisting a try, then I'd recommend first reading Deborah Addington's book A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting. However, the basic technique is as follows: with your hand palm up (and your lover on her back or on all fours) bring your fingers and thumb together to form something that looks like a duck bill. With massaging, and possibly gentle twisting motions, slowly tease your hand into her vagina. If your anatomies allows it, once you get past the third knuckles your fingers will start to gently and naturally curve back to form a fist. Anal fisting uses the same basic hand technique, but with different lube and more preparation; read TRUST/The Hand Book by Bert Herrman if this is your area of interest.

Fisting takes time and plenty of trust, but the women and men who can take a whole hand vaginally or anally usually claim that it leads them to transcendent, ecstatic altered states.

Being in Love

I wouldn't presume to have a "definition" of love, but just as the same poem can be read passionately or indifferently at a poetry reading, so the same feelings of love can either be well-conveyed or lost in the translation.

My philosophy is that love is best expressed in the little things. Being thoughtful. Thinking about what the other person needs. Keeping agreements. Calling when you're going to be late. Telling them when you realize something that you appreciate about them.

It's interesting to me how people will spend two months' wages on a diamond and then not spend two minutes taking out the garbage; over the years, I personally have little doubt which would have more impact.

Dealing with Body-Image Issues

Unfortunately, many people dislike their bodies and hence have trouble enjoying sex. This is a difficult issue, but here's some food for thought... After someone has already decided to have sex with you, does it do either of you any good for either of you to be upset about your appearance? Unless you have some specific reason to believe your partner is lying when he or she tells you that you're beautiful, why not take his or her word at face value? Also, just speaking for yourself, would you rather have sex with someone imperfect in appearance (by mass media standards) but wildly turned on to you and enthusiastic, or would you rather have sex with someone more traditionally attractive but so hung up about their body that they can't have a good time or enjoy pleasing you?

It's worthwhile to play around with the idea that pleasure and intimacy are good for you (i.e. that you're doing something productive and good for your body by having sex). It's also worthwhile to (at least once) attend a nudist event and see just what the range of human bodies types really is.

Bisexuality

Depending on one's underlying sexual orientation and preferences, there can sometimes be distinct advantages to being able to enjoy having sex with both men and women.

Many people with opposite-sex lovers find the thought of their lover having sex with someone of the same gender to be a potent erotic fantasy; coming to terms with this aspect of yourself (if it is there at all) could be a huge gift for both your partner and yourself.
Especially for (mostly) het-identified men, being bisexual can sometimes help when exploring various aspects of contemporary sex-positive culture; a friend of mine who is intimately involved with the San Francisco community once phrased this more bluntly: "The easiest way for men to start having more sex with women is to start sucking dick."
You will be able to enjoy attending same-sex bathhouses, sex clubs, and sex parties; many of these events allow singles to attend, which mixed-gender spaces such as swinger's clubs often do not.
You will be able to have a lot more fun in mixed-gender group sex situations.

Dr. Kinsey proposed a continuum for sexual orientation, with 0 representing pure heterosexuality and 6 representing pure homosexuality. There are relatively few folks at the extremes of this continuum - the bulk of us are somewhere in the middle. The problem is that most folks get hung up on the question of romance: "I only fall in love with men (or women), so I can't be bisexual." Unless you are looking for a closed, monogamous relationship and don't really enjoy having sex during the dating process, instead of asking yourself, "Could I fall in love with that person," try asking yourself, "Could I have a good time having sex with that person?"

Understanding Polyamory

Polyamory is the state of being open to having more than one romantic and/or sexual relationship at once, without "cheating" on any of your partners by implying you are monogamous. There are many different ways in which people negotiate and structure polyamorous relationships, but the key philosophical underpinning behind all of them is that love isn't a zero-sum game; you don't automatically have to love person A less because you decide you also love person B. This lifestyle has some advantages and disadvantages. On the plus side:

You will have a larger network of friends and lovers who care about you. The practical benefits of this, as well as the intense feelings of support it creates, can be wonderful.
You won't have to try to find the one "Mr. or Mrs. Perfect" who meets all of your needs, because your relationship needs can be met by a combination of folks who each have their strengths and weaknesses. This can help take a lot of pressure off people you are in relationship with, because you won't be as tempted to start thinking along the lines of "This person could be The One, if only I can manage to change this and this and this about him [or her]..."
There is a higher probability you will be able to stay friends with a lover if you break up, and because you have a larger network of friends and lovers your social life won't completely fall apart.
You won't have to worry as much about "affairs" breaking up the relationship between you and a lover, because neither you nor your lover will have to (and hence be tempted to) end your relationship with each other in order to date that other person.

On the minus side:

If your life gets busier due to a job change, new baby, etc., you may not be able to have as much "alone time" with some of your partners as you would like. This can be hard on everyone concerned.
Polyamory is a hard lifestyle to explain to monogamous folks, and some particularly dim-witted people will be unable to distinguish what you are doing from cheating no matter how eloquently you explain it.
Being polyamorous can work against you in custody battles if your ex decides to go for a "low blow."
You may have to move out of seeing jealousy and blind mistrust as a sign of love, if this is your tendency.

"Polyamory" can take a variety of forms ranging from "closed marriages" among a few people to completely open relationships.

Visiting Sex Clubs and Attending Sex Parties

Some people find the thought of meeting other adults for casual sex and possible intimate friendships to be exciting.

Many parts of this country are within driving distance of a swinger's club or two. These exist primarily for male-female couples to meet other male-female couples for sex and possible ongoing relationships. An "on-premises" club is one where sex is allowed at the facility, and an "off-premises" club is one which arranges events (typically dances) where you can make dates with other couples.

In most cities of the U.S., one can pretty easily find men-only sex clubs and men-only bathhouses (bathhouses will have facilities such as a steam room, but are still primarily for male-male sex). The tradition at many bathhouses is not to use condoms for fellatio, so if your safer sex standards include using latex barriers for oral this is something to be aware of (if you choose not to use latex for fellatio, be aware that it IS considered courteous at the baths not to come in someone's mouth unless they specifically offer to let you). If you're going to engage in anal intercourse as either the penetrator or the penetratee you'll definitely want to use a latex condom or insist that one be used; a significant percentage of the men who frequent the baths are HIV+, and if someone says you "don't have to use latex with them" that may be their way of saying they're HIV+. Most of the cruising at the baths is non-verbal, and you generally don't say very much or exchange names. Sex between men at the baths, however it may take its course, usually ends with each man masturbating himself to orgasm. Going to men-only bathhouses or men-only sex clubs and just being a voyeur is considered acceptable, although depending on the club you may have to take your clothes off when you enter.

If your interest is BDSM, you're in luck. Same-gender and mixed-gender BDSM play parties are held on a regular basis all over the country, and typically aren't that hard to get invited to (if an invitation is even required).

The women's BDSM community in many large cities may host women-only events (which may allow and encourage sex) on a regular basis. A few women's dance events, such as a few of those in San Francisco and Seattle, can be quite cruisy - a little bit like hip off-premises swing clubs.

Private events are held all the time in many of the larger, more progressive cities, but you often need to be specifically invited to them in order to attend. If it helps, think of this as one of the possible "perks" of being a productive and supportive member of your local sex-positive culture. Some traits which might work in your favor as you start to get involved in the community are open-mindedness and tolerance (homophobia or bigotry about other types of safe and consensual adult activities definitely would not work in your favor), being courteous and respectful of others' space and boundaries (i.e. not being pushy), and being willing to help out when volunteers are needed.

Happy loving!

MAN AND THE MULTI-ORGASM!

2006-03-10T06:30:00.000-08:00

The Multi-Orgasmic Man

REVIEW

The basic approach is to teach that orgasm and ejaculation are, for men, two separate physiological processes. Thus men may experience orgasm, and in fact experience several orgasms, either before ejaculation or completely in lieu of ejaculation. This is solid information, and male multiple orgasms of this nature have been observed time and time again by sex researchers.

INTRODUCTION

What follows is a summary of some of the techniques presented. Please keep in mind that this is just a fraction of the information presented. You can find out more in the book called " The Multi-Orgasmic Man". If you like what you experience based on the material below, then by all means buy the book and try the rest.

THE BASIC APPROACH

Men stop or change the stimulation they are creating/receiving just prior to reaching the point of ejaculatory inevitability. If done close enough to ejaculation, one may experience the muscular contractions that accompany without moving into "expulsion phase orgasm." Expulsion-phase orgasm is accompanied by ejaculation and erection loss, while contractile-phase orgasm is accompanied by the normal feelings of "cuming". Men "peak" to this contractile phase orgasm many times over the course of a lovemaking session or masturbation session. After experiencing each orgasm, one pauses for a few seconds and then resumes whatever pleasurable stimulation one was engaged in.

PROPER BREATHING

By breathing deeply and regularly (without hyperventilating) one can gain more control over orgasm, and enhance one's ability to skirt along the contractile side of things without falling over into the expulsionary side of things. Here's how to practice:

Exercise 1

Sit on a chair with your back straight and your feet touching the floor about shoulder width apart.
Place your hands over your navel and relax your shoulders.
Inhale though your nose and feel your lower abdomen expand at the navel area (below and around it) so that it bulges outward. Your diaphragm will also descend.
Keeping your chest relaxed, exhale with some force to pull the lower abdomen back in, as if you were pulling your navel back toward your spine. Also feel your penis and testicles pull up.
Repeat steps 3 and 4 eighteen to thirty-six times.

LEARNING TO FOCUS ATTENTION

The following exercise enhances the ability to concentrate. The ability to direct attention to one's partner is an important part of sex.

Exercise 2

Slowly inhale (expanding your belly) and exhale (flattening your belly). Count each complete inhalation and exhalation as one breath.
Continue breathing from the belly and counting from one to one hundred, thinking only about your breathing.
If you notice that your mind has strayed, start again.
Practice this exercise twice a day until you can count to one hundred with ease.

FINDING THE PC MUSCLE

The PC (pubococcygeus) muscle is responsible for the rhythmic contractions in the pelvis and anus during orgasm. In women, PC muscle contractions may be used to contract around the penis, causing further stimulation. In both men and women, a strong PC muscle is associated with stronger orgasms. Besides this effect, conscious contraction of the PC muscle around the prostate gland is one technique this book recommends men use in helping to avoid ejaculation.

Exercise 3

When you are about to urinate, stand on your toes and the balls of your feet. If necessary, you can use the wall for support.
Inhale deeply.
Exhale slowly, forcefully push out the urine while pulling up on your perineum and clenching your teeth.
Inhale and contract your PC muscle to stop the flow of urine midstream.
Exhale and start urinating again.
Repeat steps 4 and 5 three to six times or until you have finished urinating.

STRENGTHENING THE PC MUSCLE

This exercise is designed to strengthen the PC muscle. Although one could conceivably stop doing exercise 1 when proper breathing becomes second nature during sex, and one could stop doing exercise 2 when one is capable of directing and maintaining attention, and one could stop doing exercise 3 when one is familiar with one's PC muscle, one should make a habit of doing exercise 4. The more it is done, the stronger the PC muscle will get, and the better sex will feel.

This exercise may also be done by women to receive similar benefits. Please note that in the exercise below the only really important contraction is the PC contraction. You may skip the mouth and eye contractions if you wish, as well as any pelvic contractions unrelated to the PC muscle.

Exercise 4

Inhale and concentrate on your prostate, perineum, and anus.
As you exhale, contract your PC muscle around your prostate and around your anus while at the same time contracting the muscles around your eyes and mouth.
Inhale and relax, releasing your PC, eye, and mouth muscles.
Repeat steps 2 and 3, contracting your muscles as you exhale and releasing them as you inhale, nine to thirty-six times.

SELF-PLEASURING

This is where the core technique of male multiple orgasms is learned, before they're incorporated into lovemaking with a partner.

Exercise 5

Start by lubricating your penis. Lubricant will increase your sensations. Oil is generally better than lotion, which dries up more quickly. [Though keep in mind that this is just for self-pleasuring - for sex with a partner, oil will break down latex condoms, and isn't the healthiest thing for the vagina, so it's not what you'd want to use with a partner.]
Pleasure yourself however you like, remembering to massage and stimulate your entire penis, your scrotum, and you perineum, including what the book calls the "Million-Dollar Point" (a point on the perineum just forward of the anus). Continue to breathe deeply and regularly, as you learned in exercise 1.
Try to notice your increasing levels of arousal: notice the tingling at the root of your penis, notice the stages of erection, notice your heartbeat rise.
When you are getting near ejaculation, stop and rest (possibly breathing in deeply and holding the breath for a second or two). Try to notice the contraction of your PC muscle and anus that occurs at contractile-phase orgasm, although don't be surprised if it takes some time to experience this without ejaculating. You can also try to squeeze your PC muscle around your prostate if the prostate starts contracting and you are afraid you might fall over the edge.
After you regain control, you can start again as many times as you like and continue for as long as you like.

In this exercise, one should experiment with getting as close as possible to ejaculation without ejaculating. The PC muscle contraction part of this technique is what allows you to get MUCH closer to ejaculation (and hence experience a fuller non-ejaculatory orgasm) than mere stopping would allow.

If you manage to achieve contractile-phase orgasms (without ejaculating) twice or more in one masturbation session without losing your erection, then you should pat yourself on the back: you're multi-orgasmic!

INCORPORATING MULTIPLE ORGASMS INTO SEX WITH A PARTNER

Once the proper feelings are identified and experienced in Exercise 5 (contractions of the PC muscle that WOULD have led to ejaculation but don't because you stopped and/or clamped your PC muscle around your prostate) they can be carried over straight away in to sex with a partner. The only difference is that with a partner you generally stop thrusting or else (verbally or non-verbally) ask your partner to slow down/stop whatever THEY are doing rather then slowing down/stopping your own hand as you did in Exercise 5.

Note that in sex with a female partner, it's often a good idea for the woman to experience an orgasm or two first (manually or orally) so that any stopping/starting is not as disturbing, and so that the intercourse in general is more pleasurable. Even so, if it's necessary for the man to slow down to avoid ejaculating, but the woman is close to orgasm and doesn't want thrusting to stop, there are a few options. Obviously, the man can stop thrusting and massage the clitoris or vagina with his hand. Another approach is to just change the thrusting style: instead of moving in and out, while all the way in move up and down or in circles while pressing your body against her clitoris. This movement is driven by the pelvis, and can be a lot of fun.

CHOOSING A SEXUAL POSITION FOR INTERCOURSE WITH A FEMALE PARTNER

"Man on Top" (missionary) position allows good eye contact, which is valuable if both partners are multi-orgasmic and they want to do some of the "energy" stuff mentioned in this book. Although this position isn't the best at enabling G-spot stimulation, this kind of stimulation can be increased by putting a pillow underneath the woman's hips, or by her bringing her legs up to drape over the man's shoulders (also, the higher the legs, the deeper the penetration).

"Woman on Top" (straddling) position is an easy one for men to control ejaculation in. Gravity assists in ejaculatory control, and because the man can relax his pelvic muscles it's MUCH easier for him to pay attention to what's going on and slow things down if ejaculation is too close. This position also allows the woman to stimulate her clitoris during sex. The fact that the woman can control rate and type of stimulation, and the fact that she can stimulate her clitoris during sex, make this position a relatively easy one for multi-orgasmic women to be multi-orgasmic in.

"Man from Behind" (doggie) position is good if strong stimulation is desired, or if desire is flagging. Deep penetration is very easy, and becomes deeper the more "forward" the woman bends (i.e. leaning into the bed with the legs and torso at a sharper angle to each other). Clitoral stimulation is easy, and G-spot stimulation is pretty direct. The lack of eye contact is the only real drawback, though if you have a mirror by the bed you can see each other's eyes by looking to the side into the mirror (which some people find erotic).

GIVING AN EROTIC MASSAGE

2006-03-10T06:22:00.000-08:00

Giving An Erotic Massage

Relaxing Your Partner's Body

Start by connecting with your partner. There may be specific ways you and your partner prefer to do this. If not, try kind words, soft gazing into each other's eyes, synchronized breathing, and/or caressing each others' faces or hands.

When both of you are ready, have your partner lie face down, naked, on the massage table. Start by quieting and focusing your mind while resting your hands on the receiving partner's upper and lower back. Then, perform a relaxing massage on the back, legs, and feet. Basic principles of relaxing massage include keeping your hands in contact with your partner, taking your time, being rhythmic yet sensitive, and proceeding from long gliding strokes to deeper ones. When giving a massage be sure to use good body mechanics: use your body weight rather than arm strength for deep strokes, during gliding strokes keep your knees slightly bent and fluid, and don't lean over the table.

After relaxing your partner's back, legs, and feet, have him or her turn over. Massage the chest, arms, and hands. Then glide down to the legs. It can feel good to brush the genitals when going down to the legs. After finishing the fronts of the legs and feet, glide back up and slowly brush over the genitals, teasing them. This teasing process can be drawn out by brushing the inner thighs near the genitals, very lightly touching the pubic region, etc. At this point erotic energy is often building, making it a natural time to start shifting the focus to more explicitly sexual activities.

Especially if this is your first massage with this partner, it's a good idea to look into your partner's eyes while cradling his or her genitals, and somehow ask his or her permission to go further. The rest of the massage will focus on the genitals, with periodic sweeps up and down the body to spread, balance, and integrate the sensations. One of the skills that comes with practice is being able to read the energy and arousal levels of your partner, and smoothly and gradually ramp up from relaxing massage to more arousing and sexual massage.

Pleasuring Your Partner's Sex Centers

Male

Introduction

The basic principle of male genital massage is that you should slow down, stop, or change what you are doing just before ejaculation becomes inevitable. The best way to accomplish this is for the man to give a signal just before this point is reached. Verbal cues, raising a hand, pulling away slightly, or even subtle body language cues can all work well. This repeated "peaking" process can sometimes help men learn to have multiple orgasms without ejaculating, and can also be practiced during solo masturbation. Although delaying ejaculation during the course of the massage is desirable from the perspective of maximizing pleasure, many partners do like to finish the massage with one. Ejaculation provides a considerable spark of pleasure, but can leave men too fatigued to enjoy the rest of the evening or do a good job massaging their partner; opposite-sex partners who like to finish male genital massage with ejaculation should have the woman receive her massage first.

It's also fun to encourage your partner with hot talk (possibly weaving together a verbal fantasy based on your partner's desires). Letting your partner know verbally and non-verbally that you're actively enjoying his pleasure can be a powerful aphrodisiac.

As an aside, it should be noted that a nice feature of male genital massage is that an erection is not required for it to feel good; some massage strokes actually feel BETTER when the penis is soft.

Suggested Genital Massage Strokes

There are many different massage strokes that feel good on male genitals. Unless he indicates otherwise, it's usually safe to assume that firm and consistent stroking will feel best. I'm going to present a few favorite strokes below, but you can make up your own, refer to Appendix A, or examine the resources in this guide's "Learning More about Massage" section to learn dozens of additional strokes. One approach that some people favor is selecting two favorite strokes, and for a period of time alternating between them every once in a while.

"Healing Stroke" - With the penis resting on the belly, cup the balls with one hand. The heel of the palm of the other hand glides up and down the underside of the penis all the way to the tip.

"Anvil Stroke" - Bring one hand down, letting it stroke the penis from the top all the way to the bottom. When it hits the bottom, release it. Meanwhile bring your other hand to the top of the penis and repeat the stroke, creating an alternating motion.

"Climbing the Mountain" - Take the penis in one hand and gently, sensuously caress it for about ten seconds, then give it one quick up-and-down stroke. Repeat the sensuous caressing for about ten seconds (perhaps using slow up-and-down strokes), and then give the penis two quick up-and-down strokes. Repeat the caressing, then give three quick strokes, etc. Continue until ejaculation approaches inevitability.

Cocooning

It's up to the two of you whether to finish with an ejaculation. If you do, then pleasuring can continue all the way through ejaculation and until your partner asks you to stop. At the end of the massage (whether or not there is an ejaculation), the sheet/blanket combination can be folded up over the person on the table to provide a warm cocoon. This can be a time of profound peace and contentment together.

Female

Introduction

Female sexual response is often significantly different from male sexual response, in the following ways:

Female arousal tends to be more closely tied to emotional states, and feelings of warmth towards her partner.
Many women can come in two distinctly different ways: through G-Spot stimulation and through clitoral stimulation. Many women characterize the clitoral orgasms as "sharper" and the G-Spot orgasms as "deeper".
Women often vary considerably in what type of sexual stimulation they like, and how they like it done.
Female arousal usually takes longer to build, but can often last longer and be more intense than that which men commonly experience.
Women can often have multiple orgasms, if stimulation continues following the first (especially with G-Spot stimulation).

It's because of #5 that the basic approach to erotic massage differs between women and men. Since women can sometimes enjoy stimulation all the way through one orgasm and into the next, there is little or no need for them to hold back in any way. Having orgasms in a series can cause arousal levels to float for a long time at a very high level.

Suggested Types of Stimulation

Women vary in their tastes concerning G-Spot and clitoral stimulation, so you need to be attentive and listen. A common preference is for their partners to begin with gentle rubbing over the entire vulva, to follow this with clitoral stimulation, and to finish with G-Spot stimulation or G-Spot AND clitoral stimulation. Please be aware that neither clitoral stimulation nor any sort of vaginal penetration usually feels good unless a woman is already in a fairly high state of arousal. When performing genital massage on women one often has a "free hand" which may be used to glide over the rest of her body, tease her nipples, massage her perineum, caress her face, form "connections" with other parts of her body (by stimulating some other part of her body at the same time as you are pleasuring her genitals), etc.

Although the genital massage styles presented below are some of the most commonly favored among women, there are many more.

"Clitoral" - When massaging her clitoris, learn what part of it feels best to her. Going in circles around it softly and rhythmically with a lubricated finger is a good way to proceed, at least until you get more specific feedback or until you uncover something that obviously feels better. Once you find something that feels great, consistency with it is often the key to further pleasure. Some women find that clitoral orgasms feel better if their vaginas are pleasantly filled: more fingers or an appropriately-sized dildo are good ways to accomplish this, though penetration of any kind usually doesn't feel good to someone who isn't aroused, so it probably isn't what she would want you to start right out with.

"G-Spot" - The G-Spot is an area on the forward wall of the vagina, just behind the pubic bone about two inches in. A woman can often tell you when you've found her G-Spot, and it often feels more "ridged" than the surrounding tissue. Pressing into it can be intensely pleasurable, but may cause a sensation of needing to urinate. Female ejaculation is sometimes a result of G-Spot stimulation; female ejaculate is NOT urine, but IS expelled through the urethra. One easy way to stimulate the G-Spot is with your (lubricated) first and second fingers together (possibly starting with just your first finger). Make rhythmic gestures inside the vagina that look like the signal to "come here". Alternatively, one can rub the G-Spot in a circular fashion. Generally, it's the pads of your fingers which are pressing into her G-Spot. Another approach is to rotate your fingers inside her vaginal barrel with even pressure against all areas of it. Be aware that the shape of the vagina changes as a woman's arousal level increases. You'll probably notice the inner portion ballooning outwards during extreme arousal, which means that your fingers will need to rotate a little farther from center in order to maintain the same pressure on the vaginal walls. G-spot stimulation usually only feels good when the woman is aroused.

"Vibrator" - Vibrators generally work best on or near the clitoris. If the vibration is too intense, switch to a lower speed or put a cloth between the vibrator and her clitoris. It's OK to let your partner hold the vibrator. It's also fun for a vibrator to be used clitorally at the same time vaginal penetration is being performed. The most versatile vibrators are the standard plug-in models such as the Hitachi Magic Wand.

"Verbal and Non-Verbal Encouragement" - It's helpful to encourage your partner with hot talk (possibly weaving together a verbal fantasy based on your partner's desires). Sexy complements, eye contact, etc. are also nice additions. Many sexual difficulties (especially for women, it seems) stem from worries: worrying that her partner is getting tired of pleasuring her, that she isn't coming fast enough, etc. Letting your receiving partner know verbally and non-verbally that you're actively enjoying giving her pleasure can be a powerful aphrodisiac for her.

Cocooning

It's nice to fold the sheet/blanket combination over your partner when you two are finished. This can be a time of profound peace and contentment together.

SEXUAL ADDICTION

2005-11-21T20:11:00.000-08:00

Sexual addiction is hard for many people to take seriously, but for sufferers and their partners it can be devastating. I'm going to explain what it is and what you can do if you think the problem's affecting your relationship.

What is it?

Experts define sexual addiction as any sexual activity that feels out of control. A sex addict feels compelled to seek out and engage in sexual behaviour, in spite of the problems it may cause in their personal, social and work lives.

Sexual addition can take many forms, but it's generally characterised by behaviour that feels out of control. This behaviour might include:

excessive use of pornography
compulsive masturbation
exhibitionism
voyeurism
fetishes
high-risk sex
prostitution
telephone or internet sex
multiple affairs
anonymous sexual encounters

Sex can become addictive in a similar way to alcohol and illegal drugs. During sex, our bodies release a powerful cocktail of chemicals that make us feel good. Some people get addicted to these chemicals and become obsessed with getting their next fix - their next sexual high. As with other addictions, the body also gets used to these chemicals, so the sufferer needs increasing amounts of sex to achieve the same buzz.

Between the highs of sexual and chemical fulfilment are the lows. These are often characterised by feelings of shame, regret, remorse and anxiety. Sufferers can feel alone, isolated and powerless to change their behaviour. And so the cycle begins again, as they seek out sex as a way to escape these difficult feelings.

How common is it?

According to conservative estimates, between three and six per cent of the population suffer from sexual addiction, but it's likely that the real figure is much higher. As the addiction can be accompanied by feelings of shame and embarrassment, sufferers often find it difficult to seek help. There's no profile of a typical sex addict. Sufferers come from every walk of life and approximately 20 per cent are female. Women can have particular problems being taken seriously when they look for help for compulsive sexual behaviour. Since the launch of the internet, with it's vast range of sexual services available cheaply and anonymously, professionals have seen a massive increase in sexual addiction. And with limited services available for sufferers, it looks as though the problem will continue to rise.

What are the signs?

Feeling that your behaviour is out of control.
Being aware that there may be severe consequences if you continue.
Feeling unable to stop your behaviour, despite knowing the consequences.
Persistently pursuing destructive and/or high-risk activities.
Wanting to stop or control what you're doing and taking active steps to limit your activities.
Using sexual fantasies as a way of coping with difficult feelings or situations.
Needing more and more sexual activity in order to experience the same high.
Suffering from intense mood swings around sexual activity.
Spending an increasing amount of time planning, engaging in or regretting and recovering from sexual activities.
Neglecting important social, occupational or recreational activities in favour of sexual behaviour.

If you think you're a sufferer

If you've recognised any of the above in your own behaviour, the most important step you can take is to acknowledge that sexual addiction is a real problem that won't go away by itself. You must take personal responsibility for your recovery. Most addicts find it very difficult to change their behaviour on their own. You may be able to minimise the behaviour for a while, but often the cycle is too strong. A professional therapist can help you to understand what's happening and encourage you to take steps to change to a healthier sexual lifestyle.

If your partner's a sufferer

If you suspect that your partner is a sex addict, chances are you've already tried to change their behaviour. Ultimately, though, no one can recover from an addiction unless they accept that they have a problem and want to change. Being the partner of a sex addict is painful and confusing, but there's help available for you too. As well as individual therapy, there are a growing number of support groups.

The consequences

A survey of sexual addicts revealed that as a result of their behaviour:

70 % had severe relationship problems
40 % had lost a partner
27 % had lost career opportunities
40 % had experienced unwanted pregnancies
72 % suffered suicidal obsession
17 % had attempted suicide
68 % had been exposed to sexually transmitted infections

PREMATURE EJACULATION

2005-11-21T20:03:00.000-08:00

Premature ejaculation

Between 30 % and 40 % of men are believed to suffer from the frustrating condition called premature or rapid ejaculation. The good news is that it can be simply and successfully treated.

What is premature ejaculation?

Definitions of premature ejaculation have ranged from "cuming within six thrusts" to "cuming within two minutes" and even "cuming before your partner". The last one can be particularly misleading if you have a partner who likes to take up to an hour to reach orgasm! A simpler definition is that if you cum before you want to and you feel you're not able to control it, then you're suffering from premature ejaculation (or PE for short). Bear in mind that most men will come sooner than they'd like on some occasions, particularly if under stress or in situations of very high excitement. However, if you are unable to control when you come more than 50 % of the time, then it becomes a problem. Some men may only suffer from PE when they're having intercourse. Some feel they come too quickly whatever the stimulation with a partner. Others feel they have little control even when they're masturbating alone.

The causes

PE sufferers aren't able to recognise what therapists call the "point of inevitability". This is a sensation that occurs just a few moments before ejaculation. Men who don't suffer from PE are able to recognise this sensation and either stop or change stimulation until the urgency has subsided. Most commonly, men who suffer from PE will have had it throughout their sexual life and won't ever have noticed this "point of inevitability". There are a number of reasons why this might have happened. It may be that initially, sex was always rushed or was associated with feelings of guilt or anxiety. Sometimes men become quick ejaculators because of partner pressure to "get it over and done with". Whatever the original cause, the body gets used to responding quickly and rapid ejaculation becomes the norm. Very occasionally, premature ejaculation results from a physical condition such as a urinary tract or prostate infection. Recent research suggests that some men may have a physiological predisposition in the nervous system to ejaculate quickly. But for most men, ejaculation will often be quicker in times of stress or ill health.

Self-help techniques

There are a number of things you can do to help yourself to recognise the point of inevitability. You might choose to practise alone at first, then discuss it with your partner and ask them to help you overcome this problem.

Relax. This is the most important thing you can do. Have a bath, use deep-breathing techniques or buy a relaxation tape.
Tackle relationship issues. Be sure that your head and heart are in the mood for sex as well as your body. If you're unhappy about something with your partner then sort it out first.
Exercise your pelvic floor. Many men say they are able to delay ejaculation by squeezing or pushing their pelvic floor muscles.
Stop and start. This is the most common technique used in psychosexual therapy. Practise stimulating yourself to the point just before ejaculation, then stop. Start again when the sensations have subsided. Repeat this three times. You should find the length of time before each stop gets gradually longer.
Change strokes. If you feel you've gained more control with the stop-and-start technique, try changing your stroke to something less stimulating rather than stopping all together.
Change positions. During intercourse, try the stop-and-start technique when the sensations become strong. When you're more confident, try changing positions rather than stopping.

Getting help

If these self-help techniques don't help - your GP might suggest a short course of antidepressants. The latest style SSRI's have the side affect of delaying ejaculation and may be prescribed purely for that purpose.

MIDLIFE AND MENOPAUSE

2005-11-21T19:53:00.000-08:00

Sexual Issues in Menopause

Women sometimes wonder what is in store for our sex lives as we enter menopause. In our society men continue to be seen as potential sex partners until an advanced age, but women are commonly considered to be over the hill by midlife. Medical textbooks claim that women's sex drive increases with menopause, when we no longer fear getting pregnant. Feminists and women's glossies insist that all you need is the right attitude, and your sex life will flourish forever. Hormone therapy in menopause is now on the outs with the medical community. It has been shown that so-called hormone replacement therapy (a term cleverly coined to emphasize its "naturalness") does not prevent coronary artery disease and seems more likely to cause than to prevent other life-threatening diseases. But women continue to ask whether hormones can improve the quality of our lives even if they can't prolong it. These issues are virtually ignored by the medical literature. In fact, many women sail right past the menopausal transition. But others find, often to our surprise, that we do experience sexual difficulties. It can be difficult to find help or even validation for several concerns:

Loss of libido
Though women's sexual functioning and enjoyment of penetration commonly peaks in our forties, it's true for both men and women that the intensity and the impelling quality of the sex drive fall steadily after adolescence. An additional dip is frequently experienced with the menopause, and can be profound.
Impaired sexual functioning
Sexual encounters may change in quality because of decreased pleasure with penetration, difficulty reaching climax, weak orgasmic sensations, etc. Even before menopause, many women stop feeling the need to have an orgasm with every sexual encounter.
Changes in world view
Some menopausal women find ourselves losing interest not only in sex per se but in the entire romantic, passionate, or flirtatious side of human interactions.
Vaginal dryness
Estrogen lack inevitably causes the vaginal lining to become thinner and dryer, which causes pain and difficulty with penetration for most, though not all, women.

Sexuality can be affected by the mood swings of early menopause, the symptoms of the menopausal transition, the physical effects of hormone lack and the way we and others see menopause. Women wracked with anxiety from hormone swings, soaked with sweat from hot flashes, or in what feels like a constant state of premenstrual tension are unlikely to be feeling very sexy. Once the ovaries have stopped putting out hormones, vaginal dryness can make penetration unappealing. And the symbolic value of menopause can itself make us feel old, unattractive, and sexless.

Do falling hormones kill libido?

Women's sex drive is related to hormones but in a complex way: the female hormones, estrogen and progesterone, have less of a stimulating effect than the male hormones, which are secreted in small amounts by the ovaries. In fact most menstruating women feel sexiest immediately after our period, the time of the month when female hormones are at their lowest level. When the ovaries cease functioning with the menopause, they stop producing both male and female hormones, which affects some women's sex drive. Eventually the adrenal glands take over to some extent, especially in producing male hormones, and the sex drive can then perk up again. But this is not inevitable, and some women experience even a temporary plunge in our sexuality as devastating.

Strategies for coping:

The vaginal tissues
Vaginal dryness is the first, and easiest, thing to fix if you are experiencing sexual difficulties. Often saliva, K-Y jelly, or Astraglide give sufficient relief. When they don't, tiny amounts of estrogen creams applied vaginally will not only improve lubrication but will after a few weeks restore the thickness and consistency of the vaginal area to its pre-menopausal levels without exposing the rest of the body to hormones. Simply making penetration painfree and well-lubricated can bring back sexual pleasure for many women.
Hormone replacement therapy
When a woman's sexual functioning remains unsatisfactory even after her vagina regains its juiciness, systemic estrogens in the form of pills or patches can be tried. If this treatment works, as it often does, it can be continued at the lowest effective dose following the standard precautions for hormone replacement therapy, with the addition of progesterone to protect the uterus, and planning periodic pauses to see whether it is still necessary.
Testosterone
Male sexual hormones can effectively boost a woman's flagging libido, either in association with estrogen (Estratest, a pill combining estrogen and testosterone, is available in the United States, or by themselves. But male hormones can deepen a woman's voice and cause liver damage, among other side effects, so they are probably not a good solution for other than the short run.
Tibolone

Sold as Livial in much of Continental Europe and, as of 2002, in the United Kingdom, but not yet available in the USA, this molecule combines some of the effects of estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. It is fairly effective for hot flashes and vaginal dryness and very effective for reviving the sex drive. Tibolone is less masculinizing than testosterone and probably provokes less breast cancer and uterine cancer than usual hormone replacement therapy; its effects on heart disease are unknown.

You may even find in the end that a decreased interest in the sexual side of life, though initially disconcerting, is unimportant or even welcome. After decades being driven by our sexuality many women find the calming of the senses that can accompany menopause to open us up to a new independence and to enthusiasm for exploring new interests during the second half of our adult life. The menopausal Germaine Greer, previously known for her sexual exploits, amazed some of her fans by extolling the joys of gardening. Other women say, "My sex life is better than ever -- since menopause we do it twice a day." Few phenomena in the life cycle vary as much as the menopause. It is not only women who encounter changes in our sexuality with aging. Older men often require more direct stimulation to attain an erection, and have a longer "refractory period" between ejaculations. For many couples, heterosexual and homosexual, the sexual encounters of later life, richer in snuggles and gentle caresses and less focussed on orgasm, can be at least as rewarding as those of their youth.

AN INABILITY TO REACH ORGASM

2005-11-21T19:47:00.000-08:00

An inability to reach orgasm

The inability to reach orgasm during sexual intercourse is better documented for women than men. Whilst anorgasmia, also known as orgasmic disorder, orgasmic dysfunction or orgasmic inhibition, is less common in men there are similarities in both sexes in terms of the possible causes and therapeutic outcomes.

Statistics vary widely on the extent of the problem with men, but a range of between 1 to 10 million has been cited. One reason for the wide statistical variation is to do with the defining qualities of anorgasmia in men. For some men the disorder presents itself in terms of an inability to reach orgasm only during sex. In such cases it is often possible for orgasm to be reached but only after prolonged and intense non-intercourse stimulation.

Psychological Causes

It is estimated that around 90% of anorgasmia problems are related to psychological issues. Surveys point to performance anxiety as the number one psychological problem. Performance anxiety in this context is not necessarily related to 'staying power' or duration of intercourse. It may relate more to attempts to 'will' a state of sexual resolution which in turn leads to a vicious cycle of anxiety. Many psychological problems, such as work stress, are often intense but of short duration and are easily identified by an individual as the cause of their current sexual difficulty. In such cases the problem is often self correcting and of relatively short duration. Other causes may, for example, be rooted in the development of negative attitudes towards sex, sometimes from childhood. There is also a relationship between anorgasmia and childhood or adult sexual abuse or rape. Marital strife, boredom within a relationship coupled with a monotonous sex life are other known contributory factors.

Other Causes

The sedative effects of some drugs, including alcohol, are known to impair the orgasmic response. Chronic illness and pain can have a general debilitating effect over many aspects of life including sexuality. It is also known that spinal cord injury, multiple sclerosis, hormone conditions and diabetes can be implicated. As men age there is a natural slowing down of many physiological processes. Many men are unaffected by this or in fact regard the reduction in their sexual drive as actually beneficial. For others however the changes are a cause of anxiety and may also be wrongly regarded as symptomatic of others ills.

Treatments

In situations where the condition is causing concern, it is normal practice for a physical examination to be conducted and organic causes ruled out before other treatment options are considered. Treatment is likely to be facilitated by a qualified sex counselor or sex therapist. Typically, treatment is based around an educational package which includes homework that addresses the sexual activities and relationship issues identified by the couple in question. Communication training is a key element and the therapist will place emphasis on couples developing playful and/or relaxed interactions and reducing the need to perform sexually and routinely. Graduated assignments lead eventually towards a resumption of sexual activity, but this time underpinned by new insights and greater enjoyment. Success rates for this form of therapy are estimated between 65% to 85%.

WHAT IS A NORMAL PENIS SIZE?

2005-11-21T19:42:00.000-08:00

What is a normal penis size?

Penis Size Anxiety
Penis development and penis size is the stuff of teenage and adult anxiety. Locker-room comparisons about what a normal penis size is, or should be, is a test of confidence. This is mostly because although men know that penis size varies from person to person there is a long-standing myth that sexual prowess relies on having a large penis. Sexual satisfaction is due to a number of things and size is only one aspect. Big is not the same as, or equal to, satisfaction. Although a big penis is currently thought to be aesthetically pleasing it is, like various aspects of the human anatomy, open to shifting trends. In ancient Rome or Greece for example a large penis was thought laughable - check out the statues in the museums.

What Determines Penis Size
Penis size is determined by genetics. The size of the penis changes during puberty. Penis growth starts between the ages of about 10 to 14 years of age, although some boys are younger, some older. The testicles begin to enlarge first and hair grows in the pubic region. The penis grows in length first and girth slightly later. Average penis size for the mature non-erect adult is between 3 to 4 inches. Teenagers have to wait one or two years after they have stopped growing in height before they will be able to know their final penis size. Body size can affect the penis length. If a person is overweight or obese then the penis looks a lot smaller because it will be surrounded and sometimes almost engulfed by fat. This, in medical terms, is called a concealed penis. There are a number of medical conditions that affect penis size. These are evident at birth and may require medical intervention. Micropenis (just over half an inch) is a condition that may be a genetic or hormonal problem. Webbed penis, concealed penis and trapped penis are all conditions where the penis is of normal size but outwardly small. This can be rectified with surgical help. Very rarely children may be born without a penis, a condition known as penile agenesis but affecting only 1 in 20 million males.

What is a Normal Sized Penis?
One of the difficulties you may come across in your quest to establish what normal penis size is (flaccid or erect) is that global statistics are not always easy to come by that have been properly scientifically collated. There are a number of internet polls and various survey statistics available but it does not take much imagination to realize that the statistics may well be flawed. Often the results are pooled from 'self-reports' and as this relies on men being absolutely truthful about their penis size there may be a bias towards exaggerate claims. What would you say if called to measure yours? Would you round up the figure rather than down? Flaccid penis size is no indicator of erect penis size. In some men their penis hardly changes size between flaccid and erect states. Other men may have fairly modest flaccid penis sizes but have a much larger erection. Interestingly it is often flaccid penis size that concerns men the most. Temporary size increase can be achieved through the use of penis pumps but care has to be taken not to be over enthusiastic. Anyway, for those of you still concerned, here are some solid statistics:

Average adult flaccid penis is in the range 2.5 to 4.5 inches (6-11 centimeters)
Average adult erect penis is in the range 4 to 8 inches (10-20 centimeters)

SAFE SEX

2005-11-16T15:52:00.000-08:00

Safe Sex

Sexual intimacy does not necessarily include sexual intercourse. In deciding whether to engage in intimate sexual relations, including intercourse, you may consider cultural, ethical, religious, moral, and psychological factors as well physical ones. Many people choose to abstain from sexual intercourse. People may choose varying levels of sexual intimacy. You should not feel pressured to engage in sexual intercourse or any other sexual activity; what is right for you is the level of sexual intimacy with which you feel comfortable, whether than means none, holding hands, intercourse, or any of a mind-boggling variety of other forms of sexual activity.

Deciding to become sexually intimate with a partner can be a big step to take in a relationship, especially since, for many people, having sex involves an emotional commitment as well as a physical one. The decision to become sexually intimate with another person must also be considered in light of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) that are prevalent among college students; many times infections may be asymptomatic, so someone may transmit the disease to another person unknowingly.

Becoming pregnant is also a fear in heterosexual relationships. Only a barrier method, like condoms or dental dams, can reduce the likelihood of the transmission of HIV and certain other STDs. Abstinence is the only completely effective method of preventing STDs, HIV and pregnancy. If you do choose to be sexually active, practicing safer sex, along with maintaining open communication with your partner, can reduce the risks discussed here. Engaging in sexual intercourse can potentially be scary or dangerous ; discussing both the emotional and physical risks of sex and deciding with your partner how best to minimize those risks can be empowering and can make for an even more intimate sexual experience.

Practicing safer sex doesn't mean eliminating sex from your life. What safer sex does mean is being smart and staying healthy. It means showing love, concern, and respect for partners and for self. Safer sex means enjoying sex to the fullest without transmitting, or acquiring, sexually related infections. There are numerous sexually transmissible diseases; the consequences of some, like HIV and syphilis, may be deadly. All of them are caused by micro-organisms which pass between partners during particular sexual activities. Safer sex means reducing the chance of acquiring sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS.

One of the most common reasons of sexual dysfunctions and low sexual desire is fear. The fear can be related to getting hurt, becoming pregnant, or getting a sexually transmitted disease (STD).Practicing safe sex, can help you protect yourself from an unwanted pregnancy or an STD.

General Tips to Safe Sex

Practice sex only in a monogamous relationship. Switching partners frequently will put you more at risk of contracting an STD.

Know your partners sexual history before engaging in sexual activity with this person.

Avoid sexual encounters if you or your partner have been exposed to risky sexual activity and resume sexual encounters only when the potentially infected person has been medically tested.

Wash your genitals after sexual contact to reduce STD risks.

Urinate immediately after intercourse to help flush out germs.

Do not have sex under the influence of alcohol or drugs since this may lead you to practice risky unsafe sex.

Use condoms for vaginal and anal intercourse and oral sex, making sure to follow the correct condom instructions.

General Condom Tips

Use a condom every time you have a sexual encounter.

Check the exipry date on the package of your condom.

Open the condom packaging with care and beware of long nails.

Use a spermicide with the condom or buy a condom that has already been treated with spermicide. Spermicide helps protect against both pregnancies and STD's like like HIV, chlamydia, herpes and gonorrhea.

Put the condom on during foreplay to avoid forgetting it and to avoid contact with any pre-ejaculatory fluid.

Leave about half an inch of space at the condom tip and roll the condom all the way down to the base of the penis.

After ejaculation and just before the penis relaxes, remove the condom holding it firmly around the base to avoid spillages.

Use a fresh condom every time sex is repeated. Never ever reuse a condom.

Store your condoms in a cool place and do not expose to sunlight.

Do not use oil based lubricants on condoms (eg: vaseline, massage oils) since this can corrode the condom. Go for water based lubricants like KY jelly instead

Please have fun & stay safe at the same time!! Hugs~~Echo

FEMALE AND MALE SEXUAL DYSFUNCTIONS

2005-11-15T19:31:00.000-08:00

Female Sexual Dysfunctions

Vaginismus

This is when the muscles around the vagina spasm involuntary, and prevent the insertion of the penis. This is essentially a conditioned response that reflects fear, anxiety or pain. This sexual dysfunction is estimated to affect around 2% of women. Vaginismus could be caused by negative attitudes about sexuality, bad sexual experiences such as rape or abuse. However, at times, no cause can be pinpointed. The first course of treatment is identifying and treating the underlying physical or psychological problems that could be causing the dysfunction. Women suffering from this dysfunction are also advised to do some Kegel exercises that are basically designed to strengthen and control the pubococcygeus muscle. Other courses of treatment include, making use of plastic vaginal dilators that are graduated in diameter until the dysfunction disappears.

Dyspareunia

Dyspareunia is a sexual dysfunction that is characterized by pain during sexual intercourse. This often occurs because the woman is not sufficiently aroused when her partner attempts sexual intercourse. Sexual inhibitions, a poor relationship with the sexual partner and hormonal imbalance may all lead to this dysfunction. As treatment, women are advised to make use of a lubricated jelly like KY jelly which may make sexual intercourse easier. (Always make sure that the lubrication is compatible with the contraceptive)

Anorgasmia

Anorgasmia is a dysfunction characterized by the absence of orgasm in females. This is the most common sexual dysfunction experienced in females. There are 3 main types of anorgasmia. These are

Primary Anorgasmia - When a woman has never experienced an orgasm.

Secondary Anorgasmia - When a woman has experienced an orgasm but no longer does so.

Situational Anorgasmia - When a woman has an orgasm in certain situations but not others, (eg: orgasms during masturbation but not during intercourse.)
Absence of an orgasm may occur for a variety of reasons including lack of stimulation during sexual intercourse or insufficient duration of intercourse, especially if the man is suffering from Premature Ejaculation.

Male Sexual Dysfunctions

Erectile Dysfunctions (Impotence)

Erectile Dysfunction is the inability to have or to maintain an erection during sexual intercourse. This is a very common problem in men, in fact, estimates show that almost 50% of men have this problem at some point during their life. However, this dysfunction is not normal in younger males and usually occurs after the age of 50. The common causes of erectile dysfunctions could be; fatigue, alcohol, smoking, some medications, diabetes, hormone imbalance, etc. The first course of treatment is identifying and treating the underlying physical or psychological problems that could be causing the dysfunction. When this fails, other solutions like Viagra, Penile Implants etc are considered.

Premature Ejaculation

This is the inability to control or delay ejaculation as long as the individual wishes, resulting in distress for the individual or his partner. It is estimated that over 33% of men experience premature ejaculation. The leading causes of this dysfunction are associated with stress and anxiety, prostate problems, testosterone imbalance, high blood pressure etc. One of the most common method of treatments suggested, is the withdraw or squeezing of the penis during sexual intercourse (just before ejaculation) to stop stimulation and thus prevent premature ejaculation or by serotonergic anti-depressants or SSRIs (eg: Seroxat, Prozac, Cipramil, Zoloft).

Inhibited or Delayed Ejaculation

Inhibited Ejaculation - This is when the penis is erect but the man is unable to ejaculate. However, the man might still be able to experience an orgasm without ejaculating. Only about 4-9% of men complain of this dysfunction.

Delayed Ejaculation - This is when the men is unable to ejaculate easily during sexual intercourse. In fact, it may take the man around 45 minutes until he is able to ejaculate.
Anxiety can interfere with a man's ejaculatory reflex and this can be overcome namely by distracting the man or providing extra stimulation.

Sexual dysfunctions are a serious matter. They can destroy a relationship quicker then it started. If you have any problems you should seek help. Don't hope the problem will pass on it's own. There are pills for some preoblems. Don't be embarrased if you have a problem, it's a natural part of life.

Hugs~~ECHO

VOYEURISM

2005-11-14T19:17:00.000-08:00

Voyeurism

Voyeurism is a paraphilia characterized by a pattern of sexual behavior in which one's preferred means of sexual arousal is the clandestine observing of others when they are undressing, nude or engaged in sexual activity. Arousal is dependent upon the observed person not being aware that they are being observed. Usually, the sexual excitement which is aroused when peeping is greater when the risk of getting caught is high. Voyeurs are generally male; a common name for them is "peeping tom".

There are various degrees of Voyeurism. Watching pornography and reading hard-core books is considered as one form of voyeurism. Spying on another person is regarded as another degree. One has to draw a line between the onlooker and the voyeur. It is considered normal when a man looks at a nude woman in a magazine, or peep through a window to see her undress, but the voyeur usually goes through a lot of trouble to peep (ie: attaching mirrors to shoes to glimpse under a girls skirt.)

Various studies have shown that;

Voyeurs are often in their early 20's and likely to be the youngest in their family.

Onset of voyeurism is typically before the age of fifteen, and the individual may become so invested in the voyeuristic activity as to have this as the sole sexual behavior. This becomes typically a chronic condition.

Voyeurs often deny that they are such, have poor relationships with their father, have overprotective mothers and could have experienced early childhood trauma or abuse.

Treatment for this paraphilia is normally in the form of psychotherapy to uncover and attempt to work through the underlying causes of the behavior. Success rates however, are unknown.

I had a friend that always begged me to hide in my closet so she could watch me and hubby have sexual relations. I always told her know because it was, well sort of weird. Well being a swinger and doing stuff to another couple in the same room as hubby, I couldn't help but to look. See how he performs on other women, gives me a different angle on things. It is so HOT to see my man please another woman, or have him watch me please a woman.

FETISHISM

2005-11-14T19:10:00.000-08:00

Fetishism

The Webster dictionary describes the word fetish as "an object believed to have magical powers to protect and aid its owner. Usually an object is fixated upon which does not have any direct connection with sexuality in nature. The fixation can also occur on a body part, which like the latter, does not necessarily have sexual connotations. The fetish object is almost invariably used during masturbation, and may sometimes be incorporated during sexual activity. Reports on fetishes also include arousal from sneezes. Some of the most common fetishes are women's lingerie, high heeled shoes, or specific material like silk, leather or fur. Some people have a fetish on particular body parts: feet, breasts, hair and legs, (this is also known as "partialism".)
Some fetishes are so common that many people have them. In fact, fetishism can also be placed on a continuum, ranging from the slight preference for an object to a strong preference for an object. There are many fetishes ranging from rape, making love in unfamiliar places, shaved genital area, fetishes for overweight people, pregnant people, milk, food, etc. The fetish always depends on the uniqueness of each person in what excites him/her during lovemaking.

Fetishism is the use of an inanimate object or a specific part of the body for physical or mental sexual stimulation. This sexual behavior is widespread and takes many forms, from benign (a preference for the partner's wearing of lingerie before sex) to vicious (a rapist cutting a lock of hair from the victim for use in masturbation). The cause of fetishistic behavior as a pattern of sexual gratification cannot usually be explained easily. It is only when these patterns become part of a larger picture, at least in the far more common cases involving a male, such a picture typically involves doubts about ones own masculinity and potency and a fear of rejection and humiliation. By his fetishistic practices and the mastery over an inanimate object, which comes to symbolize for him the desired sexual object, the individual apparently safeguards himself and also compensates some what his feelings of inadequacy.

I dated a guy once witha foot fetish. It was weird at first, but then was kind of sexy. He would payfor me to have pedicures and would buy me open sandle strappy shoes, which was very cool. He only wanted to look at them and suck on my big toe,which sounds gross but it was a huge turn on. he never wanted to have sexual intercourse with my feet or my shoes or have me jerk him off with my feet or anything weird like that. He just appreciated how pretty my feet were.

HUGS & KISSES~~ECHO

EXHIBITIONISM

2005-11-14T18:57:00.000-08:00

Exhibitionism

Exhibitionism involves the exposure of one's genitals inappropriately to unsuspecting strangers in socially unacceptable circumstances. This paraphilia is also known as "indecent exposure" and "flashing". It is common almost exclusively to males, the peak age of which being about twenty. The male usually exposes himself to female strangers in public places like parks, bus stops and schoolyards.
Many exhibitionists are let to this compulsive behaviour due to erectile problems they come across in other forms of sexual activity. It is also thought that exhibitionism that is followed by masturbation, is used as a stress reducer. Also exhibitionism can be carried out as a need of affirmation by a person with low self esteem. The exhibitionist usually exposes his genitals to shock and degrade the victim but it is unlikely that the exhibitionist would rape or assault his victim. By shocking the victim, the sense of power needed for fulfillment is achieved. The reaction of the female victim is important for the exhibitionist as pleasure is derived from this. An exhibitionist may rape his victims or runaway if he is unsatisfied with the reaction, or if it isn't what he expected. Police catch more exhibitionists than any other paraphilias, the main reason being that sexual pleasure is enhanced by the risk of being caught which leads the exhibitionist to go to the same venue to perform this behaviour.

Exhibitionism also consists of couples having sex in highly risky situations, where the fear of being caught turns them on and drives their sexual encounter into high gear. Also swinging exhibitionists, get turned on more seeing their partner being pleased by others and turning themselves on at the same time. Some exhibitonist like to be video taped and photgraphed in a sexual way. If you plan on exhibiting your sexual acts, keep in mind that if caught, you can be fined and even put in jail for indecent exposure. But is sure is fun having sex in public!!!

HOW TO KISS GREAT!

2005-11-11T17:19:00.000-08:00

Here are tips and advice on how to be a great kisser
so your kisses are unforgettable!

Whether you've never had your first kiss or
have kissed and been kissed a million times
before, you'll find out:
� How to make that first kiss special!
� How to hold that special someone when you're kissing!
� Special kisses (tips and advice)
� French kissing -- how to do it right!

How to kiss shyness goodbye!

We've all seen kissing in the movies -- the way it's so perfect, and the way it just happens. But real life is different. You're with that special someone at the movies. You want to kiss. But does he? Is he shy? Maybe you'll tell him you want to kiss
him and end up rejected if he doesn't. Or maybe he wants to kiss you but he's the
one who's shy. That's why kissing games are so popular.

Spin the bottle

The reason "Spin the Bottle" and other kissing games are so popular is that they let
you kiss someone without having to admit that you like the person you're kissing. You're kissing because you have to. Kissing games are also a good way to try
different ways of kissing. In "Spin the Bottle," a group of guys and girls sit in a circle,
and take turns spinning a bottle. When the bottle stops spinning you kiss the person it's pointing to. But what if you're not playing a kissing game? How can you tell he wants to kiss you?

How to tell if he wants to kiss you!

After you've kissed him once, you know he wants to kiss you. But what if you two have never kissed? The first kiss is the hardest. You could ask him to kiss you, but that takes a lot of courage. But you can tell, without reading his mind. Here are some ways. He could have worked on the work project with someone else, but
he asked you. He could have called somebody else to chat, but he called you. It all means he likes to hang out with you. And what about when you're with him. Does he
sit close to you? Does he smile and look happy when you're together? These are all signs that he likes you and might want to kiss you.

How to get him to kiss you

Sometimes people who are nervous send out mixed signals. You might want him to kiss you, but your nervous behavior might be saying "stay away." First of all your posture should be open. Sit or stand close to him. Face him. Look at him, not at the
ground. Don't cross your arms or lean away; or, instead of "kiss me" you'll be saying "kiss off!" Look into his eyes. Smile. Get close to him. If you're not holding hands yet, do it. Ask him to help you remove an earring, or undo the clasp of that gold chain
you're wearing. To do that he's got to put both hands on your neck. Now turn your head, and look in his eyes, and be quiet. Smile. If he says anything, just interrupt and whisper his name softly. He'll kiss you for sure!

How to kiss

When your lips meet, keep them slightly parted and press gently against his lips. Tilt your head slightly to one side, so your noses won't get in the way. What do you do next? It depends. If it's just a little kiss, a peck on the lips, move away but
(this is very important) don't move away all of a sudden, as if you were disgusted by his kiss! Just move away slowly, maybe while still holding hands, and looking in his eyes. On the other hand, if you're French kissing, read on ...

French kissing (or Frenching)

French kisses are kisses in which you also use your tongues. (That's why you part your lips slightly.) So, after you've started kissing, the next step is that either he will slip his tongue into your mouth or you'll slip yours into his. Don't let your tongue go limp but move it around his, or playfully push his tongue out with yours, then let him
push your tongue back into your mouth, and so on. Repeat this until you get tired of it (which you never will!)

Kissing with glasses, braces, or peircings

If either of you wears glasses, just take them off before kissing. If either has braces, the important thing not to press too hard agains this lips. Otherwise the
braces will dig themselves into the inside of his mouth. Ouch! If you both have braces, don't worry! During normal kissing your braces won't touch, so they can't get tangled up with each other! You have to be careful of lip peircings also, it depends on where the peircing is and how long the other person has had it.

Kissing do's and dont's

A sure way to ruin a perfect kiss is with bad breath. Carry around some mints or gum, and have one a few moments before you kiss. Offer him one too. Avoid spicy foods, garlic and onions just before. Or at least make sure you're both eating spicy food, so neither will notice. Non-smokers hate kissing a smoker! It's as gross as kissing an ashtray! You might be nervous, but don't giggle during or after you kiss. The other person won't understand it's nervous laughter. He'll think that you were
laughing at him!

Kissing and health

Can you "catch something" by kissing? Yes you can -- anything from just a cold to
a pretty serious sexually transmitted disease. Also, since the AIDS virus has been
found in the saliva of people with AIDS, it could be transmitted by kissing someone who has the disease, especially if you have any cuts in your mouth. There's no such thing as 100% safety. But if someone has a cold or the flu, wait until it's over. If you see he's got sores on his mouth or lips, stay away! Also, if you have cuts in your mouth, or he does this increses your chance of passing on infection. don't want to make you paranoid, but just to tell you there's no such thing as "safe kissing" so keep that in mind.

Kissing and s-e-x

Kissing can be a lot of fun. Don't think that just because you kiss a guy you have to do anything more. On the other hand, once you're kissing passionatley, you might both feel like going further. The best way I know to avoid that is to kiss him in a semi-public place. If you kiss him in a movie theater or on your front porch, you know it's not going to lead to sex right there! On the other hand, if you're sitting on your bed,
there's not really anything to stop you, so it's something you might want to avoid. 'm not trying to tell you how to run your life, just telling you what's worked for me.

Practice makes perfect!

The only way to get good at kissing is to practice. Have fun!

Hugs & Kisses!!~~ECHO

TOYS FOR MEN OR FOR EITHER MEN OR WOMEN

2005-11-09T21:45:00.000-08:00

Toys for Men

For Penile Stimulation

Most men have their first orgasm with the help only of one of their hands, and throughout life this may remain a perfectly enjoyable and comfortable way to reach orgasm. However, there's definitely no harm in experimenting with new sensations to see if you like them. For example: the Hugger Vibrator, which focuses sensation on the head of the penis, or the Cybersleeve, which distributes sensation all along the shaft of the penis.

For Prostate Stimulation

For some men (though certainly not all), ass play in general, and prostate stimulation in specific, is the one thing they discover in late adulthood that they wish they'd discovered in early adulthood. Most butt toys, are designed equally for men or women, but one toy deserves special mention: the Aneros. It's specifically designed for men for the sake of prostate stimulation, either on its own or accompanying masturbation, and is basically the men's equivalent of the "Archer Wand" toy mentioned in the Toys for Women blog.

Something Often Overlooked...

I realize this suggestion may seem out of place in a sex toy guide, but I can't help but mention it: find clothing that expresses who you are. The increased feelings of sexiness which you gain from wearing clothes that you feel you look good in, and which you feel confident in, is very real regardless of your gender.

Toys for Either Women or Men

Lubes

For almost any kind of penetration (whether with fingers, a penis, or a dildo, and whether vaginal or anal), slippery is sexy and dry is usually uncomfortable. So basically, a bottle of lube is a fundamental thing to have on hand if you're sexually active. Since oil-based lubes destroy latex condoms and silicone-based lubes are only good for very specific situations, a water-based lube is almost certainly what you want.

Water-Based

Water-based lube is your basic, recommended type of lube. It works beautifully with latex, it won't harm any of your sex toys, and it feels natural. For any kind of sex involving vaginal or anal penetration, it can make sex 1000% more fun.

Basically, try Slippery Stuff if you'll mainly use it for vaginal penetration, and try Astroglide if you'll mainly use it for anal penetration. Both of these water-based lubes are also glycerin-free, which means they're less likely to feel sticky. If neither of these lubes suit your needs, then try a lube sampler to figure out which kind works best for you.

Silicone-Based

I hesitated to mention silicone lubes in this blog at all, since the overwhelming majority of people actually shouldn't buy them: if you accidentally use a silicone-based lube with one of your silicone toys, an adhesive reaction results which will destroy that toy. Furthermore, since silicone-based lube doesn't feel like natural vaginal lubrication, for most people it wouldn't be the preferred choice for any kind of vaginal penetration.

However, there are two specific situations in which silicone-based lube might make sense: when having sex underwater (since water dissolves water-based lubes but not silicone-based lubes), and for lengthy and intense anal penetration.

Right now, the recommended brand of silicone-based lube is Eros Gel.

Anal Toys

A good anal toy can be a revelation: assuming you have some water-based lube so that inserting the toy is comfortable, it can provide stimulation to the nerve-rich anus while going in, and once in can intensify in a very interesting way the feeling of the whole pelvic region during sex. There are two broad categories of anal toys: those meant to be left in during play, and those meant to be gradually pulled out or pushed in during play.

Toys Meant to be Left in During Play

These are otherwise known as "butt plugs." They have a special shape that helps them stay in once they're inserted, and can be left in while you have other kinds of sex. Choices include small, medium, and large.

Toys Meant to be Gradually Pulled Out During Play

You may have heard of "anal beads." The more durable alternative is a dildo with a series of bulbs shaped like beads, but without a string running through them that can weaken or break. But either way, the point is the same: you insert them, and gradually pull them out during intercourse or masturbation, perhaps leaving a few for the moment of orgasm itself. The impact of this kind of sensation on your orgasm can be dramatic. Right now, the best anal toy created with this kind of play in mind is the Ripple.

For Cleaning Beforehand, if Desired

To start with, even though the ass is generally cleaner than you might think, if the nature of ass play still leaves you uncomfortable, there's nothing stopping you from using latex or Nitryl gloves for penetration with fingers, dams for rimming, and condoms on any toys that are going to be inserted. There's also nothing stopping you from using the bathroom well before playing, or taking a shower before playing.But for an additional level of cleaning, or perhaps for an interesting sensation in and of itself, a cleansing douche is always an option.

For Blindfolded Play

Blindfolds are sexy for good reasons: they're a consensual way for the receiver to completely focus on what they're feeling, and they're a way to remove any ambiguity as to who is "running the scene." Unfortunately, despite what you may have seen in the movies, just tying a bandanna around someone's head usually doesn't work very well, so you'd probably want something more secure and simpler to apply.

For Bondage and Sensation Play

The range of play which falls under the heading of "BDSM" is vast. Stated poetically rather than technically, it's a way to take the freedom to struggle and strain without hurting anyone, combine that with intense sensations which produce the same endorphin and adrenaline rushes you might get from sports, and bundle the whole thing together with sex. Just by way of example, if your main interest as a couple is one of you being able to prevent the other from moving, then bondage tape might be an inexpensive place to start, and once you have either eye bolts or bed posts for securement, continuing to a combination of leather wrist restraints, wrist cuff connectors, and ankle restraints.Similarly, if your main interest is creating different kinds of (possibly intense) sensations for your partner, then examples of things to look at depending on your interests would be nipple clamps and paddles/floggers.

Slings

If you have the space to set one up (and the freedom to put eye bolts in a ceiling beam to support it), a sling can be a very cool thing to have. It allows "weightless" intercourse, it makes fisting much easier, and it makes sex a much easier thing for pregnant women to have.

Candlelight

Don't forget: candlelight is the most flattering form of illumination you're likely to find, and when used safely is probably the single easiest way to upgrade the appearance of wherever you and your partner play.

Sex Games

Most of the "sex games" you see advertised are pretty cheesy, but I've found a few which seem to have value: the Sex Questions game for helping partners learn more about each other, and the Pervartistry game for having fun with a group of open-minded adults.

Safer Sex Supplies

If you're worried about getting sick, or you're worried about getting pregnant when you don't want to be pregnant, then sex probably isn't going to be completely fun no matter what you do. So in other words, gaining confidence in your safer sex and birth control arrangements is one of the sexier things you can do for yourself.

Latex Condoms

From a public health perspective, using latex condoms for penile vaginal and anal penetration, in any case where one partner may have a transmittable STD which the other does not, is the one habit which would make the biggest difference in the fight against STD's. A terrific latex condom for most men is the Kimono Microthin: they're thin and transmit sensation well, they're well-constructed, and having no taste that we can discern they're as suitable to oral sex as they are to intercourse. If after trying one you decide you'd like a snugger fit, then try Lifestyle Snugger Fit. If after trying one you decide you'd like a roomier fit, then try Pleasure Plus if you'd like more room at the head but the same snug fit at the base, or else Maxx if you'd like a roomier fit all-around. If you'd like to experiment with a condom that might provide a different sensation to you then try the Inspiral, and if you'd like to experiment with a condom that might provide a slightly different sensation to your partner then try the Kimono Sensation. On the other hand, if you're looking for inexpensive condoms not to go around a penis but rather to go around the head of your Hitachi Magic Wand, then pick up a pack of Trustex. If none of these options seem to suit you, then try a condom sampler pack to continue your search.

Tips: Condoms are most comfortable and effective when what they're surrounded by is slippery rather than dry - so either keep a small bottle of water-based lube with your condoms, or failing that a few single-use packets of water-based lube. Also, as an STD prevention measure the uncomfortable and generally questionable chemical Nonoxynol-9 has definitely fallen out of favor - if you're buying at a drug store or supermarket you'll need to avoid it on your own.

Latex Dams

Dams are thin rectangles of latex intended for safer oral sex when going down on a woman (cunnilingus), or for safer and cleaner oral sex when licking someone's anus (analingus). For these purposes, far and away the best product is the Glyde Dam. One important tip: putting a bit of water-based lube on the recipient's side of the barrier can help a lot more sensation be transmitted to them.

Unfortunately, if you're used to performing cunnilingus without a barrier, but now feel you must for the sake of your own safety or that of your partner, then making the transition to using a dam can be hard. If this remains true for you, even with practice, then please understand there's no shame in learning to use your hands instead: particularly if you take the opportunity to passionately kiss someone or whisper nasty things to them as you're pleasuring them, sex with hands rather than mouths really can feel awfully good...

Latex Gloves

Particularly if some of the skin on your hands is damaged (or if there is any chance you'll come into contact with blood) and your partner is of unknown STD/HIV status, latex gloves may make sense for finger or hand penetration. They may also make sense if you want to penetrate your partner's ass with your fingers but you have cleanliness concerns (since after you're done you can just peel the glove off and throw it in the trash).

Alternatives for People with Latex Allergies

Although in each case the latex safer sex choice is probably the best choice if you can use it, for partners who are allergic to latex (an allergy particularly common amongst medical professionals) alternative safer sex materials may be needed. If you or your partner is allergic to latex, then for vaginal or anal intercourse the Avanti polyurethane condom is certainly one option (though please understand it is by no means ideal: since polyurethane doesn't stretch as well as latex the reliability and fit is probably just NOT going to be as good for you). An alternative to Avanti is the Reality female condom, which is also usable for anal sex if you remove its inner ring.

For cunnilingus or analingus, if you or your partner is allergic to latex but some sort of barrier is still needed, your best bet is probably to use regular (i.e. non-microwaveable) kitchen plastic wrap instead.

For hands and fingers, Nitryl gloves are available as a substitute for latex gloves in cases where gloves are needed

HUGS & KISSES~~ECHO

TOYS FOR WOMEN

2005-11-09T19:36:00.000-08:00

Toys for Women

For Having Orgasms With: Vibrators

If you're female, or have a female partner, a vibrator is the toy most likely to make the biggest difference to your sex life. Many women have their first orgasm with a vibrator, and most women find it easier to reach orgasm with a vibrator then by any other way. Furthermore, most women cannot reach orgasm through intercourse alone (not through any lack of appreciation or love for their partners, and not through any failing at all on their partner's part, rather just through how the female body is constructed), so if you're a male with a female partner and think it would be sexy and hot for her to have an orgasm while you're having intercourse, a vibrator could be the best present you could get.

Note that in this section I'm just talking about vibrators that are meant to stimulate the clitoris, i.e. which are used externally, rather than inserted into the vagina. Regardless of what image may pop into your head when you hear the word "vibrator," the external kind is by far the most effective for having orgasms, and by far the most commonly recommended (not to mention that they can then also be used during intercourse with a partner).

Outlet-Powered Vibrators

If you buy only one vibrator, I recommend buying one that uses an electrical outlet rather than batteries: they last longer (potentially decades), they never run out of power just as you're about to have an orgasm, and since they're made by mainstream electronics companies and sold in everyday stores (people actually DO use them on their aching backs and feet) you don't even have to be embarrassed if someone else finds it.

Of the outlet-powered vibrators, the preferred choice is still the Hitachi Magic Wand: in comparison to other plug-in models the Hitachi Magic Wand is easier to use during sex with a partner, it's easier to put a condom over the end in case someone else wants to use it, and the optional penetrative attachments that you can get for it are higher-quality.

Tips: Use it through panties, sheets, or a thin towel if the vibrations are a little too intense for your bare clit. If you want to go for multiple clitoral orgasms, then after the first one back off on the pressure while keeping the vibrator moving, avoiding direct contact with your clit until your arousal level builds again. Moving your hips while using your vibrator - perhaps also squeezing and relaxing your "PC" muscle in time with your breathing - is something else that can enhance the whole experience. And finally, when it comes to using your vibrator during intercourse with a partner, you'll probably find that "doggy style" is the most convenient position to use the vibrator in.

Battery-Powered Vibrators

Even if you already own an outlet-powered vibrator, picking up a separate battery-powered one can still make sense: the smallest of them can easily be kept in a purse, you can use them more discreetly and spontaneously, they may be more convenient for partner sex if you and your partner like to change positions a lot, obviously you can use them when you're not near an electrical outlet, and some of them can be used in or near water (which is nice if you have a hot tub, or if the bathroom is the only place in your house where you have some privacy).

Right now the most versatile choice is probably the Waterdancer: it's very small, very well made, and completely waterproof, with a design similar to that of the famed (but non-waterproof) "Pocket Rocket."

Tip: Make sure you have spare batteries.

For Enhancing Your Orgasms: G-Spot Toys and Dildos

Once you've become comfortable using a vibrator on your clitoris, there are two different directions it might be fun to explore: either using a firm G-spot toy to also deliver firm pressure against your G-spot, or else using a dildo so that you can enjoy a fuller and more satisfied feeling while using your vibrator. Before beginning, please keep in mind that any toy you penetrate yourself with is going to feel better if you first apply a little water-based lube to it.

G-Spot Toys

We realize a lot of fuss gets made about the "G-spot," and not every woman finds pressure on this area of their vagina to be enjoyable, but the people who like it often find that they really like it, so please bear with me for a quick recap...

Basically, the G-spot is an area on the forward wall of the vagina (i.e. in the direction of your belly) about two to three inches in (i.e. just beyond the pubic bone), which particularly when you're very aroused may feel a little different from the area around it. One way to find and stimulate your G-spot is with a partner, using his or her first two fingers inside you to press firmly upwards, and perhaps stroke the area of the G-spot with a slight "come to me" motion. The other way to find and stimulate your G-spot is with a rigid curved toy.

Although G-spot stimulation isn't something that's enjoyable for every woman, if it works for you then the point is to either deepen and intensify the orgasms you get from your vibrator by stimulating your G-spot as you approach and go through your clitoral orgasm, or else to enjoy the G-spot stimulation as a sensation and source of orgasmic release completely on its own (maybe after first having one clitoral orgasm to warm up, or maybe not).

Tips: the first big tip about G-spot stimulation is that it's probably only going to be fun once you're aroused, and the more aroused you are the more fun it may be. The second big tip about G-spot stimulation is that the pressure may need to be quite firm and focused in order to work for you.

Dildos

While G-spot toys are designed to intensely stimulate one particular part of the vagina, most dildos are designed to give you a more generally satisfying feeling of fullness, and perhaps feel good when gently moved in and out. When you have a clitoral orgasm with your vibrator or fingertips they give you something firm and satisfying to clench your vaginal muscles around, and if you like having sex with men they give you a feeling at least a little bit like intercourse with your partner which may help you fantasize. They're also available in a wide variety of shapes and textures, so you never have to get bored.

Your first choice in selecting a dildo is the material you want it to be made out of, and these days that's a no-brainer: you want silicone. Silicone is hypoallergenic and non-porous (meaning that if you like you can either clean it with hot water and anti-bacterial soap or else completely sterilize it by boiling it for five minutes), it feels warm to the touch and retains body heat, it transmits vibration beautifully, it can be made into toys that range from floppy to almost completely rigid, and if taken care of (i.e. not exposed to anything sharp that could puncture or tear it, and not exposed to silicone lubes) your toy could last a lifetime. In short, it's the perfect material to make a dildo out of.

Your second choice is selecting a width and length, and of these getting the right width is by far the more important (since you can always just not insert the dildo as far, or else wrap your fist around the base, if it would otherwise be too long). One way to pick a width is to use a rule of thumb: if you know that having two fingers in you feels just about right then select a dildo between an inch and an inch and a half in diameter, but if three fingers feels better to you then pick something slightly larger than an inch and a half in diameter. If you'd like to be more sure than this, you could first purchase some inexpensive non-silicone dildos in a variety of widths, and then choose the width of your silicone purchase based on which felt the most comfortable to you.

Your third choice is whether or not you want your dildo to resemble a human penis (though note that the "non-realistic" models are available in a variety of abstract textures and shapes, so in other words you don't have to miss out on any interesting kinds of friction just because your dildo doesn't have fake veins).

Your final choice is shape. Do you like the slightly eye-popping feeling of first being penetrated? Then pick something with a slightly pronounced head or knob at the tip. Do you like pressure against the forward wall of your vagina? Then pick something with a curve. But in general, it's probably simplest to just look at the shape and imagine what it might feel like inside you, and what it might feel like entering you, and make your choice from there.

For Having Harness Sex with a Partner

A harness is something you strap onto your pelvis to hold a dildo just over your pubic bone, which you can then use to penetrate your partner either vaginally or anally almost as if you had a flesh-and-blood penis. This is a powerful fantasy for some men and women, though certainly not all. However, like anything else in life that's safe, if you're not sure whether you'd like it or not then you're probably better off trying it at least once, so you and your partner can have more time in your lives to enjoy it if you find that it's something you both enjoy.

Tips: When using a harness, imagine that the dildo is actually part of your body (for most people this makes it easier to control). Also, if you have problems with your dildo slipping out of your partner, select a dildo with a slightly bulbous "head" so that the increased resistance will alert you when it's about to pop out.

So weather you own a toys already and want to add more to your collection, or you are buying your very first one, keep in mind to window shop before you make that final purchase. Ask your friends they might even have a favorite that they like and you could buy also. My favorite B.O.B. (Battery Operated Boyfriend) is the RABBIT. I have recommended it to about 8 of my friends , and they have all thanked me for it. So go play with some toys, it's healthy and very fun!

HUGS & KISSES~~ECHO

SWINGING

2005-11-08T19:27:00.000-08:00

FACTS & MYTHS ABOUT SWINGING...........................

People who for the first time learn about the swinging lifestyle often assume that there has to be something wrong in a relationship within a couple for them to join in. Ironically, the truth is completely the opposite. This lifestyle is ONLY for couples that are happy, committed and secure in their relationships. Sex used to be something that only people who are deeply in love, and most of the time married, were supposed to share. One of the new realized realities of our society today is the fact that most people can now separate love and sex. Sex is becoming something more of a leisure, if you will, rather than an experience shared only with your soulmate. Does this mean that sex is no longer a physical expression of love? Of course - it still is! We still reserve "love making" only for the ones we love. However, the recreational sex is becoming something that can be detached from an actual relationship and enjoyed as an entirely separate activity.

Another new reality of the modern society is the fact that many people do require sexual variety to live a fully enjoyable sex lives. It is not a secret that most modern marriages during its existence are challenge by adultery or end up in divorce. We've all heard the statistics. Does it mean we don't love our partners or don't want them as much sexually any more? Absolutely not! "Different" doesn't mean "better". For example, when one looks at someone of an opposite sex other than his or her partner - it is not in a search for something better. By looking at someone different, we find excitement in exploring their body shapes, moves, sexuality - it's all very new, different and, therefore, exciting. Variety is what makes many people excited and the lust for it is here to stay. One of the other newly accepted parts of our sex lives are our fantasies. By definition, they are our sexual desires which many times do NOT include our partners ( or at least not JUST them ). Even well recognized sex therapists have concluded that sexual fantasies are healthy and are here to stay as a part of almost any relationship. The swinging lifestyle is about sharing the sexual fantasies together with your partner ("together" being the keyword). This is the lifestyle that can only work for the committed couples that are secure in their relationships and have open and direct communication with each other.

Another misunderstanding about the lifestyle is the myth that swingers are people who screw everyone they meet in the lifestyle and do it as often as they can. That can't be further from the truth! As a matter of fact, most couples are not what's called "hardcore swingers". There are different types of swinging and a couple can select the one that caters to their sexuality the best. You can go only as far as social flirting, light touching with a friendly couple, or you can choose to get sexual with just your own partner while another couple is enjoying each other in the same room. It all depends on how you and your partner want your swinging experience to happen, and you should never go any further that the comfort level that you have set.

There are several kinds of swinging that couples choose to participate in. There is a "traditional" couple to couple relationship, where two couples exchange partners for the sexual activities and sometimes participate in bi-sexual play as well. There are three-way relationships where a couple invites a single male or female to play along with them. Some couples prefer to only swap bi-sexual partners. There are several more types of swinging, and they all are about sharing desires together with your partner and growing from it within your own relationship. You don't have to jump into the lifestyle by going all the way with the first people you meet. Many couples choose to take it slow while adjusting to the new lifestyle. Some start by looking at others and talking about what they find attractive. Watching adult movies together could be another way to share fantasies and desires before inviting others to join you. Using toys, role-playing, flirting are all ways to explore. It is OK to take your time and in many cases it takes a while from the moment a couple decides to explore to their first sexual encounter.

Even though couples that join the lifestyle are looking to enhance their sex lives and overall relationships, it is also important to make sure not to damage what you already have. Each member of a couple must have a desire to satisfy both of their fantasies and not just their own. If one partner is looking to only satisfy his or her own desires dragging their partner along for the ride, it is a pretty good indication that there is something wrong in a relationship as is. In that case it is strongly recommended not to participate in the lifestyle at all. Your primary relationship with your partner is the most important thing and should be the number one priority throughout your experiences in the lifestyle. So, make sure to keep the communication gates open between you and your partner at all times and set your pace and rules upfront for the most enjoyable experiences.

All I have to say is, we just want to be ourselves....we are not a group. We are only two, a husband and wife and we come first above all else. We are committed to each other first. No 'group' is going to take that away from us. We started swinging in May 2005, after 3 months of talks and we started it off very slow. We oral swapped with a few couples, but when the moment came where we were truly comfortable, and everything clicked, we became full swap with an amazingly sexy couple and we enjoyed every second of it. So take it slow, there is no rush. Happy swinging!

Hugs & Kisses~~~ECHO (Don't knock it till ya tried it)

ANAL INTERCOURSE & THE JOYS OF IT!

2005-11-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

Topic: Anal Intercourse and the Joys it can bring!

I myslef love anal intercourse. It makes me cum and squirt twice as hard as from normal intercourse. Why? The anus is full of sensitive nerve endings that feel great when stimulated by a finger, toy, tongue, or penis. Once inserted, a penis, butt plug, stap-on, or beads will feel good against a man's prostate, and it can also indirectly stimulate a woman's G spot since the wall between the vagina and the anus is so thin.

Ready to learn how to have anal sex with your partner?

If you're a man, that will involve inserting your penis into your partner's butt. If you're a woman, you'll be anally penetrating your partner with a strap-on dildo. What�s the appeal? The anus is full of sensitive nerve endings that feel great when stimulated by a finger, toy, tongue, or penis. Anal intercourse can also stimulate men's prostates and indirectly stimulate women's G-spots. What's not to like about that!

Communication is key:

If your partner has never experimented with anal play, you need to discuss the idea in depth beforehand. Your first step is bringing it up and letting your partner know you're interested. You could talk about it as a much desired fantasy, you could read or watch some erotica depicting anal sex, or you could go sex toy shopping together and stray to the anal toys isle! Make sure you're both on board--you really don't want to surprise your partner with this one.

Time for penetration:

Once you�ve gotten a finger in, pull it out and give your well-lubed penis or dildo a turn. Grasp it near the top and guide the tip into the rectum. Have your partner push out again as you push in from behind. Push very gently, just enough to pass the sphincter. Then stop and let your partner get used to the sensation. If you're using a dildo with a vibrator, turn the vibrator on so you can both feel the vibrations. When your partner's ready, ask whether he or she�d prefer that you control the thrusting motion. Your partner may be more comfortable easing back onto your penis or dildo at first. Make sure your partner lets you know what angle and depth of penetration feels good, as well as the speed and pacing. Don�t withdraw completely (unless your partner requests it), as getting past the anal sphincter is probably the most challenging part for beginners.

A note to the ladies with strap ons:

Even though the dildo is attached to your body, you can't feel it, so in the beginning it might help to put one hand around the base of the penis and guide your toy in and out for awhile until you get comfortable with the rhythm.Should you find you need more lube (and you can never have enough during anal play!), withdraw your dildo about two-thirds of the way, apply fresh lube to the shaft, and re-insert.

Add other stimulation:

As your partner gets increasingly turned on by the anal penetration, invite him to play with his penis or her to play with her clitoris. Your partner may find that your movements create pleasant friction between his or her genitals and the bed, or he or she may want to back up a bit and masturbate. When your partner's ready to cum, keep up your thrusting unless you're asked to stop. Don�t stop until your partner's finished cuming, and check in soon after as he or she may want you to remove the penis or dildo quickly.

Tips:

Experiment with different positions. Instead of the rear entry position, try the missionary position, with your partner's legs pointed toward the ceiling. This position, as well as the side-by-side position are great beginner�s anal sex positions, because it�s easier to fully relax the anus.
If it hurts, you're doing something wrong. Never proceed if your partner is in pain. If you focus on relaxing your anus, you shouldn't feel pain.
You can explore anal sex in the shower, which helps you stay slippery (use a silicone-based lube so it won't wash away), and alleviates any fear of uncleanliness.
If you have trouble at first, consider masturbating with some anal : butt plugs, anal dildos, and anal beads, can all be a nice introduction to anal play.

ENJOY!! AS ALWAYS "DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU'VE TRIED IT!"

~~Hugs & Kisses~~~ECHO

Bi-sexuality

2005-11-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

What does being Bi-sexual mean...............

Let's start with the definition. Bi-sexual means you are neither homosexual nor heterosexual. Bi-sexuality is a "lifestyle" to some and a "sexual orientation" to others, in which the individual feels sexual attraction towards both men and women, although not necessarily to the same degree. Some individuals who are sexually attracted to both men and women feel more strongly attracted to one gender than the other. A person can feel attractions to both men and women, decide to be monogomous, and still be considered Bi-sexual. 20% of the adult population is Bi-sexual. Being Bi-sexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night.

I didn't know I was Bi-sexual until I was 28. I always checked women out and would tap my husband and point them out to him, but never realized that I was attracted to these women. I mentioned to my husband we should have a 3-some and it started up 3 months of talks of why and how. I finally realized I liked women, not as much as men, but I did and I wanted to be with one, but I was married. My husband is a very loving and understanding man, hell he also saw the benefit of getting me a woman, he got a 3-some out of it.....lol. My first time was very sensual, very sexy, very hot! The woman I was with told me that I was so good, that I should be a lesbian. I didn't know I had these skills. I love men, but I like women. They are very sexy, beautiful, creations of God. Not all people admit they are Bi-sexual. Men hide the fact less then women do, for fear of rejection. Women are more open with their sexuality & sexual preferences. Coming "out of the closet" so to say, opened up a great big world of sexual experiences for me. After all it's just SEX. I only LOVE my husband. He is simply enjoying the ride, along side of me!!

FEMALE EJACULATION

2005-11-05T15:02:00.000-08:00

Today's topic is Female Ejaculation & the Truth & Myths behind it!

Most people think that when a female ejaculates, that it is urine. This is a myth. With continuous stimulation of the urethral sponge, the paraurethral glands fill up with a clear, odorless fluid. This fluid can either seep, flow, or spurt out of the urethra during ejaculation. While all women have a urethral sponge, not all ejaculate. Of those who do, some ejaculate during orgasm and some during arousal. In fact, research shows that female ejaculate is chemically distinct from urine. If you�ve ever felt embarrassed or intimidated by the fear that you�re peeing in bed, I hope the following quote from me will inspire you to go ahead and do what comes naturally. I am now officially a squirter!!

"I ejaculated the first time when I was twenty-eight

and was on top during intercourse with my husband. The next time I ejaculated was during G-spot stimulation by my girlfriend�s hand. I just realized that urination anxiety was holding back my ejaculate, so I let it go, and I did ejaculate!"

If you�ve never experienced ejaculation or would like to, try incorporating G-spot stimulation into your usual masturbation techniques. I learned this new trick to instantly find the G-spot on women. You stick your index finger inside a woman's vagina (please have nails trimmed for this) depending on how long your fingers are either stick it in all the way (I have to cause I have short fingers) or 3/4 of the way in for men with longer fingers, and curl your finger upward like a "hook". Her

urethral sponge (G-spot) can be stimulated through the front wall of her vagina.

You should instantly feel the cushion of tissue wrapped around the urethra. The urethra is only about one and a half to two inches long. While every woman has a urethral sponge, not everyone has the same response to its stimulation�her

reaction could range from pleasure to indifference to irritation. You will have to

communicate with her and her feelings. As her urethral sponge grows more swollen and sensitive, tell her to bear down with her pelvic muscles. Women�s experiences of ejaculation can range from simply feeling more wet than usual to shooting jets of fluid. Of course, plenty of women may never ejaculate and may never want to.Whether or not you �find� her G-spot or she hits the ceiling with her

fluids, you�re certain to learn new things about her sexual responses! Some women squirt by clitoral stimulation. The clit is the spongy acorn-shaped protrusion around the urethral opening ( I call it the man in the boat)

it is loaded with nerve endings and is an erogenous zone for many women. For others, stimulation of this area may be irritating and unpleasant. You just have to feel your way around. This might not happen the first time, It might not happen ever, but having fun in trying is worth the effort.

PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON MEN.

2005-11-04T16:24:00.000-08:00

SUBJECT: PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON MEN. HEY GUYS AND GALS, I DECIDED AS MY FIRST BLOG I SHOULD TALK ABOUT MY ..1 FAVORITE SUBJECT........BLOW JOBS. I LOVE GIVING THEM, AND MEN LOVE RECEIVING THEM. I HAVE NO GAG REFLEX SO I CAN DEEP THROAT QUITE WELL. ANY WOMAN CAN REALLY, SHE JUST HAS TO NUMB HER GAG REFLEX.....ALTOIDS WORK GREAT FOR THAT AND THEY FEEL GREAT TO THE GUY. NOW THE WHOLE SPIT VS. SWALLOW........MYSELF,,,I SWALLOW, BUT THEN AGAIN SOME MEN JUST HAVE FUNKY SPUNK & IT IS HORRIBLE TO SWALLOW, ALMOST GAGGY EVEN. SO FELLOWS IF YOU WANT A WOMAN TO SWALLOW JUST FOLLOW THESE SIMPLE RULES......1. DO NOT EAT ANY GARLIC UP TO 3 DAYS BEFORE, 2. IF YOU ARE A SMOKER, TRY NOT SMOKING THE DAY YOU WANT YOUR CUM SWALLOWED, 3. DON'T EAT ANY SPICY FOODS 3 DAYS BEFORE......HEALTHY MEN=HEALTHY TASTING SPERM,,,,IT'S JUST A FACT. NOW I AM GOING TO LEAVE YOU WITH ONE OF MY FAVORITE ORAL POSITIONS.......THE WOMAN LIES ON HER BACK PROPPED UP ON 2 OR 3 PILLOWS & THE MAN STRADDLES HER & TRAPS HER ARMS & PROCEEDS TO FUCK HER MOUTH, DON'T DO IT TOO FAST, OR SHE WILL GAG,,,,,IN ALL I REALIZED IT TURNED MY MAN ON & I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO MUCH WORK,,,,,WIN/WIN SITUATION IN MY BOOK!!! WELL YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND & AS ALWAYS MY MOTTO IS : "DON'T KNOCK IT, TILL YOU'VE TRIED IT!" ~~HUGS & KISSES~~ECHO

A LIL BACKGROUND

2005-11-04T14:25:00.000-08:00

Hi my name is Echo, yes that is my birth given name. It is from Greek Mythology if you want to look it up, Echo was a Nymph. Well let's see.......I am a Married 29 year old Swinging Bi-Sexual female. I am 100% Irish and have the red hair and green eyes to proove it. I have a very high IQ and a very large bust size. In case you were wondering, my breast size is a 38F. 100% all natural God given. I also have a huge butt! I would consider myself volumptuous. I am still a college student, it's taking forever but will pay off in the end. I am a smartass I love to joke & laugh,,,,,,laughter is the key to happiness, that and a very sexually healthy life. I did have a Girlfriend wuntil she recently got jealous, so now I am looking for a replacement,,,lol. Hmm what else more can I tell you except.........................................

D.O.B. June 3, 1976 in Voorhees, New Jersey

FAV BAND: Metallica

FAV FOOD: Morroccan

HOBBIES:Practicing being a diva, playing with my sex toys, and writing poetry.

MOST PRIZED POSSESSION:It would have to be my B.O.B. (Battery opperated boyfriend) He keeps me happy.

FAV MOVIE: Dogma

FAV T.V. SHOW: ER

TATTOOS: I have 4. I have a coqui frog on the back on my neck, a heart with a daisy through it & a butterfly on my left ankle, a tribal teal rose on my right ankle, and a tribal teal/black butterfly on my lower back.

PIERCINGS: I have 3 holes in each ear, a laret piercing, tongue ring, and both my nipples pierced.

FAV QUOTE: "Save your breath for your inflatable dates!"

LAST WORDS: "Naughty Night!"